Teaching baby to self soothe

[Mamabear12]

How do you actually teach them to self sooth? All my dc when I put them down tired and sleepy would just cry. My first I did every trick in the book to help her to sleep - rocking, feeding, patting etc until she learned eventually at 6 months. My second took the dummy and that was it (thank goodness because they were 20 months apart and I didn’t have time to spend ages helping him to bed). My third is 8 weeks and I’ve been doing all the tricks to help her to sleep. But lately she wakes after me putting her down and it’s now taking forever to get her to actually stay asleep. And during the day not working at all. The last couple times after doing all the tricks and her still waking (she is very much tired and yawning and fussing etc) I left her to cry a bit as I needed a break. I decided to let her be for ten minutes to see what happened and she would cry on and off ( not the hysterical cry, but the one you know they just might settle) and she actually fell asleep! I hate hearing her cry, but i find it impossible otherwise. I can’t keep spending an hour day and night rocking, patting her etc to sleep. As I’m exhausted, have two other kids and a dog to also deal with.

Any tips? Or do I keep letting her cry a little as she figures out ways to settle? She is the type who cries easily, so it’s not like she will ever just lie there staring like some babies do.

Cosleep and use a sling for naps. Sorry that’s all I have. Slings for nap are great for second and third children as they can nap where ever you are.

I have six month old twins, one self settles and one doesn’t. I’ve done nothing different.
Luck of the draw sadly.

Oli the owls white noise helps at night.

Co sleeping is not the answer it just delays the work and when you no longer want her in your bed anymore you'll have a bigger fight on your hands!!

8 weeks is still quite young to be sleep training but our LO was always put down awake and if she was unsettled I would sit with my hand resting on her chest. She is now 10 mths and had two naps (30 mins) and sleeps 7pm- 8am. She self soothes for the most part but I do still occasionally have to pop her dummy in over night if teething. She also goes into her Tavel cot for her nap and I usually stay in the room until she's asleep but she goes off on her own.
I think the trick is establishing a routine, it's hard to start with but within two weeks it should be working x

The poor thing is 8 weeks old. Babies have a massive instinct to be next to their mothers, they evolved that way for their own survival and find it distressing to be separated especially because they are so vulnerable.
I co sleep with my 4 month old, sometimes she will drift off enough into a deep sleep in the day that I can quickly get a shower etc but mostly I stay with her so she can get a decent sleep or put her in the sling.

I don't understand modern societies obsession with babies "self soothing". There is no such thing ... it's actually just learning not to bother to cry because no one will come.

I co slept with her the first 6 weeks and I do occasionally for her naps. But lately, it is not working for her naps either I’m afraid! Otherwise I would continue. Instead of her sleeping beside me like she used to, she now wants to be held and I’m exhausted: I can’t hold her all day. Nor can I use a sling all day. I put her in a sling a lot, but that isn’t the answer really and again I am tired! I can’t sit in the sling (she wakes). So am I expected to stand all day long and not great sleep at night either?! Also, my older dd wants to sleep in my bed too, which is why I put the baby in the other room. And anyway, we would have the same problem if she conslept; as I don’t get quality sleep that way...

I know a lot of people will say to wear her all day, co sleep etc. But I’m looking for tips about self soothing. Maybe she is too young? But then what age is the right age to start?

My baby puts himself to sleep and I tend to all of his needs, and respond to him when he cries. It doesn’t have to be either he cries all night OR he’s in my bed.
Much of it is probably luck and baby’s personality although we’ve always put him down awake once he got past the fourth trimester and separated feeding from sleeping.
He hates being in our bed. Thank god.

It's sounds really tough OP but you're expecting too much from a small baby. I think there are some that learn how to do it but the themselves but the vast majority don't until they are either older or sleep trained. Is there anyone who can help out so you can have a rest?

Also, my older dd wants to sleep in my bed too, which is why I put the baby in the other room.
You need to prioritise your baby here as they are most vulnerable, a 2mo baby should be in the room with you.

Some babies are happy to be left to go to sleep and some just aren't. Some parents may fool themselves that they've somehow 'done the right thing' but it's the luck of the draw and not something you can teach them.

I'm sure as this is your third you're well aware, but baby is in the 4th trimester, you are her comfort. All she knows and she wants to be with you. Safe sleep guidance is that they're in with you until at least 6 months - our NICU nurse told us that your breathing regulates theirs.

My second is 14 months, we co-slept and fed on demand until fairly recently. My first is nicely settled in his room though but we did his stories and cuddles on our bed before baby's bedtime.

Only now is littlest starting to self settle - with the aid of white noise and a bit of jiggling/ rocking.

Have a look at Sarah Ockwell Smith maybe? Her gentle sleep book is amazing - managed my expectations so I could get my head around what is developmentally normal.

Things that help us are a cool room, snuggly grobag, Ewan the dream sheep or a YouTube white noise track. He won't take any comforters or a dummy

Sorry if that's a bit all stuff you know - mine is teething at the moment and I'd do anything for a decent block of sleep or a nap longer than 20 minutes so I do understand.

it's actually just learning not to bother to cry because no one will come.

This is exactly what I came on to say.

There is no such thing as self soothing. This happens a lot with babies who have been neglected and taken to into care. They have to be "taught" to cry again.

This happens a lot with babies who have been neglected and taken to into care.

Yeah, babies who are neglected, not babies who are loved and supported and cherished and sometimes left to grizzle for 10 minutes. The research you're referencing (i assume) was based on a study of children in Romanian orphanages who were left without comfort for literally months. Not 10 minutes.

I’d say what you’re doing is fine, OP. You have 2 other children and 10 mins isn’t really that long, especially when the baby falls asleep by the end of it! Slings are great for in the day but at night you need to sleep too.

The research you're referencing (i assume) was based on a study of children in Romanian orphanages who were left without comfort for literally months.

No children can be neglected in this country too you do realise that right?
Self soothing takes longer than 10 minutes in most cases.

Self soothing takes longer than 10 minutes in most cases.

In which case your point doesnt apply to OP, who stated she's only leaving the baby for 10 minutes.

“ Co sleeping is not the answer it just delays the work and when you no longer want her in your bed anymore you'll have a bigger fight on your hands!! ”

This is utter bollocks, but never mind. I do think you are expecting quite a lot of an 8wo, and so much is driven by them as individuals.

OP your baby is only 8 weeks old and sleeps in a different room from you at night? you should be sleeping in the same room as them until at least 6 months.
Also, I know personally I would be utterly exhausted if I had to get up out of bed and try to settle my baby back to sleep every time she stirred. Christ, co sleeping is the only way I can get a half decent sleep. Babies wake very often. You really are expecting way too much of a baby, let alone one so so young.

Hi OP,

Thought I would offer an actual suggestion for you :)

Try reading blissful baby expert by Lisa Clegg. She offers a range of self soothing techniques for those who don’t want to let baby cry, through to those happy to try the cry it out method. You don’t have to leave a baby to cry until they fall asleep. However, Lisa’s advice works on different methods such as, leave the room for X minutes and return every X minutes. Baby knows mama always comes back and eventually learns to settle without being rocked etc. Without simply crying the self to sleep! She also offers a membership service where she can ring you if you need any help but it can be £££. The book is £9.99 on iTunes I think but, she also gives free advice on her instagram blissfulbabyexpert1 including recommending routines for your babys age and also does the occasional Q&A.

Getting babies self soothing isn’t for everyone. But no baby is the same and no parent is the same and no one needs to be judged. There’s no right or wrong imo.

Good luck :)

Side note: I have used several of her tips on my 16 wo and she now sleeps 10-7. I haven’t started trying to get her to self soothe yet because she’s full of cold so I’ve been letting her spend as much time as she needs attached to me (haven’t actually slept in 24 hours lol) but once she’s back to full health I’m going to give it a go!

In which case your point doesnt apply to OP, who stated she's only leaving the baby for 10 minutes

She is looking for opinions on self soothing. I'm presuming that means she is considering leaving the baby for longer than 10 mins at a time because what she's doing already isn't working for her. I am allowed an opinion ReallyLilyReally. Again, self soothing if just a baby realising there's no point in crying because no one will pick you up. I didn't say there was anything wrong with that, just pointed out the FACT that this is the same thing that happens to neglected babies. They don't have a different mindset because they have a nice house, it just happens faster and the rest of their lives are shit aswell.

Geez. Leaving a baby ten minutes is hardly neglect!! We saw the GP today for her vaccinations and check up and was told she is perfectly happy, healthy and content! There were student doctors there as well and they marvelled about how happy she was (she isn’t always like this!!). I also read about the babies in the orphanage who give up because no one comes, how sad! But if you don’t try and leave them a bit you won’t know if they can settle. And when they cry it’s not the full on crying, it’s the type that sounds like they might settle. This is how my daughter learned to sleep through at 6 months. She was waking at 5am for feeds and one day I thought what if I wait a few minutes to see if she settles. After 5 mins she settled and after three days she slept through happily with no waking. Currently my baby isn’t quite ready always to settle so I go to her if she starts to cry like she is upset. There is a difference.

And to the most recent poster, thank you. I will check her ouT!

I put both of mine down in their Moses baskets awake from the first day home and put in the dummy. I sat beside them on the sofa to soothe them and pop back in the dummy until they drifted off. Did the same during the night with the next to me crib.I might have been just lucky as they were both excellent sleepers .

Hi we tried little ones. Did a mix of feeding to sleep and controlled crying. took a while but lo now self settles, as long as he's not teething, regression, growth spurt, pain...