To accept he’s not going to be the dad I thought

[VapeVamp12]

I have an 8 week old son (my first baby) and I’ve been married 18 months, together 6 years in total.

Baby was very much planned and talked about, we were both very excited and in my mind I thought we’d both look after the baby together.

As it stands my husband hasn’t done one night feed, moans about how tired he is, usually holds the baby for about 5 minutes a day before saying “I think he wants his mum”. He is the first to tell people how tired WE are and how busy WE are and it is starting to slowly make me not like him.

A friend mentioned he could have PND but he’s actually already on citalopram for depression from years ago. Are there other symptoms which differentiate it from depression? Thing is his social life has actually picked up since I gave birth. He hardly ever used to go out and now he goes out twice a week either to the pub with a friend or two or to his older sons flat to play video games / get take out.

I have tried talking to him and he says he’ll do more (the next day he took the baby downstairs in the morning to let me sleep a bit but I had to get up because the baby wouldn’t stop crying).

I don’t know if I’m reacting like this because I’m just tired but I feel like I’d be better as a single mum with no expectations because my husband is currently disappointing me every day.

Does anyone have any advice? Thanks

I just think it takes some men a while, 8 weeks is still quite early days so give him time. Working out how to co-parent is tricky stuff! My baby was born in July and it wasn’t until DH had 2 weeks off over Christmas that he appreciated how much I actually do and he has really stepped up since. I definitely remember thinking that being a single mum would have been easier. So my advice is... hang in there! And congratulations on your baby 🥰

Keep expecting more from him and asking him to do more. Go out and leave him with the baby so he HAS to cope.

Either he will step up or he will not but you won’t know unless you push him.

How was he when his older son was little, do you know?

No, don’t give in to lower expectations. He is this baby’s father, and he needs to spend time with him and learn how to soothe him, and generally look after him.

It’s your first baby too, and I don’t suppose you magically knew how to soothe him, either, but you’re not passing the buck, you’re figuring it out.

It’s a crappy period, in my experience — DH had just been made redundant out of the blue when DS was born, and had to accept a job in another city a long commute away when he had planned to be on paternity leave, so wasn’t around much, but he was figuring stuff out alongside me when he was there.

Best wishes, and congratulations. Don’t capitulate. He won’t learn how to be a father without taking time over it. This is his job now.

It sounds like he's just generally not trying, which is not the same as trying but failing. At least with the latter you can learn together and things will improve.. but it sounds like he's almost "checked out" when you need him most!

I'd have a big heart to heart and be honest with him. Tell him he's not there for you emotionally or practically right now. I'd find it hard to like him or respect him for passing the buck at such a critical and vulnerable time tbh. I'd see if he steps up, but if he doesn't.. I'd seriously consider your options here. Housing, finances, etc because in my experience, friends who've ditched their useless husbands often find it easier to be able to focus on their children without a dead weight partner pulling them down. Hope for the best but plan for the worse and all that.

Some men take ages to bond. It's not like us. Men do not have the same connections with the baby as we do. He should be doing more to help YOU though.
My DH was good with our first-born but lost interest with our second- he just slept in the spare room and left it all to me.
He has bonded with her now though- I saw a big improvement at 16 months and they have their own little connection now.
Try having an honest conversation with him- is he scared? Some men are actually scared to hold a human being so small,let alone feed one. Encourage him to do stuff when you're around and praise him. Leave him for half an hour while you have a bath. It's so important that you get your little breaks away from the baby. Baths were my solace at this age.
If he won't rise to the occasion, could you mention something to his mum or sister? Maybe they could give him a gentle nudge?

You say he visits his ‘older son’s flat’ so this isn’t his first child. How was he with his son as a baby, do you know?

Agree with pp some men do take much longer to bond. He just needs to spend time with the baby little and often and it'll come. At 8 weeks your son mostly just does want his mum, as he gets older there's so much more dads can do.

Sounds like he's not even trying my dh does a night feed one night and I do the next night we've done it for all three kids it's really not that hard for a man to bloody do it. He still gets up in the morning for work or to wake up with the other two and I do the same, he might be feeling a bit down due to his depression but he shouldn't use it as an excuse to do nothing. I'd talk to him about it and if he's still not going to help I'd be off

In the reverse situation, would he calmly shrug his shoulders and accept that you weren't going to be the mum he thought you would be? Would anyone in your whole circle of acquaintance accept that you were busy building up your social life when you had a small baby?

No, thought not.

Parenting isn't about how you feel- else a lot of small babies would die neglected. It's about what you do. He is a parent, so he does the job.