My almost 13 year old DD has been watching porn how do I handle the conversation and is this normal for a girl this age?

[StormyLovesOdd]

I went into my DD bedroom last night to turn off her light as she'd feel asleep reading, whilst I was in her bedroom I noticed she had my old Ipad (which she is not allowed to use). I picked it up, took it downstairs and was checking through the history to see what she'd been looking at. I am horrified, porn some of it quite hardcore, close ups of blowjobs. video clips, everything . DD is only 12, she'll be 13 in a few months.

I've not tackled her about it yet as I didn't want to do it before packing her off to school this but I'm going to speak to her about it later. I don't want to go in too heavy handed but at the same time I really don't want her watching porn and she knows she's not allowed the ipad and has lied about having it as I couldn't find it a few weeks ago and asked her if she'd seen it. DD does have a phone but it has all the child safety stuff on it and I check it to make sure she's not looking at anything inappropriate. DD isn;t even allowed to watch films rated over 15 yet [cry]

Is it normal development for a girl this age to seek out and watch this kind of stuff?

I think it’s totally normal for kids of that age to be curious about sex, and these days they can access porn online so easily, initially without even necessarily meaning to.
Such a difficult topic. Here’s a few articles to help you prepare to talk to her:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/aug/31/how-to-talk-to-teenagers-about-porn

www.theloop.ca/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-pornography

www.theguardian.com/culture/2020/jan/31/porn-survey-uk-teenagers-viewing-habits-bbfc

Facebook page: www.facebook.com/925302750928853/posts/2548911861901259?d=n&sfns=mo

Does she have age-appropriate books on sex and development to answer some of her questions? This is the best one I’ve found for her age:
www.goodreads.com/book/show/22302904-does-this-happen-to-everyone

It’s much better than the cover would suggest. Unfortunately it doesn’t cover porn very fully.

www.echildhood.org/

I think it's a reflection of the modern world, sadly.

The problem with porn nowadays is that it's so graphic, mysoginistic and generally features a lot of violence against women. But young girls and boys are watching it and a lot of the acts depicted become 'normalised' in their brain - e.g. 30 years ago anal sex was a relatively niche thing, now the majority of porn features it and anecdotally it's become "5th base" for a lot of young people. The effect of porn on the expectations of women's body hair removal is another example of this (having all your pubes is referred to as a 70s bush) .

I think you need to carefully consider how you approach talking to her about porn - you can go into the conversation full momma bear mode and outright forbid it and punish her but that risks you shutting the door on further conversations about any questions she may have.... Or you could explain why watching modern porn is potentially so damaging to her sexual development. The sex she sees in a porn film is not how relationships and normal everyday sex looks like - women's body hair is removed for the simple reason that it offers a better view for the penetration, a lot of the acrobatic positions are for the ease of filming (I'd imagine getting a good shot of simple missionary sex is not as visually stimulating iyswim). Porn sex isn't real sex, just the same as a real life isn't like Hollywood's latest action movie which uses stunt doubles, special effects, rehearsals, lots of retakes, etc.... And I think it's important she understands that.

Explain to her why you're worried about it, the neurological damage it can do, the violence against women, and why it's not a good thing for her to be watching....

But looking back at my teenage years I was desperately curious about sex and if there was a smorgasbord of porn out there just one little internet search away if have probably fallen down the rabbit hole.

Good luck with your talk later today

Thank you for the responses.

I have been thinking the same about how I was really interested in how sex worked at that age but way back then there was no internet, the most I could do was look up rude words in the dictionary. I have nothing against porn but I hate to think that DD is watching it. A couple of years ago our biggest problem was tearing her away from watching The Night Garden on kids TV. This is really hard.

DD doesn't have any books on the subject but they have had discussions about it at school, I'll have a look at that book later when I get home from work.

Sparkling - I'm reading through the links you posted and they are really helpful in preparing me to talk to my DD later. I'm absolutely dreading the conversation but at least I have more of an idea what to say to her.

I'm sorry OP I have no advice to add, agree it does seem like the way things are moving forward. When I was that age I really know nothing about sex or drugs and now it's almost normal for them to know about it so early!

Also blatantly placemarking because I too want to check out the links posted by sparkiling when I have a bit more time

I think it’s key to not make her feel ashamed of her curiosity, even inadvertently. It’s not the kids‘ fault that this explicit and violent material is so easily available. And I can’t see how they would have any way of moderating their browsing at that age - even if they find it upsetting, the temptation to keep clicking is still there.

This is a good, brief guide to consent that might also be useful: kidshelpline.com.au/teens/issues/what-consent

I have lots against porn and you will need to have conversations about trafficking and rape of the women in porn films.
I have no idea what's out there these days in old fashioned books but getting some proper woman-focussed (e.g. anal sex is unlikely to be fun for women) material would be a good replacement for this.
I too am of the "look up the dirty words in a book" generation but I remember a marital guide my parents had not very well hidden!

Thank you again Sparkling, very useful.

I'm leaving work to collect DD and have THE conversation soon, wish me luck.

Think the links you've been sent are great, but just to add that before going in for the full conversation it might be helpful to start from a point of curiosity as to how she came to view those websites. (I'm just thinking that when I was about 14/15 sometimes friends at school would send links to porn/adult websites almost as a joke, so it might be that your daughter has been directed to it by friends as opposed to seeking it out herself?) Hope your chat goes well x

Let us know how it goes! May also be a safeguarding thing if other kids at school are mentioning it.