Borrowing my own baby?

[mummaintraining19]

I don’t want to seem ungrateful my OH’s family help out so much with things for my DD! But when we see them it’s like I’m borrowing my own baby! they are quite an over the top family and it is there first GD but sometimes it feels like they go against everything I say. When we visit they will want to hold my DD (which is fine) but they won’t put her down or give her back.

When it’s time to feed her I will ask for her back and they will say ‘no she is just tired’ when my child is crying and eating her hand because she is hungry & due for a feed. Another time, my OH’s family member brought their dog around & although it was a friendly dog they left my baby on the floor with the dog running around. They wouldn’t let me pick her up & I’m incredibly allergic to dogs so had to bathe her at a stupid time!

They do things like put their hand in her mouth when she’s teething which I honestly couldn’t tell you how clean they are!! they kiss her hands and face when they have a history of getting cold sores.

My OH’s sister had a respiratory infection and no one made us aware so we went round as normal and she was coughing on her hands and then holding my DD.

When we are out in public and they are leaving they will find ANYONE other than me to take her. Even if my OH is on the other side of the room & I’m sitting with his family they will still take her all the way to him instead of me.

Every time we see them it’s a fight for them to have her. One time my OH’s mum said to another family member ‘I’m having her first’ and they both rushed over.

My OH doesn’t see a problem with any of this & every time I talk to him about it it goes through one ear and out the other!!

I’m at the end of my patience. Every time I come home from seeing them with my DD & OH I cry. I don’t feel like I can ask them not to do something as I don’t want to fall out with his family.

I need help... how do I tell them no & how do I go about this in the right way?

You have to be a responsible parent and stop all this. Some of the the things you describe are putting your baby at risk - you are her mother and her voice. Just tell them or take the baby away. Stop allowing them to put your child at risk.

They wouldn’t let me pick her up
Just pick her up! They cant stop you and is they try to physically stop you picking up your own baby you can ask them to leave.

I don’t feel like I can ask them not to do something as I don’t want to fall out with his family.

You need to prioritise your child. You are her parent and that is your job.

Cold sores are dangerous for babies. Start with that one and see if your husband steps up. If he doesn't you have big problems and need to worry a lot less about upsetting people.

No, just no. You shouldn't feel like you aren't 'allowed' to do anything with your own child. Fuck trying to please them and keep the peace, tell them how it is and don't stand for that!

And most importantly cold sores can be fatal to a baby, would you rather piss them off for a day or have something serious happen to your DD? Letting her go hungry, letting her be coughed all over and letting her be on the floor with a dog running around isn't okay, stand up for yourself.

This does sound really hard, and I do know a little bit of what you are going through as I feel the same with my in laws at times and I absolutely hate confrontation. But knowing as a previous poster said that I am my little girls voice and her protector helped me to step up and put my foot down and now my lo is nearly 7 months they know who is boss (me!) when it comes to her and I have a much happier peaceful time with them, since telling them nicely but firmly whats what and physically taking my child off them when I want her. You can do it!! Sending you sympathy x

Don't ask do. It's your baby so if you want to pick them up do. I refuse to hand my baby over like a doll. When we visit in laws who I find over bearing I keep my baby close in my hold, get him out of jumpers etc and keep him on my lap for a bit before allowing anyone to hold him so he gets time to see who is in the room. I also take him back as soon as he suggests his fed up so there is no option to pass him on. there is no discussion i just address my baby and say something like oh is it all a bit much and take him. As for the kissing that needs to stop instantly. Coldsores can be fatal. Tell your dh to either step in or back you up. Show him tragic stories of babies that have contracted them if he doesn't listen. If people ignore you and kiss anyway they don't get to hold the baby and if they still persist no contact.

Honestly ,you just have to do it ie pick her up,say you are taking her to feed her whatever.Nicely and without anger but seriously just do it

Once you have done it a few times it will seem much easier than you are currently thinking

Really similar situation here. It came to a head this week when my SIL stuck her finger in DS's mouth, she has great big dirty nail extensions. I didn't see it happen so didn't say anything. DH told me later. I was mad at him for not saying anything and have made it very clear that the next time ANYTHING like that happens he must either say something or tell me immediately so I can address it because at the end of the day I don't give a hoot if they don't like me.

Thank you for the advice - I’m definitely going to stand my ground now just wanted to know the best way of going about it. I’m not a confrontational person. I’m also only 21 & this is my first baby so I’ve never had to experience anything like this before. My DD is my world & I am so angry when I come home and obviously my OH is completely unaware of anything that happens.

I have tried holding onto my child as long as possible but then she comes over and goes ‘nana have a cuddle’ which is fine as we only see them once a week but then she goes to do something and gives her to my OH’s sister and then they don’t stop passing her to one another all night. If she cries they try and calm her and when I say I’ll take her they’ll do the ‘oh no it’s alright I’ll do it’ and they CANT calm her down.

On Christmas Day we went out with them and I asked, after my daughter being passed around, if I could have her back (my DD’s first Christmas) and my OH’s auntie said ‘you should be grateful we are given you a break’ As if I asked for a break!! I didn’t have a child to have a break! I actually enjoy looking after my DD and if I was to need a break I would ask my mum who I trust & who knows her routine. His cousin then said ‘yeah, you get her all day let someone else have a turn’ like she’s a toy.

I find it especially hard as this always happens when we are round my MIL’s house and because I don’t drive it’s not like I can take my child and leave. My OH doesn’t seem to see the dangers (mother’s know best) and I think he would struggle leaving and trying not to upset his family (understandable).

His family take thing to heart and when we bring something up (the respiratory infection for example) they will accuse us of saying that they don’t care about their GC health. Which sometimes I want to say no you don’t because who doesn’t know the risks of cold sores and who doesn’t have the common sense not to shove their fingers in a child’s mouth! I don’t even do it as her mother. Only to put some teething gel on her gums and even then I have to wash my hands over and over again.

They are a full on family.

I just had to double check that I didn't write this. I fucking hate it - FIL is the worst. DS will be sitting having a cuddle with me when they arrive and he'll just come and grab him out of my arms. A few weeks ago they brought over some toddler toys (DS is 6 months) and tried to plonk DS on a moving train thing when he can't sit up yet despite me asking him not to. Obviously he fell off and then FIL tried to object when I picked up the screaming baby to comfort him. I walked out the room (with DS) at that point.

I think I'm just going to have to be firmer with them. Lots of sympathy for you here!

I think you need to talk to his mum.
Ask her to help you, tell her you know she will understand, and that the last thing you want to do is stop visiting, as you know it is not her.
Yes a lie, but you need her on your side.

I don’t think you say how old she is, but could you put her in a sling when you first get there and say she’s staying in there till she gets comfortable with all the people then if she’s getting upset later put her back in it. Makes it harder for people to take her off you

Yes definitely do @Amys136 idea with the sling, nobody can take her then! It’s hard becoming a parent realising you have to put yourself in uncomfortable situations to look after your child, you need to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Just be rude and grab your baby who cares what your ILs say!

You need to find your firm voice and death stare. Be loud, clear and take back the baby by force it needed. Practice 'give me back my baby', 'she's hungry, she needs her mum'. Then when its oh but nana wants a cuddle or whatever 'no she's hungry'. So what if you dont drive, dont let yourself be isolated like this. Take baby and walk out the house if necessary. Personally, I would refuse to visit with baby after that and meet on natural turf or have them round to you. If DH/DP wont be onboard then you need to arrange a joint visit with the HV to talk through those dangers and have him hear it for himself. I'm afraid you need to start being assertive so he's more worried about upsetting you than his mummy.

I appreciate you're only young, and it's hard to feel confident enough to stand up for yourself. I'm naturally very shy and a natural people pleaser/confrontation avoideder so I do know how it feels. The great thing is though once you've 'won' once you get a buzz that pushes you to be even more assertive next time, and so on, so it just gets easier. 'Fake it til you make it'. You can totally do it. Be assertive!

Let's say your baby is in their arms, becoming over tired and starting to cry. Make eye contact with who's holding her, give them a friendly smile and say nice and clearly 'Thanks, I'll have her back now'. Not 'Shall I take her? or 'Maybe she needs to nap?', make a clear statement that you ARE having her back. Stand in front of them and hold out your arms. If whoever is holding her doesn't immediately hand her over give them a Paddington stare and a nice sharp 'Thank you!'. This works beautifully , I've never known anyone not respond immediately to this. You're thanking them, as if they've already done what you've asked, so now they HAVE to do what you've asked! It's a great technique to practice now as it comes in so handy when dealing with your own little ones as they grow and get bolshy. Just because you're young doesn't mean anyone has the right to treat you like a carpet.

Well if you tell your OH that you aren't going on the next visit, maybe his ears might work a bit better? And then you and DD simply don't get in the car, or you go to your own family on that day.

The problem is not the "full on (selfish) family" - its your OH, he needs to deal with them. This will set a precedent for your lives together, and sadly as many mums on here find out, its a battle you do have to fight.

I'd sort of assumed you have your own family, is there any way your mum could say something like "oh yes I used to hate it when my MiL took you off of me so rude" in front of your OH?

Again I could have wrote this. I'm still finding my voice. So not much advise for you, I just keep thinking in my head... I'm her voice, I need to protect her.

My dd cries around his family, shes 7 months and just at that age where she is wary if she doesnt see someone all the time, as I finally get her to calm down and have some bottle, MIL comes and starts waving a light up singing bear in front of her eyes, part of me thinks no way can she be this naive to think this is appropriate, she must be trying to piss me off (she's like that).
Also they have the fire on full all the time. So I strip the baby as shes too hot. I make a point of going over to take her off MIL, lay her down on the carpet to cool, she shouts "don't just put her there, give her back to me", I was furious. I turned and firmly said "no". The room went a little quiet... but she understood. It happened a couple of times after and I've snapped back and I think its finally calming down now.
It's so hard but difference is my DP can see exactly where I am coming from. Neither of us want to fall out but our daughter comes first.

I agree with PP who said that you just take the baby and walk out of the house if it gets that bad. Your OH would probably follow you, and if he doesn’t, then you know you have a bigger problem on your hands.

I’ve been through similar with my ILs, constantly interfering, telling me/us how to parent, talking to DC as if we’re not there, blatantly ignoring our requests about certain things, etc. The key is to be firm, don’t phrase it as a question (can I have her back?) or allow them the option of taking what you’ve said as a request or a possibility (maybe she needs a feed). Try to harness that mama bear instinct and get angry on your DD’s behalf if needs be - it’s one thing saying things which upset me, but if anyone interferes with my DC, that’s a different matter

Oh come on people, please don't let these overbearing arses take over your precious babies!!

You really do need to stand your ground from the beginning.

My own MIL tried to grab my pram off me on my very first walk with the baby, I wasn't having any of it and grabbed it back, some people don't know their place

She's yours, you don't need their permission. They might mean well, people often think new parents want or need a break, or they might just be possessive/insensitive or something else but you are her mum. No need for a fight, just a smile and a firm, "I'll take her now." repeat as needed.

My DD is 7 months and I have thought of the idea of a sling @Amys136 but she loves sitting up by herself (not that they let her). I’ve taken over a walker so she can sit in and not be constantly passed around. I’ve tried leaving her in her car seat whilst she’s asleep (oh to top it off she tries to wake her up from her sleep always has). Sometimes I really think HOW HAVE YOU BEEN A MOTHER!!! Like surely things haven’t changed that much that you don’t know YOU SHOULDN'T WAKE A SLEEPING BABY!!! I WISH I carried on breast feeding because at least then she couldn’t say anything. If I want to feed her it’s a ‘it’s fine I’ll feed her’.

It’s not even the IL’s who’s like it. My OH’s auntie constantly messages me to meet, constantly wants to hold my baby. We went over Boxing Day night and she asked if she can hold my DD as she ‘hasn’t had a turn’ I said right now I’m feeding her. And then halfway through the bottle ‘is it my turn yet?’ I ignored her and carried on feeding her. My DD was knackered (it had been a busy day with family) so I started getting her to sleep. His auntie said can I have her now and I said ‘She’s tired I’m going to get her to sleep.’ She said ‘I’ll do it’ I was also tired and kind of snapped and said ‘no I’m fine I can do it.’ And she gave me the dirtiest look I have probably ever gotten. I just took her upstairs (we were staying over) and we both went to bed.

I don’t enjoy going round or seeing them. I actually find it hard work and find I’m emotionally drained after spending time with them.

They sound awful.

I agree with a pp-don't visit & tell your husband why-your daughter isn't a toy!

The 'having a turn' business drives me batshit. PIL and SIL squabble over who has held him the longest (when DS doesn't even really like cuddles at the moment anyway). Maybe you can just think about what's best for the baby?!

Sending big hugs, my family were a bit like this when my little boy was born. It's a lot easier now that he's a toddler but would definitely recommend standing your ground! Having a baby (especially the first grandchild) totally changes the family dynamic, I found it important to assert myself as a mother (they still saw me as a daughter/granddaughter who didn't know better than them, not my little boy's mum). Once you've stood your ground it does become easier, they need to know that you're her mum so what you say goes. Obviously it's important that she has a relationship with her wider family, but not if it's detrimental to her.