How do you discipline from 6-8?

[phivephatphish]

2 DC, 6&8. We are really struggling to discipline them ATM. They aren’t awful children by any stretch of the imagination. They fight with each other (including hitting and spitting - but they never do either to anyone outside the house), not listening/obeying us, arguing ++ in the back of the car, being rude to us (again they aren’t rude to adults outside the house). We’ve tried banning screen time (they don’t get much anyway), not allowing them to go to favourite activities (which always seems a waste of money as I’ve already paid for them and them not going is usually a huge inconvenience to me), cancelling play dates (again, inconvenience to me and sad for the other child), making them do extra homework. Literally nothing seems to make any difference. Any suggestions?

Try this book for ideas: books.google.co.uk/books/about/How_to_Talk_So_Kids_Will_Listen_and_List.html?id=wtGQCgAAQBAJ&source=kp_book_description&redir_esc=y

Set different punishments for different things.
Something minor like not tidying up their mess? They loose time off electronics
Something major like hitting/spitting? They go to the bottom of the stairs and sit there for as many minutes as they are old. Whenever they get up they have to go back and restart their time.
It sounds babyish but I recently went to a ADHD course and that's what they told me to do with my 7 year old and said its advise they give to all parents weather their child has adhd or not.

You may come up with something better that works for you but I hope this helps x

It works better if consequences are related to whatever infringement they've committed. Fighting with each other = time separately in their rooms to cool off unless they freely choose to apologise (but don't force apologies - a forced apology is fake and meaningless and unless you're absolutely and completely sure you know all the background to the argument or fight you're fairly likely to be making the wrong child apologise and/ or sweeping an ongoing resentment or unresolved issue under the carpet, and it won't stay there...)

Fighting in the car - stop in a safe place and say nothing until they stop. If they start again go home unless you think they're fighting in order to get out of going wherever you're going.

Random punishments just teach them to try not to get caught, or to frame their sibling...

Sent to their room to calm down for basically time out then talk it through

I once read a comment on here that said you need to find their "currency". For mine it's threatening to remove screens (and carrying out , of course).

The squabbling drives me mad, I feel your pain op. But fighting in the car needs nipping in the bud. Mine did this a few times (every Friday , on the way to the same activity). I pulled over and refused to go until they behaved. Then when back at home I scared the crap out of them with a lecture about how dangerous it was for me to drive with them arguing in the back,and how ultimately as the driver their behaviour was my responsibility and worse case scenario someone could end up dead or me in prison. That worked...

Punishing doesn’t actually address the behaviour, it just leads to feelings of resentment and injustice.

I think you need to have a lot of conversations around respect for each other and what your expectations are for how they care for each other and you (their parents).

Time out in room for 8 minutes (he's 8) to calm down then we talk about what happened, why it's not acceptable and what he's going to do differently next time.

He hates being confined to one room so it's an effective consequence for him! He's not interested in screens so a screen ban wouldn't work!

Having said that, his behaviour has got so much better since he turned 8.

My children are a little older (10/11) however I found that simply time out in their room didn’t work anymore as they didn’t mind being there.
About 6 months ago we changed to a new disabling which is 1st offence- warning. 2nd offence- half and hour earlier to bed. 3rd offence- one hour earlier to bed. 4th offence- tech ban for 24hrs on top of the hour earlier to bed.
They don’t usually do 4 things wrong but as their behaviour had slipped they didn’t always care/stop when asked so I then moved onto the next stage x

New disabling = new discipline x

Thank you everyone. I agree that punishments on their own don’t work. I like the earlier to bed one! Couldn’t send them to their rooms- there is too much to do there!