BPD grandmother

[givemestrenght]

My mother has been diagnosed with emotional dis-regulation and has been having 'episodes' for the last 3 years non-stop. The only break I get is when she is taken in to a mental health institute. There she makes progress and seems to be doing ok but after a few weeks out she goes downhill again.

During her times of dis regulation she is highly abusive towards me and my siblings. Calling us horrible things, saying she's going to sell the family home move away and live by herself. Ultimately when we don't respond she starts saying she's going to kill herself. And so has been the cycle for years.

When we were growing up she wasn't very present, going to bed when she got home from work, being in bed all day Saturdays. She never came to school plays, didn't cook our dinners, didn't play with us or take us anywhere and generally we walked on egg shells in case we tipped her over the edge. I remember being locked out of the house more than one occasion late on Sunday nights when we all got a bit much for her.

Luckily my aunt and granny stepped in for a lot of things and as we didn't know any different weren't all that affected with all that behavior until she's reached a peak over the last few years and now looking back wonder how we survived such an environment.

Now I have kids myself. Since they were born they never know her as an even semi stable grandparent, as shes been admitted so frequently, plus we have shielded them all that world.

The thing is now she's talking about having sleepovers with the kids and to be honest it makes me feel physically sick that she would do even half the things she did when I was younger.
We don't need a babysitter like that, we have a safe network built up whom we trust if we need any help.

If I say anything about sleepovers not happening she'll flip out and have another episode which is hard for everyone. In her mind I'm withholding HER grandkids.

What would you say in this situation? I keep contact to a minimum and only because my siblings and I each get burnt out after a few weeks of being in her company and we tag team 'supporting' her.

I think trust your instincts. You got through your childhood, you obviously had your family and siblings who helped you through it all. But why should you your kids go that? You are right to shield them.

It sounds like such a difficult situation and I'm not sure what would be the best thing to say to her.

Obviously I don't think she should be allowed anywhere near your children, let alone be in sole charge

Do your siblings have any children and if so, is she demanding sleep overs with them?

I know it’s not right to lie to her but a friend of mine was in a similar situation and told her DM that the children were nervous without her for the night and didn’t like to go on sleepovers to anyones houses. My friend found this the easiest way to deal with the constant requests from her DM who for similar reasons she didn’t want her DCs to stay over with.

I'm the only one with DS's (for the moment) so will be the first to field this situation with her

She walked in to our house this afternoon and announced to my DS's that she was doing up a room putting in a double bed for them to have sleepovers and that she needed my DS's to mind her. Bearing in mind they are 3 & 6. So I was blindsided as she didn't say anything to me beforehand about any of this.

She then asked my DS's we're the excited and she can't wait to have them. They were a little dubious but then started talking about bringing their teddies, inside I wanted to scream at her taking advantage of their innocence.

Just say no, not happening. If it's BPD she'll then try to emotionally blackmail you, then manipulate you, then threaten to kill herself. Stop speaking to you for a few weeks. Then in all likelihood continue as if it never happened.

Just keep saying no. You don't have to justify it.

For what it's worth it would be a hard pass from me too.

Why is she walking into your house? Lock the door and don't leave her alone with your kids. You need serious boundaries with someone like this

We suffered neglect as children too, although not as extreme as yours.

I agree that you need to think about your boundaries more.

My "D"M only comes to my house by invitation and they are fairly rare.

She definitely wouldn't be coming in if she just turned up. We would apologise but say that we were just on our way out and we'd see her soon.

Like Div says, I'd just be firm with her. You know exactly what will happen but surely that's better than what she's doing now?

Have you had any counselling? The thing I struggled with most at first was my "D"M's expectation that we would care for her when she had provided no care for us when we were little and needed her.

Sorry should have been clearer, we had arranged a visit for yesterday afternoon. That is after no contact in over a week after a particularly vicious text message and she's still in a mental health institute at the moment so was only out for the day.

She gets out on Wednesday after doing DBT therapy this time, which in my mind hasn't done a thing as how can she have been attending that and send me a vicious message over me not being available to go up to her house and measure all her floors in a moments notice. Also to come in and announce she wants sleepovers with my kids she has no boundaries at all and it gets tiring always being on edge wondering what will come up next.

I've been attending a family connects course which helps family members deal with someone with BPD.

Her issues are mainly around abandonment but like above how can she expect such care when she didn't give me any care as a child.

Sorry should have been clearer, we had arranged a visit for yesterday afternoon. That is after no contact in over a week after a particularly vicious text message and she's still in a mental health institute at the moment so was only out for the day.

You have no obligation to her if she can't be civil to you. You also have no obligation to have her at your house on her days away from the hospital. Are you able to tell the staff he she's behaving and how upsetting that is? If you do feel obliged to look after her on her days out of hospital, that doesn't have to be in your home or with your DC. Again, it's hard to see it sometimes when you are in the middle of it but you need better boundaries