Have an “easy” baby - still struggling

[NewMum293]

Just hoping for some perspective or reminders to be positive.

My little girl is coming up 10.5 months and I’m just finding parenthood really hard at the moment. She is a lovely child, so happy and a real joy to be around - especially now she’s crawling and trying to walk. She can play on her own well most of the time, took to weaning really well and has always been a reasonably good sleeper, though not consistently.

Despite this, I’m just finding being a parent so hard at the moment. I think it’s the relentlessness of it - feeling there’s never a chance to switch off. I miss going to bed and not wondering how long I’ll get to sleep for. And not having to obsess about naps all the time.

My husband and I just bicker all the time now - we used to have so much fun together. It has completely put me off having another child as if I / we can’t manage with my daughter, I don’t know how we’d cope with a ”difficult” baby. I’m genuinely concerned for the future of our marriage for the first time ever.

I knew theoretically that having a baby meant making sacrifices and that my life would change, but I didn’t realise becoming a mum would change me so much.

I’ve been to the GP and was referred to online CBT to help address how I’m feeling, which is going ok so far but just am at a low ebb at the moment.

I feel like a failure for struggling with a relatively easy baby as I know so many parents have it so much harder.

I’m just finding parenting plus work plus study (I’m doing a distance learning course) a bit relentless at the moment and so any small thing that happens (eg my daughter wouldn’t settle last night between 9pm-12am and we couldn’t work out why) just feels overwhelming.

I’m not sure if the point of this post - just venting I guess. Thanks if you’ve read this far x

My baby has always been straightforward and I still struggled massively - you are not alone.

He's 18 months and it's much easier now although the house still isn't as clean as I'd prefer.

I had an “easy baby” too and struggled so much that I decided to stop at one. The truth is, there is no such thing as an easy baby. They are all hard work and change your life completely. Hang in there

Have you got any family who can babysit for you? Sounds like you need to start getting your lives back and have a break from being "mum and dad".

I mean it's on a forum so I don't know but doesn't sound so much of a cbt problem, more like perspective, having a need to get out there and find a bit of you again. Having a family is wonderful, but it's okay if you want to do other things, like work, hobbies, friends, plan a few things in to cheer u up short term and longer term decide what you want from it. I loved my mat leave but by like 9 ish months i was looking forward to going back to work, more structure to my day, using different parts of my brain, having independence and dare i say... a break! X

Thank you all for replying. It’s reassuring to know it’s not just me.

@LolaLollypop my parents are 40 mins away and have looked after my daughter on a couple of occasions so my husband and I could go out - we’ve just found it hard to find much time to do so recently, but need to make more of an effort.

@jackio2205 The online CBT was to try and improve the way I deal with challenging situations as found I was starting to have mini-meltdowns over minor things (eg daughter refusing a nap)

xx

Definitely not alone no, babyworld is hard!! I mean naps and the whole sleep thing are hard, not sure if you do any sleep training, but if not maybe look into it so you know where you're at with everything.
Yeah CBT will be great for that, it'll be great, but also with that look at basic self care (going to the toilet before ur busting!!, having a looongn bath, eating and drinking properly) and maybe look at getting her in nursery early to give u a little time once a week? X

She’s in nursery three days a week, which has helped a lot but I’m also back at work so I basically work, pick her up, bit of play, then bedtime which might go smoothly or might take ages, then I eat, then study for my distance learning course while hoping she doesn’t wake up, then bed - and repeat the next day. So not much scope for down time at the mo.

You are right about the self-care though, I need to do better there xx

Re sleep training, I’ve been reluctant as she does go through good patches so I know she can sleep well/self settle etc. So it feels like I’d be teaching her to do something she already knows how to do. I don’t know if I just need to be patient and she’ll become more consistent in her own time?

Could you do an extra few hours of nursery on your day off, even if it's only once a month or something? Anything will help, everyone needs a break.

I had an extremely high needs first baby and was utterly miserable for the first year, I struggled so much. Second was considerably easier and I still struggled! Like you it's the sheer relentlessness of small babies, plus the sleep deprivation. It's really, really hard.

I found it easier past the age of 1, and easier again from 2 when they can properly communicate and are just fun little people, sleep more and naps aren't so crucial.

It WILL get better. I'm glad we had a second because I know it will eventually be easier and I'll be glad they have each other and I'll have two awesome kids to hang out with. But there's absolutely no way we'd have a third- I'm looking forward to the baby days being behind me!

I could’ve written your post OP. What helped was scheduled “me time” and OH also having time to himself. Dividing chores fairly (not all your responsibility because you’re at home more) and also getting my iron levels checked. They were ridiculously low and the reason why I was tired, unable to get good sleep, anxious and constantly wondering why everyone else made it look so easy and I was exhausted by 4pm!

Re the sleep training. You gotta show her by being consistent. It’s great she can fall asleep in a variety of ways, but setting up sleep cues now and sticking to them will pay off loads in the long run.

Also sometimes babies just have off days. Don’t hang on to it, leave it and move forward. I bet you’re doing really well. Time to prioritise yourself a bit, good luck!

Also, sorry to double post, you do sound exhausted - were you breastfeeding? When you wean off the boob some women can have a hormone crash that can make them feel overwhelmed and depressed- wonder if that’s linked to your feeling that prompted the cbt? It’s amazing that you did that so proactively.

Thank you all - I was expecting to be told I’m lucky and to stop moaning. I really appreciate your kindness and understanding.

@littlejalapeno yes, I used to EBF my daughter and have been slowly introducing formula, as well as solids, since six months. Now she feeds max once a day (a night feed if she wakes up) or, if my husband is on night duty, I’ll pump before bed just to keep my supply from drying up completely. I hadn’t considered that that might be contributing to my low mood - thank you for flagging xx

That's good you have some family around to help OP. I definitely suggest getting some fun things back in the diary again, either just for you or with your husband. I think we are under so much pressure to be perfect parents we actually forget who we were beforehand! Your little one is old enough now not to need mummy or daddy 24/7. When my DD was old enough I treated myself to a lovely spa day! Done me the world of good.

Ground hog day is hard! Can you do nursery when it’s your day off? Otherwise one day off for you & one for your partner at weekends. When I’m finding it too much, we split the weekend into four parts, take two parts each then all together from about 5pm.

Thank you all. I’m definitely going to try and find more time for myself.

Also @littlejalapeno I started sleeping training last night - took 40 mins but she went to sleep on her own. Tonight took 5 minutes! I can’t believe it x

Working and parenting have never been compatible or a good idea unless you're one of those super humans who thieve on 4h of sleep, 2h daily commute and zero disposable income.

@NewMum293 I’m so pleased to hear that! Soon you’ll feel like a new woman 😁

I found it really tough when we weaned too. He’s now on formula at 14 months, but still wants the boob for comfort and just to get my undivided attention sometimes 😂 I refuse it in the bight though, it was hard and I’ve been a bit more lenient when he’s ill, but he doesn’t actually want or need it, it’s the habit- when he’s with his dad he doesn’t even cry for it. He now sleeps 7.30-6am unless teething or poorly, in which case we play it by ear as to whether he comes in for a cuddle with us both, or if we take turns co sleeping til he’s better. Nobody tells you how hard it is or about the sleep deprivation, but Boone tells you how wonderful it is either. I feel like it’s getting easier and I’m a better mum the more sleep I get. I know it will get better for you to, it’s just hard when attachment parenting is all the rage. You’re so used to letting the baby tell you when they need to feed you kinda forget you must set schedules for sleep and weaning and teach them how to stick to it. It’s just the next phase. Good luck @NewMum293 I’m rooting for you x

Could the distance learning go on hold for a year perhaps? Working and looking after a baby is challenging enough! I was part way through an OU degree when I had my youngest and there's no way I have time at the moment. Sounds like you have a bit too much on.

It’s just really hard OP, parenting.

I’ve got a 3 year old and between DS and work, it’s still Groundhog Day here- though I’m a single parent so that exacerbated the monotony.

All I can say is make the time for yourself. You have a husband - make sure he’s doing his part. Take advantage of that supportive family. And remember it’s still early days really- 10 months is still v little, and still v early in your parenting journey...

It took me years to truly understand the finality of having children. I still don’t think I have! Even if you have a full time nanny while being a SAHM, the buck stops with the mother for the early years (in most cases) and THAT’S what’s relentless. It’s ultimately always on you. You can’t escape it.

You don’t go back to being carefree for a good many years, basically until your children are old enough to be trusted alone/with family or friends. It begins with snippets of time here and there, then becomes weekends and then holidays and then, I’m told, they leave home and you feel bereft. I’m about half way there and I can actually believe that.

It’s a new reality for new parents. You can’t expect your old life back. You make adjustments for this new person and when you build in space and time for you, for you both as a couple, it falls into place. It’s draining and exhausting but a lot of the mental strain lifts.

Hang in there. Don’t martyr yourself at the altar of your child. She sure as hell won’t appreciate it when she’s older

Just to add another voice to the crowd, I was in exactly the same place as you 3 years ago. I really mourned the loss of the identity I'd had before my first daughter arrived, it felt so relentless. She wasn't a difficult baby either, which made me feel worse because what did I really have to complain about?

Over time I did get aspects of my old life back - I was able to return to exercise classes, hobbies etc and that helped me feel more like me again. It will never be quite the same as pre children but I feel ok about it, and we did have a another child.

DD2 is now asleep next to me in the pram - I won't lie, I am finding the loss of personal time tough again, but I know this time that it's not forever, I will get my life back again, and that's helping me. Keep going OP x