Struggling to adjust to motherhood

[louise1makeup2]

Hey, I would like to apologise now for the long post but I'm really struggling to being a 1st time Mum and I'd love to know how I can make it better and if I'm alone in feeling like this?

I'm 19 (18 when I found out I was pregnant), I had my son beginning of December 19'.

When I found out, I was already 4m gone. The father of my baby (now boyfriend) was overjoyed, we weren't together at the time but decided to make it official once I found out. I was extremely shocked when I found out, and if you had asked me if I wanted kids before I was pregnant, I would've said I didn't want any until later life and married. My boyfriends mother and I worked at the same place and she told everyone at the pub when she was exclusively told not to tell anyone. The only people I told was my boyf and best friend. I had expressed to them both often that I was extremely unsure that I wanted to become a parent so early on my life and I wasn't sure this is what I wanted. I seriously began thinking about a termination to where this is where I felt like I was committing a crime. My boyfriend began acting weird, crying (which I totally empathise with) and telling his family that this is what I was considering. I told him that we could always have kids later in life but he expressed he wouldn't let this go. My best friend was assuring me my life wouldn't change and any time I needed her she'd be there, I wouldn't be alone and parenting would be the best thing i would experience (she does not have any kids herself).

I loved my boyfriend so much and I didn't want to lose him. I feel so guilty for feeling like I was emotionally blackmailed into keeping the baby. As time went on I began getting used to the idea, but I was buying everything whilst by boyfriend was jumping between jobs. I had a hard time with my boyfriends family because his mam pretended she did nothing wrong and she was just excited. The pregnancy in short terms was stomach pains constantly and many appointments due to baby being small.

So the birth arrives and it was the hardest thing I went through. I know it's worth the pain and it is expected to be like that but it was such a low moment of my life. I had the flu and had to stay in 8 days with no visitors apart from my boyfriend. I decided to breast feed because during my pregnancy by breasts began to become covered in stretch marks, it's made me hate my body and I know breast feeding is better for your baby so I thought I might as well make it count that they've got stretch marks. Breast feeding is so hard because my boobs leak all the time which I hate, it makes me feel so dirty and I can't wear clothes without breast pads. My baby is almost 3m but he feeds every hour so I can't get anything done. Can't get dressed without him screaming. My boyfriend doesn't always go to pick him up when he's crying because he assumes he's hungry.

Also my best friend, I've messaged her numerous of times of how I feel and she doesn't respond directly and she's always at work :/

My life isn't the same and I'm really struggling with everything. I feel like it's unnatural to feel like this. I don't like the way my life is. I can't be without my baby for longer than 30 mins really because of breastfeeding. We've got a breast pump but I never get time to myself to use it and my boyfriend tidied it away so now something is missing and it's broke. I can't go out with my friends anymore and it was the one thing I enjoyed in my life and it was that time to let loose and have fun. I don't drink much Alcohol when I used to go out as it was the atmosphere and company I enjoyed.

I just don't know what to do. I love my son and I want him to always count on both parents and always feel loved and have everything he wants. But I don't know how I can do that right now when I feel like this.

If I was you I would speak to your doctor about how your feeling they can help, also I think you need some you time even if it’s just a bath while your other half has the baby with no distractions just quality you time, it is a big adjustment I’m still adjusting and my son is 21months old and I was 27 when I had him.Have you told your other half how your feeling.

God I really feel for you. It's so so so so hard. You're not alone, most women feel this way no matter how old they are. It will get easier which is a cliche but true and you just have to get through the days. Can you find some mum friends through local baby groups? Getting out the house is important. Can your family support you?

It sounds like you're doing an amazing job. Breastfeeding is hard and constant. The whole lifestyle change is huge. But I think you made the decision, yes you were influenced by what your boyfriend thought but if you didn't want the baby you would've gone through with the abortion I think. But you chose to have your son and if you want to switch to combi or formula to take some pressure off its up to you, your health is important for baby's sake. If you want to express and let someone baby sit so you can have a night to yourself occasionally it's up to you.

This stage doesn't last forever, they grow up fast. Your son will be at nursery in no time and you can go back to work or have time to yourself again. I agree you should mention how you're feeling to a doctor just in case talking therapy could help you figure out how you're feeling and why. I would also say you've got loads of hormones too especially primal instincts over having a baby, it is emotional x

I’ve just posted my own thread and my baby’s 7 months old. It’s hard. You’re not alone. I love him so much and I know one day he’ll be older and at school and then I’ll look back at this time fondly but doesn’t make it easier when you’re going through it.

God love you OP, that's very hard.
It doesn't sound you have much support.
Where are your parents?

It sounds as if you were very pressurised to go ahead with the pregnancy and now you are being left to it.

I can imagine you feel very trapped and scared.
I think you definitely need to speak to your GP and Health Visitor.

It sounds like you are doing a great job despite everything.

Don't be shy. Ask for support from your GP and HV.

Exclusively breastfeeding is not forever. By age 12 months baby might be eating well and only having 3 feeds for example. You could switch to formula by that point. Weaning with food starts at 6 months so only 3 months to go.

I switched to combi feeding at 7 months, so bottles during day plus bits of food. Bf only morning, evening and night. This meant I could be away from baby in the day. I never wanted to be away overnight but some mothers do and switch to formula to allow that.

What comes across in your post is having to take everyone's opinions into account and keep everyone else happy. That's exhausting on its own never mind caring for a young baby.

OP I feel for you so much. Well done for Breastfeeding this far. It's so hard but you sound like an absolutely amazing mum, who is doing all the right things for your baby.

I'd definitely speak to health visitor or doctor about how you feel.

You have to give it time but if you eat well and look after yourself, your body will return. Your boobs may never be exactly the same but the stretch marks will fade and the shape will settle down (lol)

You are not alone , and you were right to be angry at MIL for spreading your news. Can you lean on her for support?

My friendships have changed massively. None of my friends have kids and they just can't understand my life now. Again, normal.

Good luck

Thank you for all the messages so far! My situation is so complicated. My dad passed away when I was 8 and my mother struggled to take care of me and my siblings. We were removed from her care, I've lived on my own since I was 16 so I'm not close to my family at all. Even if I did open up to someone they wouldn't keep to to themselves which would make the situation worse for myself because I'd worry on that too much. Same with MIL she has just had a cancer diagnosis (drs think they've caught it in time), so we need to be supporting her but I'm not close to her because of what she did during I was pregnant. She wouldn't keep her struggles to myself and she's the type of person that just wants to be around me and my OH to see her grandson.

I've told my partner how I feel and he feels clueless. He always says he doesn't know how to help. And if I message him whilst he's at work saying I'm struggling, like baby crying so I can't tidy, hell come home tidy up but the way he goes on is like you should've done this. And when he's at work he says staying in bed is doing yourself no favours, walk with him to keep him quiet, but he doesn't understand it's not as simple as that. All I want to do is get up and shower and put some clean clothes on and feel just a bit fresher.

We tried formula but my baby didn't like it at all. He kept being sick and wouldn't drink from the bottle. And because we feed on demand, when we are getting bottles ready he's screaming and gets louder until the bottle cools down and then already it feels like my head is going to explode and I want to run out the house.

I'm not one for reaching out but I have so often and I'm getting nowhere. Friends, partner and when I've tried seeking help for anxiety, drs have turned me away numerous of times with leaflets and saying it's just being a 'worrier'. When I was pregnant I told my HV and midwife that I was feeling 'low' but they didn't take it seriously and I just tried staying strong and preparing for the baby instead of helping myself.

I'm trying so so hard to do things, to take care of my baby, I'm telling myself it will get better but right now I'm struggling so bad.

I can't thank everyone for being so kind, it does mean a lot :)

I feel for you have if it's waiting for bottles for your little one that is the problems have you thought about the prep machine, I know how you feel when my little one was born my other half worked away a lot so it was just me and the baby I got down and stressed lucky for me he changed jobs so he would be at home every night but it was still me and baby all day and one Sunday id had enough need an hour to myself told OH to take the little one to his mums while I had a bath in peace, so he did came back looking like he'd been to a war zone and I could do nothing but laugh at him, but now every so often he will take little one out so I get an hour or so to myself. I don't think that they really understand what it is to be a mother and the change it makes to your life. Just know that where you are most off us have been there and know how your feeling.

It’s so hard OP. I might get jumped on for saying this but switching to combi feeding might help you. That way your boyfriend can be left with the baby for short periods while you have time to yourself and go out with your friends. I get how you feel on that because I’m a single Mum and never got time away from DS when he was tiny, I started combi feeding and left him with my Mum the odd evening and it really helped my mental health, you don’t have to give up breastfeeding completely, just give formula alongside so you get a break.

I’d also talk to your boyfriend about how you’re feeling so he understands how to support you more.