Breastfeeding #2 when "failed" with #1

[MotherAughra]

Morning,

as the title says really, I really wanted to breastfeed DD,
I managed 3 days but then when my milk came in my boobs got so big I couldn't see, DD struggled to latch, she cried loads, I cried, DH cried. It was miserable.

I think the fact I "failed" contributed to my PND (I only use failed, as that's how I saw it, I'm in no way suggesting that anyone choosing not to or who struggled to has failed in anyway)

I've just found out I'm expecting #2 but I still really want to try again,

Anyone successfully done it that could share tips? How did you stop #1 feeling left out? (DMs reasoning for not BF DB, I came early so couldn't and she decided it wasn't fair to then feed him)

Every baby is different. I had an incredibly traumatic time with #1. She had some latch issues and was born early ish so little interest in feeding. I got mastitis twice, then thrush, which GP and bf counsellor refused to diagnose. All the skin peeled off my nipples and areolas due to untreated thrush and I still have scars. I fed her for 6 weeks and then expressed a bit for another 4, but I was such a bleeding mess that there was no way I could have gotten her back on the breast. Midwives generally unsupportive and just kept shoving formula at me.

I felt very much like you do about #2. I was determined to give it a go though. I expressed colostrum antenatally so that I would has supply to feed in the early days in case I had another early baby who had no appetite. #2 was born, popped out knowing how to latch and with an appetite. I still have him top ups with the expressed colostrum with a syringe every day til it was used up, plus feeding from the breast. I did get thrush again but I took myself to the GP and demanded treatment (because I was a second time mum, they actually listened and didn’t fob me off this time).

Breastfeeding was truly a breeze second time around. He was a different baby, but I also was more prepared and confident. I bf him for 15 months, never even needed to offer him a bottle, not even with expressed milk. It couldn’t have been more different than the first time.

What helped was figuring out where there were problems the first time and coming up with solutions while I was still pregnant so that I could deal with things before they got to a point where I was uncomfortable or ill.

Also never even occurred to be to think of #1 being left out. They both got fed. Feeding takes time. If anything, bottle feeding is much more of a faff and would have meant I had less time to focus on #1. It helps that she was 5 though, so independent enough to entertain herself or get herself a snack.

OP, I think you need to be relaxed about it, and really change your mindset. Please don’t use words like “failure” - you’re setting yourself up for stress and disappointment if it doesn’t work out.
You saw with your first baby that it’s perfectly possible to raise a happy healthy child on formula milk. So there is no pressure - you will either manage to breast feed baby 2, or you will bottle feed. Either is fine! Take the pressure off yourself and just see how it goes.
So many women get distressed and feel a failure if breast feeding doesn’t work out, but it honestly doesn’t matter one bit. It doesn’t make you any less of a mother, and once your child is weaned nobody (including the child) gives a shit about it ever again!
Make sure your GP and HV are aware of your PND history so they can be extra supportive. Best wishes.

Would you actually have minded if your DB had been breastfed?

Give it a go; it might be different this time, it might not. You do your best by each kid (and yourself) as it happens; don't worry about being "fair".

I guess there will be some slight awkwardness because you're making the opposite decision to your mother - so effectively saying "I think you were wrong". But it's not the same decision - there were probably all sorts of other things influencing how she felt - breastfeeding might have been less popular back then, for instance.

Thanks for everyone's posts, I think my DM has just got in to my head, making me think DD might feel left out.
I wouldn't want to cause any more unsettlement for her.

I obviously don't have an issue wether or not DB had been but I guess to a 2 nearly 3 year old it could still see like the new baby is getting more cuddles.

DD is very clingy to me atm so this may be amplifying the issue in my head

@Babdoc thank you, yes I have had a very honest conversation with my midwife and am scheduled to regularly see my gp regarding my MH, as I have been doing since we decided to TTC preemptively.
I only use the word failure because as I've come out the other side I realise that's how I saw it, incorrectly.
The midwife asked if there was any triggers and I realise that not establishing BF was potentially one for me.

DH is very good at regularly reminding me there's no pressure either way

I had terrible problems with dd ( milk protein allergy, tongue for, poor supply) and the only reason I managed it was an independent midwife who came every day for 20 days. Totally amazing and actually quite good value. With ds I was worried but he came out rooting and latched On immediately. He was text book, fed every 4 hours, burped and slept. If I’d have had him first I would have been insufferable

Hi i have 4 boys here i just had #4 im trying to breastfeed him other 3 only lasted 3 months but this one seems more like he wants to i do both bottle top up on soy formula he’s lactose like me but just recently hes cracked my nipple and now im getting almost like acne on around the nipples im so confused never had this before breastfeeding is definitely a joy and a challenge all in one lol 😝