4 year old ds having accidents & tantrums mostly at nursery.

[Lmbunny]

Hi, my 4yr old ds, who has been out of nappies since 3 has recently started nursery and keeps having accidents. Almost every day he comes home having been changed at least once, one day with 3 accidents. (Nursery is only 3 hours) sometimes he gets distracted, too engrossed in playing, which I could understand, but now he will stand there wiggling around , we will remind him constantly to go to toilet if he needs but he will say I don't need ,next thing he's peed himself again.

Today I was called not even an hour after drop off as he had peed but refused to let anyone change his clothes, and was screaming, kicking etc. At staff.
We had trouble trying to get him settled into nursery at first, where he seemed to just shut off ,refusing to do as he is told etc. But we worked through it, with help from the staff too of course, and he seemed to make good progress.

However now most days he cries / tells me he doesn't want to go he just wants to stay home, I calmly explain he is going and he always has fun (after the initial drop off crying)

Can anyone suggest how we can help him please.
He doesn't seem bothered about being in wet clothes or embarrassed by it at all .
And the hitting/ tantrums seem to be worse again.
I hate to see my wee man like this it breaks my heart as he is such a sweet boy really, can be very helpful and loving . I just don't know what to do anymore..
please wise ppl of mumsnet bestow your knowledge on me. 🙂

Sorry for the long post and thank you for reading x

Anyone?

What do the staff who work with him say?
It sounds really tricky for both of you ☹️

It seems to me as if he is trying to regain I’m some control in a situation where he feels out of control; generally children only tantrum when they have lost control.
It might be worth asking if you can do some stay and play sessions with him at nursery so you can see what he’s like there and he can see that you are a part of his new world

Id focus on how he is feeling emotionally and just pop a pull up on him for nursery so if he doesn’t make it to the toilet it’s not a big deal; quickly changed and he can carry on playing - it won’t be forever!

Sorry to hear that @Lmbunny, it must be distressing for him and you

Is there anything about the nursery toilet that he doesn't like? Could a member of staff take him regularly (even before the signs that he needs a wee!) just to get him used to it? My DS1 refused to go at (school) nursery because he didn't like the cubicle door, randomly, leading to many an emergency wee on the trip home...

I'm sure the staff will have seen it all before and have some suggestions! Perhaps it's all a bit overwhelming for him if he's only just started there - lots of new things to do, people to play with, routines to learn etc?

Mmm tricky one.

3 accidents in one 3 hour session does seem a lot.

What do the staff say? Do they see signs of him needing to go and remind him? Is it a school nursery? How many kids?

I teach nursery and whilst accidents are by no means uncommon, I’d really think there was something else going on here and i’d be wanting to chat it through with you and DS to find a way forward.

Does he go completely independently at home? ie no promoting, no helping at all from you. Does he definitely know where the toilets are??

Hi everyone. Thank you for your replies. ( I've only seen them now)

Yes the staff are really great with him. He likes the teachers and has a favourite, who helps ds to calm down when upset, mostly at drop offs, and prompts him to go to the loo if he looks like he needs.

I don't think it's the toilet in particular, he told me they are cool because they are tiny .. he used to go unprompted at home and when 1st starting nursery, the odd accident but it seems to be getting worse, not as bad at home but still if told to go he will say he doesn't need, then will have accident.

I think it's mostly separation anxiety as he is with me basically all the time.. so I know he must be feeling overwhelmed with such big changes for him.

He does enjoy stay and play days so I think I will see if I could join him a bit more when I can.

I didn't want to put nappy/ pull up on in case ds got a bit to used to it again, Dh suggested that too.. if we do though, is there anyone who has done similar with a good outcome?

Any advice welcome
Thank you