Struggling with newborn, hand hold?

[shutupsteph]

I have a three week old baby boy and don't get me wrong, I'm besotted, but I'm struggling to come to terms with everything.

He's a relatively easy baby, I think! I think we could have it so much worse so I'm thankful, he can settle to sleep on his own (mostly), cries when he needs something and very rarely cries for no reason (although we did have a good 24 hours of constant crying and fussing over the weekend) but mostly he's a good baby. I'm finding it really difficult to come to terms with the fact that this is how it is now. I don't miss my 'old life' really, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything but something just isn't settling with me. It's such a massive change and I thought I'd come to terms with it before having DS but it's just hit me like a bus over the last few days. I don't feel capable of keeping this little creature alive and happy, I don't feel like I know what I'm doing and I feel like I'm just pretending?

Again, we're super lucky and we even manage to get a few hours of solid sleep by taking it in turns in the night (one of us sleeps on the sofa for a few hours then swaps) so I don't feel like I can blame tiredness because other parents have it so much worse.

My anxiety is through the roof, I've been diagnosed with GAD since I was 17 and had been able to manage it but it's eating me up inside, the constant worry and fear. I have really awful intrusive thoughts and can 'see' everything that could possibly go wrong and I don't think that's making it any easier.

I just don't know how and if I can do this, I feel very alone - I don't have any family, only my dad who lives really far away and OH's family are pretty useless, wont even put the kettle on when they visit - friends are few and far between, I don't have anyone closer than a half an hour drive and they all work full time 9-5 so the weeks are very lonely. I've looked into baby classes but the car park at the centre is awful and it's too far to walk so I get worked up that we won't be able to park and then I panic about meeting new people - that's another hurdle I have to overcome but for now it's too much.

I think I just need some hand holding!

Hi OP, sorry I can't offer any real practical advice as I'm a few weeks behind you but it sounds like you're doing really well so far. Your baby is obviously very well looked after and loved despite you finding it hard.

Are you being actively treated for your anxiety? Lots of what you've said sounds like postnatal depression. Could you speak to your GP if you haven't already?

Congrats on your baby, OP!
I have a nearly 9mo old, and it was such a shock at first, it took me a long time to understand and accept that I’ve lost even basic body autonomy. Once I accepted it I felt much better.

The first twelve weeks are the most difficult, then it gets easier and things become a habit.

Make sure you take good care of yourself too.

The big lie of parenting is that it's all instinctive and natural when in truth most of us are flying by the seat of our pants! It is a huge change - you're life's been turned upside down, it takes a bit of time to find a new equilibrium but it'll come. You'll probably look back on the first six weeks as a bit of a blur, I know I did. But it gets easier to plan around your baby, take them with you. It sounds like you're doing great, don't be hard on yourself.

Go and see your GP. Post natal anxiety is a real, very common and very treatable thing.

Sorry to hear this OP but congrats on your beautiful baby. I had all the same feelings and horrible intrusive thoughts, 4 months later I’m still having them but they aren’t as bad or as frequent. I’m waiting for CBT therapy to help but I think I’ll be better before I get the referral tbh!

Intrusive thoughts are so common with a new born - people don’t talk about it. It’s your minds way of alerting you to danger to make sure your little one is kept safe. It’s horrible having these thoughts but it just means you’ll keep your baby safe. Having said that it is a clear sign of PNA. You can self refer through the NHS website to get help with this and I would encourage you to speak to your GP as you don’t need to suffer with this.

Things will calm down and the fog will lift I promise. Try to saviour all the newborn moments where you can, they grow so quickly 💕

Also when people visit, tell them to go a job, make their own cup of tea, put a wash on, make you lunch etc...

Sometimes people feel awkward to help in your home but are happy to help if you ask them.

Don’t feel pressure to go out or to baby groups yet. I stayed in for a month before I went out and then it was jut for walks around the block. Take your time, don’t put pressure on yourself, you’ll get there eventually xx

I have a 7 week old and I felt like you a few weeks ago, I went to the GP and started anxiety medication and 2 weeks later I'm feeling a lot better and calmer. Please get help, there's no reason for you to suffer and feel this way

It is a huge change and no one ever realises quite how much until they've done it. So don't minimise it, it is a HUGE thing and most people do find it a massive adjustment, so don't think it is just you. Go easy on yourself, and don't put pressure on yourself to do anything more than just look after your baby.

Also, remember that baby classes are really more for you than your baby at this age. So don't feel pressured to go, just relax. You'll be fine

The post partum hormones are tough to deal with. It does get easier. Don't take his you feel now as any indication of how you will feel in a couple of months.

Thanks everyone, it's nice to know I'm not alone and there will be an end to this.

I went to see my midwife today to be discharged and I spoke to her about my feelings and she advised I saw a GP so I've got an appointment this afternoon. I'm also going to talk to my partner this evening, I've kept him in the dark about my thoughts and feelings which definitely hasn't helped.

Well done, OP

Take it one day at a time, some will be (very) hard going, but the more babies grow the more interesting they get.
In the early days I thought days go on forever, but now it feels like 9 months have gone in a blink.

Really feel for you but I think it can be totally normal. When my DD (now 5) was born, as much as I was totally in love, I remember feeling like I had been hit by a truck. At one point I was bathing her and remember thinking "is this it? Is this my life now, every day the same routine, there is no escape???" and I felt petrified. She was planned and very much wanted. But honestly it does get better.

I was a worrier as well but then realised I needed to get out of my comfort zone and just get out and about more and meet new people. Someone suggested a new mums meet up and I'd normally stay well clear, I'm a bit awkward around new people, but my LO was 5 weeks old and something told me to go for it. 5 years on and 5 of us that met that day are still friends and going on a night out next month. It was the best thing I did. One of the other babies at the time is now my DDs bestie and they are in the same class at school.

The days go slowly those first few weeks but you will settle into a routine. Remember, everything you know about life has been turned upside down, so it takes time to adjust. So get out there, go to the baby groups and before you know it you'll have a brilliant support network of new mum friends! I now have so many groups of friends and it's a juggling act if we are trying to plan a night out (I have to say no sometimes as I can't be out too much, it's not fair) and believe me that certainly wasn't the case before ha ha!

You can do this!

Becoming a mum is a brutal psychological transition and you’ve no time to ‘process’ or ‘control’ the intensity. It will get easier when you know DC better and a schedule develops- it will be more predictable and you’ll feel more confident. But you do learn the hard way!

OP the sleep deprivation plus mum’s natural response to a newborn crying creates even more anxiety on top of your pre-baby levels. Eg tiredness=physiological ‘anxiety’, baby cries or has a difficult period =more physiological anxiety in mum, plus being new mum and learning the hard way = thinking/feeling anxiety, all on top of what you faced before. It sounds like a snowball that’s at risk of getting bigger, so catch it quickly and manage it moment by moment where possible. Do see your GP and be mindful of techniques that have worked for you in the past.

Try gentle breathing and ‘grounding work’ after anxiety provoking moments and before bed. Check in with your thinking and expectations for difficult situations. Stay in the moment (eg say that was a hard moment, but I handled it, glad it’s over. I might not know what’s coming my way, but I am prepared to handle it) try not to generalize (eg parenting will be hard forever and I won’t be able to cope or I will never enjoy it).

You’re doing fine coping with a major life transition. Be kind to yourself and carve out moments that help you...eg guided meditation, listening to chill music and deep breathing while baby is napping in carrier. Btw Brain fm is great for mummy cat naps and sleep help. Could try Rescue remedy, camomile tea, extra vitamin b6/b12, magnesium & vit d to de-frazzle nervous system. A mummy massage or warm bath, etc.
The best thing you can do for your baby is to take care of you!

And EVERY mum at a new mums group feels like you and we are all embarrassed/anxious when we can’t settle DC, or show up covered with sick in our hair and on our shirts. Eventually you become too tired to care because you realize it makes you feel bad and doesn’t really matter in the end... and your new mum friends will laugh at how low the bar drops!
Hang in there.

Hi OP, congratulations on your baby.
I felt the same as you and other posters. It was such a shock and I actually felt miserable. It was not PND, just the sheer change in a reality I had known for my whole life.
I agree with @Flumpywoo - I was so overwhelmed with the thought of “is this it for my entire life?!”.
My DD is now 11 months and we are slowly coming to a new normality. It does get better, I promise.
For now, be kind to yourself. I found that a cup of tea or a hot bath, when I had the time, really helped.

My baby is 3 weeks old. I feel exactly the same - could have written this post word for word. Everyone promises me it gets easier. Sending love and strength until it does xx

Congratulations sounds like you’re a great mum. I understand the feeling of being overwhelmed but you have successfully managed to keep the little one alive and healthy and happy for 3 weeks already if you couldn’t do it you wouldn’t be where you are now.

Is there any baby groups in your area. I know you have friends from the “old” life but some, I have found, don’t understand when you try to talk to them and make you feel as if you are draining the fun out of the friendship... by heading to some groups you might meet some new friends, not to replace the ones you already have but to help and support you in this new exciting chapter of your life