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Parenting

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Original poster

Son thinks this is abuse - seriously

52 replies

justilou1 · 03/03/2020 11:31

I made a meal containing aubergine, mushrooms and pumpkin. (How very dare I, right?) He quite enjoyed it until he noticed. (He’s 13, btw...) He started telling me that it was abusive expecting him to eat a meal with ALL of these disgusting veggies in it, and I dared to laugh! Massive mantrum with bowl-slamming ensued. (Can guarantee that this wouldn’t have happened if his Dad wasn’t visiting his own father up at the hospital...)
So.... what is this really? Man of the house control/dick-swinging crap? (Suspect so...). I’ve noticed a bit of this lately, and I want to deal with this myself and not pass it off to his father to deal with. It seems like that would defeat the purpose.

OP posts:

mumwon · 03/03/2020 13:33

"so...when is your third birthday?" the alternative is stale dry bread, mate & I expect an apology!!!

thaegumathteth · 03/03/2020 13:41

You sound as childish as him tbh. He doesn't eat it, he can be hungry but you don't start entering into 'I will win' mentality.

DingleberryRose · 03/03/2020 15:35

You sound as if you don't like him much

This is exactly what I thought too. Comes across very loud and clear!

yatapina · 03/03/2020 15:39

I think some people on here really do forget what it was like to be a teen - I used to tell my Mum I was phoning Childline for the slightest thing.

My teen likes to tell me he's phoning the police, he has no intention of doing so. It's just a power play.

GettingUntrapped · 03/03/2020 18:39

"You sound as if you don't like him much."

Guilt-tripper on board.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 03/03/2020 18:53

You sound as if you don't like him much.

Very apparent from the way op spoke about her son. Why the sexist comments too - mantrum, dick swinging? If one off your DDS had a tantrum would it be ok for your husband to make "time of the month" comments?

Sorry, but the meal doesn't sound very nice. No, he shouldn't have been rude but I don't understand why children are forced to eat food that they don't like? Would anyone accept an adult being told to eat a meal and to go hungry if they didn't like it? That would be abuse wouldn't it so why shouldn't children be able to have their liked and dislikes considered when it comes to food? My mum used to make us eat liver, the thought of it still makes me heave.

Fudgewhizz · 03/03/2020 19:08

I’m amazed that from such scant information people think they can surmise that the meal wasn’t nice and the OP doesn’t like her son! She clearly said it wouldn’t happen if her husband was there, so I can quite see why she wants to nip it in the bud - he should have equal respect for both parents. And how many of us haven’t laughed at something thinking it was a joke as it was so ridiculous? Agree that he was probably embarrassed and that caused the reaction so maybe talking to him calmly about it when he’s a bit calmer might help.

73Sunglasslover · 03/03/2020 19:26

Is his grandfather really ill? At 13 many children have problems putting their feelings into words and show their emotions with the behaviour instead. Perhaps a calm word about how he is feeling will help - he might then apologise off his own back. 13 is still very young and as teenage tantrums go this doesn't sound too unusual. Did you laugh to try and lighten the mood or to mock him? i.e. with him or at him? the latter is something to avoid IMHO. It can see very passive aggressive and it may be better to just be calm and more direct.

Bringringbring12 · 03/03/2020 19:34

* He’s 13, btw...) He started telling me that it was abusive expecting him to eat a meal with ALL of these disgusting veggies in it, and I dared to laugh! Massive mantrum with bowl-slamming ensued. *

That’s appalling actually. Disrespectful and a whiff of threatening about it (slamming a bowl down?!)

For this kind of rude hurtful bloody awful behaviour - I would be removing privileges, whether that’s phone taken, no WiFi etc

Bringringbring12 · 03/03/2020 19:37

Mind you - using the term “dick swinging” in relation to my 13 year old son perhaps indicates he’s not had the best role model when it comes to respect

MrsSpenserGregson · 03/03/2020 19:39

No advice OP, but kudos for use of the word mantrum. I shall be using this next time my DS throws a strop

slipperywhensparticus · 03/03/2020 19:43

I would be telling him behave or step out of the room

Redwinestillfine · 03/03/2020 19:48

I hope you drew a line in the sand and he either ate it or went hungry! Far to big to be kicking up a fuss like that. I hope you get your apology soon

GrumpyHoonMain · 03/03/2020 19:49

At 13 he’a old enough to make himself something. I would stop cooking for him for a while

Chloemol · 03/03/2020 19:54

Don’t blame him, sounds horrible. Give him something he does like

titchy · 03/03/2020 19:57

Sorry, but the meal doesn't sound very nice.

I think it sounds lovely and was going to ask OP for the recipe!

Bringringbring12 · 03/03/2020 20:00

* Sorry, but the meal doesn't sound very nice*

Irrelevant

madcatladyforever · 03/03/2020 20:01

Anyone who critiqued my cooking would be cooking their own dinner forever, I haven't got time for that kind of crap.

frazzledasarock · 03/03/2020 20:05

Regardless of whether anyone on here hate it, the point is he was enjoying it. So it’s not like he had one taste and projectile vomited he only threw his little strop when he noticed the veggies he had been eating.

In our house everyone is free it cook for themselves. There’d be consequences for screaming and shouting and banging crockery about however.

Tell him he’s fending for himself for the rest of the week. And let him get on with it.

NeedAUsernameGenerator · 03/03/2020 20:07

Did he misinterpret your laughing as making fun of him? Is he worried about his Grandfather? Or did he feel tricked into eating vegetables that he doesn't normally eat and reacted to that? Perhaps you could have a calm conversation with him about it tomorrow and find out what was going on?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/03/2020 20:34

It's "against his human rights innit!"
It doesn't sound from your post that it's normal behaviour from him. I'd shrug it off and try to have a chat with him when he's calmed down. He will apologise soon. Perhaps he's had an awful day at school.
I think there is a connection with Dad being away because GF was so ill he had to be in hospital.
He starts learning to cook and make dinner for all of you soon too. My lot got keen on cooking watching Jamie Oliver on You Tube.

Original poster

justilou1 · 03/03/2020 21:53

Actually, I do like him very much. I don’t like this new behaviour. This only seems to happen when his dad is not in the house. (His dad isn’t away, he was just at the hospital for the evening. FIL has had surgery for a chronic illness, but is going home on the weekend. DH took him a takeaway because hospital food is blah.) I am not a “wait until your father gets home” kind of mum either, btw. He was asked to explain his behaviour and asked whether he would have chosen to behave like that if his father had been at home. He admitted that he wouldn’t. I asked why he thought that it was acceptable when his dad wasn’t around, and he had no answer. I told him to think about how it made me feel, when I had made a nice, healthy meal and he was so rude about it. I don’t expect him to like everything, but I do expect him to be polite. The same rules have applied since he was two. (*He is already on device lockdown for nicking money from my purse - he was caught - and he lied about it. If it happens again, I’m not above extending the lockdown period.)

OP posts:

Bringringbring12 · 04/03/2020 07:36

Just read your update
OP - he’s stealing from you; having tantrums; slamming down cutlery - honestly, I think you and your DH need to take this seriously

Original poster

justilou1 · 04/03/2020 12:16

Oh we are. His place on a representative baseball team is in jeapardy, as is his trip away with me at Easter. He has actually really pulled his socks up with school work, and that hasn’t gone unnoticed. He has also had Manflu, and suspect that the food outburst has had something to do with that. (Not that it is tolerated or excused.) The money was returned AND he is doing extra jobs to earn spending money. (I am keeping him busy and off devices, and he has been handling that with aplomb.)

OP posts:

479SweetPea · 04/03/2020 13:01

Mantrum - my new fav word!
Your dinner sounds lush.
Also immensely jealous, you've only had 1 complaint.
For years I've dreaded when dd asks what's for dinner as it usually ends up with her going on and on about how much she hates it and doesn't want to eat it, usually food she's happily eaten before. I have suggested she cooks, but she doesn't want to. & to Just leave what you don't want, but will spend the whole meal moaning about her dinner. Such hard work
Like you I try and have boundaries set, but dd would just rather fight them. I'm exhausted !!
Like your ds She does make an effort when she's pushed too hard.

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