I have a young toddler and she's my only child. I love her to pieces and she brings me so much happiness, but I do find myself constantly feeling like it's just really bloody hard. And I don't know if other mums feel this way or if it's just me?
It's hard in the sense that I feel it's such a juggle between work and home life. Every day is just a relentless scurry of trying to fit too much into too little time. I feel guilty for working and leaving her. I worry about what she's up to when I'm not there, what I'm missing and what if she cries and there's no one there who knows exactly what she wants the way I do.
I worry about whether she even cares about me A LOT- she's so independent and has never been clingy or has any separation anxiety. Sometimes she doesn't seem that happy to see me at all when I pick her up after work. I feel like I could leave and never come back and she probably wouldn't be bothered.
I sometimes find it difficult to fully enjoy it because she never shows me any affection at all. It would be so much more rewarding if she chose me over any randomer, or if she cuddled with me or even looked happy to see me. I sometimes feel as though I'm just in a rut and doing all the things I need to like making meals, planning lunches, cleaning and washing, bathing changing nappies etc, and not getting anything back. I sometimes feel jealous of other mums who's kids run for them and look for them if they're hurt or sad as my dd doesn't ever do that. I think sometimes if I had another one what could i do differently to make sure they love me more.
I feel guilty for even thinking such thoughts and wonder why I must be the only one feeling like it's so hard. I spoke to my husband but he reassured me she's just her own person and will come round but she's just so busy exploring and is happy, but it doesn't seem to be much consolation. I went through a very hard time with her delivery and the months afterwards and wonder if that has made me still feel a bit disconnected from her as I just felt shellshocked after.
I hope I'm giving her the best she deserves and sometimes feel I could be more present with her. Don't know if I'm making much sense, but would just be nice to know if anyone else finds these early years tough for these kind of reasons