Advice needed

[Louisana]

So Iv had my DD who is now 7months. My mother in law since she has been born has just been quite annoying and wasn't very nice at the start. I had a c section so needed quite a lot of help. My MIL would always put me down infront of others by saying that she does all the work and does everything for my DD, she even once said that i only gave birth to her but she's the one that's doing everything. She really put me down and made me feel very low. As u can imagine after having a baby you don't feel very great an she just made it a whole lot worse. This carried on for a while. I never addressed it with her as after a few months she has calmed down.

Now the problem is she just gives little sly comments here an there. So if my DH takes her over to MIL an Iv come over after a few hours to pick her up she would say omg her nappy was soaking wet etc. Again making me feel low an that i don't know what I'm doing.

So today she had DD and I had made her milk so I asked her to give me DD and she said no il do it you have had her all day. I said no il do it myself as my SIL has had her an I want to feed her myself. She was like noooo il do it jus give it to me. Then my SIL said don't worry your doing the last night feed too. I just find it so frustrating that she always wants to take over. She is my first born an I just don't know what to do? Or how to address it because at the same time MIL does help out a lot. Eg when we have date nights or if I have appointments etc she will look after her but sometimes she just takes over too much and makes little remarks!!

How can I deal with this without causing an argument or making it awkward between us??

Sorry for the long essay lol any advice please.

She sounds like hard work. I'd stop asking her to watch your DD to be honest, there's no appointment you can have that you can't take a baby. My 1 year old recently had front row seats to a smear test (I have no one, and I do mean not one single person, that I can ask to watch him). And as nice as date nights probably are, are they really worth the abuse she gives you?

I know what you mean I could take her with me the only thing is she always asks for DD. Like in the evening if I don't take her around she always sends my SIL to come an get DD. It's hard to say no as it's her grandchild an she wants to see her literally everyday.

I don't want it to look like I'm trying to take DD away from her. Not sure how to deal with it? Shal I talk to her about it? But would it seem silly as it was months ago when she would say all them things so it's like why am I bringing it up now ?

Also recently I spoke to my DH about all the things she said when DD was first born. An DH said I should've addressed the situation then and then it wouldn't of made me feel the way I do today.

DH has said I need to speak to MIL otherwise he will.

I think if he speaks to her for me that will look bad on me that I'm telling DH about her an I can't deal with it myself. Not sure if I should address it or just let DH speak to his mum?

No-one has an automatic right to see your child everyday except you. Neither my parents nor my in-laws see us on a daily basis. They would both drive me insane if they did. You are an adult & perfectly entitled to your own time with your child. You should stop that expectation now. It doesn’t mean they’ll have a bad relationship with their grandchild. My in-laws live 4/5 hours away & see our daughter once every 6 weeks or so yet they have a fantastic relationship! My parents live down the road, we see them roughly 2/3 times a week. One of those days is childcare while we work & the other odd day we pop in or have a trip about somewhere!

I find it very odd your SIL turns up to take your child to her mum. Just say no?! Do you do stuff in the week with your DD? Like baby classes, seeing friends etc? As I’d just say sorry, we are busy today doing x,y,z and we’ll try see you later in the week!

Are you going back to work? Will your DD be going to nursery? As they will probably help take some of the pressure off as she won’t be able to see your DD everyday!

During the day I take her out for walks and we go to baby classes but in the evening totally free.

A few times when SIL has come to get DD I make an excuse an say "oh I'm putting her to sleep or I'm just feeding her etc" but it's draining that I have to even think of an excuse an I'm constantly worried that she will pop back to ask for DD again.

It's awkward because they live next door an she wants to see DD every single day an if I don't they feel like why haven't I come around. Am I in a mood etc?

DH has said he is going to speak to MIL in a few days an just say that " wife hasn't liked the things you've said in the past to people and also u don't make her feel like a good mum and u make her feel like she isn't doing a good job and she would prefer it if you didn't make her feel that way"

I

Oh my God they live next door!? Genuinely, you need to move. You will never be free if you stay next door.

This is horrible. They shouldn't just be coming over to take YOUR baby.

This isn't just about how this makes you feel. Your baby wants YOU, over and above everyone else. Start standing up for yourself and your baby and learn to say no, whatever the fallout might be.

DH has said he is going to speak to MIL in a few days an just say that " wife hasn't liked the things you've said in the past to people and also u don't make her feel like a good mum and u make her feel like she isn't doing a good job and she would prefer it if you didn't make her feel that way" - so DH is therefore planning to make it all sound like its YOU with the problem by talking about how it makes you feel.

No, no, no. He should be telling his family that they don't have ownership or decision making powers over how the baby is looked after and that they need to take a step back.

If that's not going to happen, you need to move away either with or without your DH.

Agree with PP you need to move, and potentially without your husband.

I know I do need to stand up for myself. It's just that it's difficult especially with the in laws being right next door.

There's no way I could move out as financially I can't.

I am going to speak to DH and tell him to speak to his family and to take a step back an me an DD will come over but not every single day.

This exhausts me. Especially when I have to make up excuses or I have to hide in my bedroom so they don't come over an ask for my baby!!!

As scary as it might be, you need to be brave and address this with your MiL as well as your DH speaking to them. It's YOUR baby, not your MiL's. Grandparents do not get an automatic right to have the baby, see them every day or demand time with them.

You shouldn't have to be hiding in your own house in case your MiL comes over asking for 1 on 1 time with your DD. You need to put your foot down (this doesn't need to be done in a way that's rude or nasty) but you should explain - firmly - that you don't want your DD to go out/see MiL today, etc.

Even if those initial issues of your MiL being incredibly overbearing in the newborn days weren't addressed at the time, you can still tell her how they made you feel and that her actions have led to you feeling inadequate and pushed out. Stand up for yourself and lay the groundwork now - you won't get this time back with your DD and it'll be important for her to see that her mum isn't dictated to by family members who think their time with her is more important than you spending time with her.

Absolutely don’t make excuses. “No thanks SIL I do t need a babysitter tonight” “No thanks MIL it’s nearly bed time”

It’ll be time start getting into an evening and bedtime routine soon and that can’t include visits next door.

Just to echo these comments, you need to move. You sound like it's making you a nervous wreck and that isn't how a supportive family should make you feel. Move house and set done boundaries both physically and emotionally. I think it's fine to tell you SIL next time she comes over that you've actually been having a good think about things and want to create some boundaries. Say you want to get your child into a routine and want to have some more independence as the way things currently are have left you feeling uneasy. It's fine to be honest with people. Your partners family sound totally overbearing and the fact you've endured it this far is too much. You can do this, just stay strong

Wow, you've been incredibly patient. That's very rude of your MIL. And pushy of your SIL. Even if their intentions are good, they need to be more considerate of your feelings. It isn't normal to turn up and take a baby away from the mother. You should politely say you don't feel comfortable. Don't worry or feel guilty about how you come across. It's natural to want to stay with your baby and to feel protective. The fact they have your DD by themselves a few times a week is absolutely enough, they aren't co-parents! It's nice they help but don't nice things for people doesn't give them the excuse to be controlling.

This is a special time that goes quickly. All your baby needs is you and your feelings are most important. There's plenty of years ahead for family to babysit.