Transition from one to two

[SarahD19]

Hi everyone. I am 32 weeks pregnant and have a 2.5 year old DS. The pregnancy has been really difficult to the point we’ve gone through periods where specialists weren’t sure if baby would survive the pregnancy. Hence I think I’ve had a bit of delay accepting DD would come at all.

I live far away from my family, near the area my husband grew up. Previously this hasn’t been an issue. I have travelled to see family and friends and invested a lot of effort to both establish and maintain friendships (not always reciprocated).

Some friendships took a hit after DS was born. It is made harder by the fact some of my female friends have had fertility battles, some don’t want children at all. Hence being early 30s a lot of emotions are at the forefront. I get that, and can empathise to a large degree - but at the same time, am noticing some of the behaviours go beyond what is always respectful or reasonable.

I’ve noticed I am starting to find a distance approaching with friends again now I am heavily pregnant. I imagine this may only feel more challenging when baby actually arrives.

Not sure what I’m really wanting out of this thread, except to hear from people who have been through this I suppose, and some confidence I will get through it. With DS I attended lots of baby groups and tried to seek support this way, but I appreciate this may be harder now with two under 3.

Anyone share their experiences of these challenges?

It is a challenge going from 1 to 2.
My DD was nearly 4 when DS was born.
We made sure DD was in nursery for part of the week (partly to get her used to being away from home so she was ready for school but also so that I had one-to-one time with DS. Is this an option for you?
As your DS is still only 2.5 you should find most toddler groups will allow you to take DD with you to enable to socialise & get support.
As for your friends, that will depend greatly on them & you. Having two DC can be challenging in terms of getting ready/out the house but once you're over the first few weeks should be doable & routine. If you're still happy travelling to see friends & family, do so but also try & get them to come to you, or meet in the middle? Find places where your DS can run about etc.

@APurpleSquirrel thank you for your reply! It is very helpful. We are trying to do things to get DS excited and feeling like a proud big brother. And we are happy that this time DH can be more hands-on as last time I was on maternity, he worked really long hours often essentially out 80 hours a week.

Yes my thoughts are the first couple of months in particular can be hard and after that I will likely get out and about and travel more. On maternity leave that isn’t such an issue, although noticed once back at work full-time, alongside my husband and his hours being different, both long commutes and balancing childcare etc - this is when things became harder.

Some of my friends (with and without children (are great). Some unfortunately are really quite flaky and don’t understand I have to plan a lot and see it as an excuse - or think it is as simple as getting “a sitter”. My DS was exclusively breastfed and never took a bottle so I was very restricted, especially at nights etc. Even when back at work. Some friends have been prepared come to me in the evening or be happy to go to child-friendly places on weekends - or give plenty of notice for any events that involve being child free. Some people seem to just see the restrictions as an excuse or see not being spontaneous as boring. One even basically called me rude because I couldn’t sit and have a conversation with her whilst being on my own supervising DS.

I think some friendships will be lost and some will hopefully come back or may change if/when they have children and understand better sadly.

Hi, 15 months between my two and my youngest is still only a few months old so I've been through similar to what you've described. It's hard but getting easier, the main thing is the guilt that you can't be there for both all the time, but seeing my older one interact with the little one is so lovely, I know they'll be best friends soon!

I'll be honest, friendships have taken a massive hit, I'm just in a different place right now and not many of my friends have children, but again I know this will get better as I can start to meet for lunches and dinners etc again. It gets me down sometimes as I do feel a bit isolated but when I'm feeding my baby I try to send a few quick whatsapps to check in with people. I've had a few friends pop round and have been really honest about how I feel...they've been great and chatting made me realise they all have their own things going on and they're not all out every weekend, having fun without me 😂 True friends will still be there.

I've joined groups and have made one or two "mummy mates" through those which is really nice. I feel bad because some days we just stay in and I feel guilty for my eldest but I decided I have to let that go and stop putting pressure on myself, one step at a time and it'll all come good! We make the most of weekends when my partner is off work. It's challenging going from one to two but so amazing at the same time ☺️

@Tessie87 glad to hear from other people going through similar. Yes it’s been really tough as previously not only was DH doing stupid hours at work (and me too), but all our hours were incompatible. This has meant no days as a family at all without holiday booked, until the last couple of months. Honestly that has made such a huge difference.

I think you know becoming a parent, priorities will change and there will be restrictions - and before having the very negative feedback from this person I thought was a best friend, I honestly thought although I saw my friends less, they got it too. It’s very upsetting and hit me hard especially as this all kicked off at a point I was being told my unborn baby might not live.

I think you are right that mummy friends are invaluable in terms of support and understanding. However I honestly think in some instances, some of my female friends who have struggled with fertility etc or have different choices/priorities, simply don’t want to get it. And at times I think I am unreasonable for expecting them to understand. One basically said I was lucky to face losing my baby through stillbirth as at least I was lucky to be pregnant! Honestly it boggles the mind. When these dynamics come into play, I don’t think there can be much reasoning.

Glad to hear it is working with you. I think I will struggle with the guilt as DS is absolutely my little prince. However, with having daddy around more, he has become more a daddy’s boy in recent weeks - whereas before he would only cling to me. So that may help prepare him.

Also @Tessie87 does 15 months work for you? I’m curious regarding age gaps as you hear pros and cons about all of them x

I honestly felt that it was more of a challenge going from no children to one child than going from one to two children.

I think that, with your first, it's all a bit nerve-wracking at first - because everything is new, and the lack of experience makes everything seem harder - but you quickly settle into it, and not only do you learn all the skills you need, you get good at them, and your confidence grows.

Then, when you have a second baby, you already have the experience and confidence, so looking after a newborn seems so much easier than it did first time round. Plus you have also learned how to do things quickly and efficiently, and that frees up the time you need to be able to look after the toddler as well.

I was much less lonely with DC2 because by then DC1 was old enough to talk and run about and be company of sorts. And that helped entertain DC2 as well. Having your DH around more will help enormously too.

DC1 started nursery when I was half way through maternity with DC2 and that helped as I met a lot of parent friends that way (as well as giving me a bit of a breather from having 2 at home). Will your DC1 be starting nursery soon?

As regards your childless or childfree friends, if some of them can’t meet up with you without getting upset or cross, I think you need to let those ones go for a while. I had fertility issues and simply wasn’t rational about it tbh, I found it very hard meeting pregnant friends. Keep in touch but don’t push meeting up, hopefully you may have more success with those friends in a couple of years when things have changed for everyone.

I would definitely try to get your dc2 taking a bottle once a day once BF is established and then keep it up... I didn’t and wish I had! she bottle refused until 11 months and it did restrict me a lot.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius that’s really interesting to hear as everyone’s experience is so different! A mum friend who is onto baby 4 told me it’s gotten easier every time for her.

@minipie I think you are right and have come to accept I cannot change how some of these friends feel or respond to me - and with some of those cruel comments, I’ve honestly been too hurt to try much harder for now. That may change moving forward.

Interestingly I expressed and gave a bottle from pretty much newborn with DS. He took it for the first couple of months, then flatly refused from 3 months or so despite daily presentations every day from then on. I literally tried everything, different bottles, different teats, rooms, times of day, going out. Nothing worked but he took water from a cup from 6 months - just refused milk flatly!

Every baby is different so we’ll see how I get on this time. Thanks for your comments 😊

@SarahD19 15 months as a gap isn't quite as soon as I intended but we are making it work. Eldest is at the tantrum stage and is pushing boundaries at the moment so working through that whilst sorting out the baby can be tricky some days! Oh, and we get very little sleep 😂 Really wouldn't have it any other way though ☺️

@Tessie87 yes I was thinking sleep is probably a biggie! Sure it will be for me too 🙈🙈 💕