Child care

[Dave2018]

I'd appreciate some advice from parents who are a little further down the line than me following a divorce. My issues is that one of my kids is now picking and choosing where he wants to live - mostly with his grandma where my ex lives when she is not at he boyfriends house. I'm considering advising him that if he continues like this then when I buy my house he will not get a say in his bedroom choice etc (his brothers will) as if he carries on like this I won't know when he is coming or not. My wife thinks its perfectly reasonably for the kids to stay at he mums or he aunties and says it goes on with all divorced couples. I say it just suits her because it means she doesn't have to look after them - she leaves it to her mum. I'm just wondering if I am being to harsh on my son - he is 13 but I want him to understand how choices now can affect the future. My ex and I split custody of the kids 50:50 ( I pay he the CMS calculation and she keeps all the Child Benefit) she also constantly expects me to pay 50% of all other costs for them which I do - which is also driving me mad. All thoughts appreciated.

Sounds like he wants to live in the most stable household, I don't blame him.

Just allocate him a bedroom, at 13 he's old enough to choose to either come or not. Don't use it as punishment or reward. He needs a bedroom, allocate him a bedroom, put his stuff in said bedroom.

Big pat on the back for paying for your child.

He’s 13, so long as he is being looked after by a responsible adult & is safe, happy & getting on with school/education then he should be allowed to choose. And you certainly won’t do yourself any favours by being cruel & punishing him for wanting to live at his current home!

Your ex is entitled to a life & as a single parent, anyone is entitled to ask relatives to help with childcare. I’m not a single parent & my mum & family look after my child loads! To me, it sounds like you are very bitter re-your ex and the fact she has a new man. Maybe she is being a rubbish mum & prioritising her own life but here is your opportunity to step up & be the bigger & better parent.

Do not let your resentment reflect onto your child. It’s incredible childish & petty behaviour to tell your son he won’t get to pick a room. For one, it’s just mean. You want your son to live with you, then he needs a room. Don’t be a dick about it. And two, I doubt he’ll care all that much so long as he has a room to go sit in away from adults as teenagers do!

Perhaps if you actively go out your way to be there for your kids, take them out, be the best parent you can be.. you might find they suddenly starting they want to live with you a bit more!

He won't want to stay at yours more if you tell him he gets no say in his bedroom. There are several issues here but make sure you don't take things out on your son and when you are annoyed with your ex. Are you wanting him at yours more? Or are you annoyed he is staying with grandparents rather than his mum?

If you've agreed 50:50 care and have set days for that care then your children need to stick to it and your ex needs to back you up.

Children yearn for routine and security and whatever the circumstances of your split your ex and yourself need to present a united front. The moment a child sees a chink between you both they will manipulate you both for their own ends.

My ex and I have 50:50 care, we split everything child related 50:50, despite fact he earns much more than I do and stayed in maritial home with very small mortgage.

Children are incredibly sensitive and if they feel you're angry with their mum/ gran they will avoid you.

Focus on creating a new home full of love and excitement for your children, it's hard work, but rewarding. Set boundaries though!

Hi thanks for the replies - appreciated. Just a couple of points. My other 2 children are with me 50% of the time and we do lots together - up until the last month he was with us also. So he always has the opportunity to join us i.e. eating out, pictures playing at home etc. He will off course get a bedroom in my house but its only fair on the other 2 that they will have a bigger say - its not punishment - if they are going to spend 50% of their time with me and him every so often. In terms of bitterness to my ex - yes its there occasionally but mainly when it comes to the constant ask for more money each week if she buys them something - she spent the 2 years running up to the courts arguing she wanted to be and was a good mum - when I always felt she kids weren't here priority. For me now she is clearly demonstrating it. He priorities are being with her boyfriend and ensuring she is financially secure - then come the obligations to the kids ! Thanks for the replies though - it is difficult steering your way through this as my friends all tell me I'm right and I am sure her friends tell he she is right !!!

Thank you 45andfine. You sound a very reasonable person.

Thanks DivGirl. I will do that and I will never let my kids suffer. they are the reason for my divorce - they were my priority. As my wife said to me during the divorce, you are a brilliant dad but a crap husband !! Hey ho !