Struggling to cope.with motherhood

[Dboi19]

Hello
My little boy is ten months old and wonderful, however I am falling short as a mother and feel daily like I am failing him. My partner and I were never the people desperate to have children but when we fell pregnant I was excited and looking forward to becoming a parent (I think my partner was just terrified) - neither of us had any experience with babies, no family network nearby and quite socially isolated. My son was born a few weeks early when I started to haemorrhage and ended in a forceps delivery. Jaundice and milk supply issues to begin with, colic etc. Pretty standard really. But it's been a struggle and continues to be so. I don't think my son is particularly difficult, he just wants to be close to me and on the move all the time. But I find myself loosing patience. I get upset and angry at all the demands. I hate to hear him cry so run to comfort him whenever he does, but when he continues to cry I struggle and get frustrated. Same with when he is whiny. My tolerance levels are pretty low and I can see that I am not like other mums who seem to take it all in their stride. I desperately want to be able to relax and enjoy my little boy, instead I schedule the day into blocks to help me get through.
He still wakes once or twice at night and then is awake from 5-6am. He goes back to sleep after a feed but I am grumpy and short with him when I go to him.at night. My partner and I are exhausted, we are both ultra sensitive and irritable but I am worse. We don't seem to be looking after ourselves well enough and I know for sure I have nothing left to give my partner. Our sex life was never fabulous but since pregnancy it's got worse - not surprising I guess but the lack of intimacy is taking its toll and I don't know what to do about my non existence sex drive.
I love my son endlessly, he is such a blessing but I am finding the responsibility so hard. I'm beginning to really dislike myself for how frustrated, stressed and angry I get and I don't know how to improve things. He deserves so much better. I dread it when people ask 'are you loving it' as I am no good at lying. I just tell them I love him but have found motherhood a challenge. And then comes the guilt. Why don't I love motherhood? What do I do to make myself more balanced and less stressed? How to I start enjoying life with him?

It would be helpful to hear if anyone else has felt like this and what you did to overcome these feelings? I have suffered from mild depression and anxiety over the years (as has my partner) and am starting a CBT course soon. I have thought I may have PND and am on a wait list for a support group but no idea when (if ever) i may get a place. Is there any online support groups that people haved tried and tested?

I really do love my little boy and couldn't be without him. I've started having a bit of time away from him (and going back to work soon) and am desperate to see him when I get home but I still get stressed and feel hopeless at times. It's just so hard. And I feel so guilty for not being good enough for him.

Wow, that was a long ramble! Thanks for listening

Hi, I didn't want to read and run. I'm sorry you're struggling. I honestly think everyone on this board will have had times that they felt overwhelmed by motherhood, I know I have. Do you get any time to yourself in the week? A few hours to go round the shops, do some exercise, whatever. Just time when you're just you rather than mum. I find that helps massively. And I enjoy motherhood much more now with a toddler to be honest, so you might find the same. Sleep deprivation is brutal. When my dd stopped waking in the night, I really felt much healthier and better in myself. Take care op and I hope the cbt helps x

Can you afford a childminder a day a week - or a few mornings? That would give you some space. Then save the jobs you need to do like food shopping for when he's around - to keep him busy?
I would also say get out the house as much as possible. It's easier if you go to toddler groups/get a zoo pass or something. Go swimming or anything to wear him out.

Sorry you're struggling. I have an 11 month old and most Mums I know have times when they find it tedious and pretty much everyone I know thinks of their day as blocks of time in between naps, even those with good sleepers. My DD never once slept through until around 11 months and some days I was just exhausted and felt short on patience too, the sleep deprivation felt so prolonged and I thought it would never end. Can your partner do a night shift and then maybe alternate so you can have a proper rest? As soon as DD started sleeping through it was like a fog lifted and I felt more like my old self so hopefully that's not too far off, ours came as a total shock to us. You definitely are good enough or you wouldn't be worrying you aren't :) it's just hard work and lots of ups and downs (and lack of sleep and hormones which don't help)

That all sounds really familiar. The only thing that helped with me was getting a break from time to time. Time to not be on duty and having to think of someone else the whole time. Do you get any time off? Are you planning on going back to work?

My son was born a few weeks early when I started to haemorrhage and ended in a forceps delivery. Jaundice and milk supply issues to begin with, colic etc. Pretty standard really.

Also, that’s not pretty standard. Some people have a much more straightforward time of it than that. All of that sounds exhausting. So don’t minimise your difficult experiences.