Smoking Geandparents

[TryTryTryAgain95]

Hi all,

I’m in a bit of a sticky situation and really needed some friendly advice,

I’ve recently gone back to work 3 days a week and we’re really lucky that three sets of grandparents can look after my son on those days. On one of the days, my 6 month old son goes to my mums and her partner.

My mum has smoked for 40 years and now has COPD and won’t quit. This is completely her choice and I respect that. She has been smoking outside when my son comes over but as she smokes in the house when he isn’t there he and all his things come back smelling strongly of smoke. Now today as he has asthma he has woken with a chest cough.

I don’t know how to approach this subject with my mum. I’m so incredibly grateful for her having him whilst I work and I don’t ever want to come across as ungrateful but as it’s affecting his health I don’t know what to do my mum and her partner are incredible grandparents to my little boy.

Please help!

I think you should speak to her honestly and let her know your concerns in a kind way. It is difficult - she's smoking outside when she has him over but that won't make a difference if she smokes inside the rest of the time and it's getting into the furniture/carpets. It may come down to not using their house for childcare if it's affecting your son's health. Could/would she babysit at your house?

If he has asthma he can't really be spending the day in that house. Can she care for him at yours?

It's not okay and can cause SIDS. The health of your baby should be more important than her babysitting. I'd just pay for a babysitter or whatever for the one day. You shouldn't gamble with your childs health.

It would be a deal breaker for me. My mum was a very heavy smoker and died a slow, horrible death from emphysema.

She either needs to watch him at your house, or not at all.

Why would you put your son's health at risk for the sake of saving a bit of money on paid childcare?

Just need to clarify it’s nothing to do with free childcare, I’m happy to pay and do pay my family to have him. It’s actually more I don’t want to upset her or make her feel un-needed

Deal breaker for me as well I'm afraid.
We had this problem with my Mil as well. She only smokes at her back door, but honestly the smell from her just permeates everything in the house. As soon as you open her front door the smell hits you. When we visit we have to change our clothes as soon as we get back as they just stink of smoke. That's without even being in the same room as her smoking! It's scary how much it clings to everything.
A 6 month old shouldn't be in that environment. Health is everything. I'm sorry.

My toddler has never spent more than a few hours at his grandma's for that reason. She doesn't smoke while he's there but she does the rest of the time. Everything needs washing once we've got home. I hate even exposing him to it for that amount of time.

@TryTryTryAgain95 if she's not willing to put your sons health above her own addiction I'd not worry too much about her feelings

Exactly what giveher said, she can educate herself on how her choice could easily kill your son and is already damaging his tiny body, the deadly chemicals will be on his clothes, skin and lungs just from being in the stinking house and held by clothes contaminated with it. Third hand smoke still kills, your child comes before someone else’s feelings.

It’s actually more I don’t want to upset her or make her feel un-needed

So you tell her that being at her house aggravates your son's asthma, so she has to look after him at your house. I feel so strongly about smoking that I would find something like this very easy to say.

I also agree with GiveHerHellFromUs.

Your child's health comes before your mothers need to smoke.

I had to have a very blunt conversation with my mother over the same issue. Told her she couldn't smoke around my child and she couldn't smoke whilst she stayed at my house. WW3 ensued, but I wasn't prepared to back down on that particular issue.

Brace yourself and prepare for it to be brutal, but it's necessary in order to put your child's health first. Good luck.

Your baby cannot be in that house. My MiL smokes in her house and so we never spend much time there and dd never goes in the carpet or furniture.

Even without asthma, it's not worth the risk. If she's upset to be told you don't want your child to suffer the horrendous health problems she has, or worse, she can't possibly be the wonderful grandparent you think.

Be honest, and protect your baby please.

Second hand smoke is a known cause of SIDS. By not upsetting your mother, you could actually end up with a dead baby. How is this even something you hesitate about?