Dad struggling please don’t judge

[Annom11223344]

Hi everyone

Joined this group just to share some struggles. I have two children one 8yo girl with my previous partner and a 1yo boy with my current partner/fiancé.
Me and my 8yo girl get on so well and we are best friends, when she was a baby she was good as gold in every aspect.

However I am struggling with my 1yo old boy, I find reasons to stay at work or reason to come back home later, he cries all the time from his mum leaving the room to even taking a jacket it off. He does not sleep, well very little, he will go off any time between 7-10 whilst constantly crying and then wake up at 11:30 crying then he can go asleep and wake up every hour or even stay awake till 4 in the morning crying.
I try and talk to my partner about him and what we should do but it lands on deaf ears and everything I say is wrong.
I often sleep down stairs now as my partner always has him in our bed and I can’t stand the crying.
Ive told her we should let him cry for 10 mins on his own then see him and repeat until he tires himself out but she won’t listen to me.

The doctor has said nothing is wrong with him, but I get so annoyed when he cries and get really frustrated as my daughter was never like this.

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years and feel this is effecting our relationship, it has got to the stage where I think about leaving her.

It feels like I have no bond with him like I did with my little girl, they are both complete opposites to when she was his age.

Something which may be important was that my partner got given some tablets to help her body release eggs. We went through this just to find out our options for when we were ready, she got the prescription and started taking the tablets with out my knowledge and then got pregnant, I was never ready for my second child.

I’m sorry to go on but finding it so hard and feel really bad for my little boy and my partner.

You poor thing. Yes babies can be hard work , however you do need to understand that they are all so different. I've had 3 and first and last were so easy . Sounds like your eldest. No 2 was much like your little chap. It's so hard even when you are the mum ..

Do you feel 'pushed out' by the baby. ? Have you tried to be more involved ? Your comment about the pills today release eggs' sounds like clomid... usually given to women who are having difficulty conceiving . Are you saying that you didn't even know your fiancé was trying to conceive ? If so that is very poor behaviour and can understand that all that added together would make you resentful..

Be prepared though . MN is very anti-men. You will get the inevitable' why don't you work all day and look after baby all night comments , so get your hard hat ready !

Thanks for your reply

Yes she took the tablets to conceive with out me knowing.

The mum is amazing and hate that we are growing apart, everything I seem to say is just ignored and all I’m trying to do is help so yes it feels like I’m getting pushed away a little.

She just has blinkers on and can’t see what I can see,

Not worried about any negative comments about me doing more , I love 10 miles away from my daughter and have her twice in the week and take her to school 45 mins away and have her on weekends.

Let me tell you, dd1 was an absolute breeze. I thought I’d totally mastered being a mum. Then came dd2, completely different! She just wanted me for the first few years, my dp persisted, was always kind and very clear that he loved her and was very consistent, now at almost 4 years old she wants her Daddy all the time, hand in there, they’re not the same but you will see a shift. The early years are sometimes tricky but they do pass, don’t give up! Good luck!

Wise words from Phoenix. It's so true.

If we just park the issue of taking fertility pills without even a discussion about having a child (hard but try for now) I can only imagine that your partner is so overjoyed with baby , thinking that she would never have one ) that she may be completely obsessed to the point of wanting nothing else but baby... you may be feeling like a bit of a convenient sperm donor atm - and that you have no further use..

I would try and push past this in the kindest way you can. Offer to have baby while she has a long soak in the bath.. goes to visit a friend ... anything really that looks like you are trying to make her life a bit easier , so that you get an opportunity to start to bond with your little chap. Keep at it until he gets used to you. It will be hard but so worth it ..

Thanks for both comments , I’ll take your advice and push through.

Yeah, some kids... I know many parents who've said "If we'd known we'd have stopped at one!" while staring haggardly into the distance. And others who had an awful time with the first and a breeze with the second.

There's basically sod all you can do about it except cope while the little one gets through this phase. It may take months, but it'll happen. Keep trying to do the right thing, but don't get into arguments with your partner about it - you need to have each other's back, she'll be as sleep deprived as you are and clutching at the baby to survive. Please make friends with her again and try and work things out.

The only thing I can advise you is not to make any serious decisions about your relationship when your child is being so difficult is so young.
Honestly, i found the first two years horrendous, but it got very slowly better after that. Keep your head down and accept that this part is going to be shit, is my advice. If it's still completely shit in a year, then you can review the situation, but for the time being, just try to push through as best you can.

She just has blinkers on and can’t see what I can see,
What do you mean by that? As many pp have said, loads of kids are like this. You get on well with the easy kid, that's great. Now there's a more challenging one, you are struggling. Nothing unusual there, it's all very normal. Just knuckle down until it gets easier. I'm sure mum is struggling too - it's very wearing being the only one your child wants to be taking care of them. Gets better as they get older.

Being the only one a one year old wants is HARD. My little boy will not be put down without crying, he clings to me like a little monkey, sleeps with me, breastfeeds. She will be at the end of her tether. If you helped her out and spent more time with him you might bond with him better. Some babies are just higher maintenance than others.

Presumably you were having unprotected sex so you can't be that surprised? Are you talking about clomid?

My husband has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship, and we are currently expecting our first baby together.

I must admit your confession about things being so bad you were thinking about leaving your partner has terrified me... I can totally see myself being in her shoes. My husband is crazy about his daughter. Our baby was very much planned and wanted, but I do fear that he will never love him as much as he does his daughter ☹️

Some babies are just much easier than others. My DS was a terrible sleeper and I wouldn't entertain the idea of CIO because it seems wrong to ignore the emotional needs of a child when they're asking for comfort, so I bedshared and breastfed on demand, as your fiancée is doing. She's trying to do the best for your son and she needs your support.
DH never tried to help overnight because he knew DS would melt down, BUT in the daytime he was a fantastic baby entertainment service - he'd get in the bath with him and play pirates, take him to the park, fly him around the house, wrestle with him etc. DS is 3.5yo now and he and DH are thick as thieves, the bond they have is amazing and if he wakes in the night then Daddy cuddles are all he needs.
I get that it's so hard right now but parenting IS hard, you just had it very easy with your daughter. Hang in there and do what you can to build a relationship with your DS.

Your son might feel from you that he's not 100% wanted. Keep up with him, it will get better. BTW, watch out that you don't end up with another surprise baby...

Thanks for all your comments everyone.

OP please don't leave your partner during the baby years. Everyone is sleep deprived and not themselves. Don't chuck away a good relationship because this is a tough time. See it through,. It won't last forever. (And if you do split up, you'd have the crying baby every other weekend without her help, remember!)

DS2 was like this and it was so hard. It also isn't normal, so don't be fobbed off. Something is distressing him. In DS's case he had severe pains from gastric reflux. Try changing the formula or any food he's being weaned on. Go back to the GP and asked for him to be checked for colic, reflux and any other common ailments that keep babies up all night.

You shouldn't compare your children they are all different. Just because one sleeps well it doesn't mean the second will. You sound a little as though you are blaming your wife for your child not sleeping. It is not her fault and don't make her do controlled crying with him either 10 minutes is a very long time to leave a baby to cry. It doesn't always work anyway and could make him worse and more clingy in the day. Try to be understanding and support your wife rather than crtitiise her and try not to make demands of her either.she will be exhausted too!
It also sounds as though you resent your baby and your wife will pick up on that. Try to forget about the not sleeping and focus on trying to enjoy some time with him getting to know him.
These early years are hard but they do not last forever.

She just has blinkers on and can’t see what I can see,

What exactly can you see.

I have to say, I can't help but judge you. Forever comparing your children is not healthy, and not fair on your children or your partner. You sound pretty selfish. Seems to be all about how you feel while your partner is bearing the brunt of being the one that the child clings to and constantly screams for. That can be extremely difficult to deal with.

The early years can be very hard with children .Comparing Babies is not a good idea really as they are all so different . Controlled Crying is very stressful and doesnt work for everyone .Maybe you are feeling a little left out? Like baby has take DP attention? Can you give him his bath ? Take him out in his pram at all? Maybe you will begin to bond better with him and these feelings will subside .Babies are all consuming at first but this stage will pass .Please dont leave DP ATM .Do you feel upset that she got pregnant without you being ready?

Sorry to hear you are struggling- the early years can be so very tough!

When my little boy was the same age as yours, he was very similar. Hardly slept and was generally bloody hard work! We really struggled despite him being very much wanted by me and my husband.

He is six now and life is so much easier -our relationship with him is like the one you have with your daughter. It started to get better from about 2. I remember us going on holiday when he was 3 and it felt like the first time I really felt relaxed with him. Your boy will soon be that bit older and you will be able to do more with him.

I do wonder though if a large part of the problem is that your partner took medication to conceive without your knowledge? To me, that is incredibly deceitful and would be a deal breaker. A baby is something both partners should agree to and it doesn't sound like you had a say in the matter. I think in time, this may be what ends the relationship.

I've been in a similar position with my two children (different fathers and an age gap like your two). I know I shouldn't compare them, but I do. It was harder to bond with my son because he was a more difficult baby, and I was less ready for a baby when I had him.

This particular age will probably be the most difficult as well. My son is nearly 3 now and although he isn't "easy", he doesn't cry through the night and cling to me all day anymore.

I agree that some bonding time could help, maybe take him out for a couple of hours at the weekend and give your partner a rest.

If she's trying to "gentle parent" she really won't want your suggestions about leaving him to cry.

Also, try to keep your comparisons in your head! My son's dad hated to hear them and thought I didn't love our child as much as the daughter I already had.

Get a big pair of over-ear hearing protectors, plus earplugs. When you're doing controlled crying, use them.

Here's the thing about babies crying. That's their ONLY way to get their needs met until they have better communication skills. The reason their cry is so horrifying and unbearable is because of millions of years of evolution telling you that even if you hate getting up for the tenth time that night you'd do anything to get that sound to stop.

Your baby's doing what it should. What it's evolved to do. What you need to do is take the edge off that awful sound. It can drive a person crazy. It's meant to. It's so effective that they think cats' meows are actually designed to mimic a newborn cry.