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Schoolyard dynamics

7 replies

culturalwasteland · 03/02/2020 22:09

Hello there. Just looking for some thoughts please and any suggestions welcome. My lovely 11 (almost 12) year old ds1 was in tears today as he said he has no friends. He said everyone has their group at school and he is often not involved with any of them. He has in the last year aligned himself a lot with the 'alpha male' in the class and I think that is part of the issue. This child turns on him from time to time and excludes him. My son is an extremely bright, sporty, socially competent and mature child and has over the years been a leader in the class. He is massively competitive and this may also be causing him some difficulties and tbh he can behave badly if he loses (though I think he saves the worst of this for us) . He puts huge pressure on himself to achieve and is very critical of himself when he, as he sees it 'fails'. His teachers have never had a bad word to say about him and I have always thought of him as a well adjusted, confident child who had a decent circle of friends. There is no doubt that he is going through puberty at the moment and he has changed a lot over the last year becoming much more emotional and moody and challenging tbh. I'm just concerned about the day to day reality of him being in the playground and not having anyone to play with on two or three of the five days at the moment. Has anyone any ideas how best to advise him? I have talked to him at length today and I think he does feel better after it but was wondering if there are any suggestions I could give him. Bit heartbroken for him. Sorry for long post.

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culturalwasteland · 03/02/2020 22:12

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Schoolyard dynamics1
Today 22:09culturalwasteland

Hello there. Just looking for some thoughts please and any suggestions welcome. My lovely 11 (almost 12) year old ds1 was in tears today as he said he has no friends. He said everyone has their group at school and he is often not involved with any of them. He has in the last year aligned himself a lot with the 'alpha male' in the class and I think that is part of the issue. This child turns on him from time to time and excludes him. My son is an extremely bright, sporty, socially competent and mature child and has over the years been a leader in the class. He is massively competitive and this may also be causing him some difficulties and tbh he can behave badly if he loses (though I think he saves the worst of this for us) . He puts huge pressure on himself to achieve and is very critical of himself when he, as he sees it 'fails'. His teachers have never had a bad word to say about him and I have always thought of him as a well adjusted, confident child who had a decent circle of friends. There is no doubt that he is going through puberty at the moment and he has changed a lot over the last year becoming much more emotional and moody and challenging tbh. I'm just concerned about the day to day reality of him being in the playground and not having anyone to play with on two or three of the five days at the moment. Has anyone any ideas how best to advise him? I have talked to him at length today and I think he does feel better after it but was wondering if there are any suggestions I could give him. Bit heartbroken for him. Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
doritosdip · 03/02/2020 22:26

Does the school run lunchtime clubs? The quickest solution is to join some so there's new friendships that can be made as well as something to do.

From an outsider point of view, the problem is his friendship with the other alpha male. If your son finds other friends and is therefore "less threatening" to this child then things will probably improve. However that means your son is going to have to accept and let this child be the "leader of the pack" which might not come naturally if he's used to being considered a leader.

theswordthatdangles · 04/02/2020 07:00

Is he at secondary school? Ime there is no 'playtime' as such. Boys tend to find sporting outlets, girls mooch round and there are lunchtime clubs that can be attended if the pupil wishes.

If he is used to being a leader, the change from big fish in a little pond to little fish in a big pond can be a huge culture shock. Plus butting heads with someone else who is used to being leader and equally doesn't want to give it up is a challenge which he will have to learn to negotiate. I agree with pp about stepping back from the 'alpha male' groups.

I would suggest he looks to lunchtime clubs and tries out those which hold even half an interest, even if it's something a bit more academic rather than sporting so he learns to work as a team member rather than be competitive. I've found that especially in team games, there is often an element of competition as to who can score the most points/be the fastest/jump the highest. In something which is less about the results of the individual but rather about the results of the project, your son may find it easier to learn how to compete without having to be number 1

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RitaTheBeater · 04/02/2020 07:08

If he's at secondary he needs to branch out, talk to different kids that he didn't know before and do different act at lunchtime and after school.

If he's at primary he's probably ready to move on. He just needs to get through it now perhaps with the friends he was with pre-alpha of with the girls. They are all just sick of each other by now.

You can help by encouraging his to do something new and interestoutside of school. Speed skating, rock climbing, archery.

Original poster
culturalwasteland · 04/02/2020 07:20

Hi all thanks for those helpful replies. We are in Ireland so he is still in primary school and in fact still has a another full year and a half to go. He will be 13 and a half when he goes to secondary school as we start later here and most are 13. I have talked to him about how different secondary school will be but as he rightly says he still has a long road ahead of him yet. But I do think disaligning himself from this child is the answer for him and returning to other friendships which he certainly did have in the past and has left behind. He is very involved in afterschool and has plenty of interests. It's just those half hour lunchtimes at school can be very long when you are on your own. However there are things he can do as you say. No lunchtime clubs unfortunately.

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theswordthatdangles · 04/02/2020 16:27

Thanks for clarifying. Given your son has another couple of years to go, I would consider extra curricular activities to broaden his peer group. Maybe something like scouting, drama or dance if he is into that kind of thing as well as sporting groups. It might help round him out and develop a sense of who he is as an individual rather than vying to be top of the peer pile.

RitaTheBeater · 04/02/2020 19:17

I'd talk to him about the old friendship group then. Children are usually pretty elastic with their groups.
You could perhaps enable him to see some of these kids out of school. Offer to drop them off at bowling or something. I did a similar thing in half term as my 13 year old hadn't made any of her own plans and it's high school so I can't do it!

So I told her I had to go to Costco so could drop her and three friends off at the roller rink which launched her into actually making plans and they ended up having a good time.

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