bonding and PND years later

[gameofmoans83]

Please be gentle with me. I couldn't possibly feel worse about this than I already do, and am trying my best to fix it.

I have 3 DCs- ages 9, 5 and 2. When the eldest was born I had very bad undiagnosed PND. I didn't bond well with him. I took good care of him, played with him, cuddled him, read/ sang to him etc etc- all the stuff you are supposed to do, but always felt as though I was playing a role and never felt properly connected. Now several years on, I definitely love him, but I still feel that the bond is not there in the same way that it is with my other children (no PND for the other two) . I still feel conmplicated feelings about him and our early years, and not quite connected to him, and often judge him harslhy for normal kid stuff where I would be much more forgiving with the other two. I feel overwhelmed with shame about it. (I don't treat them differently I don't think- I just feel differently, but it probably is obvious at some level)

He has been quite a difficult child to parent in many ways- very anxious, extremely sensitive and now seems to be showign some signs of childhood depression. It's as though at some level he knows that my love was shaky right from the start. I know this is all my fault and he must somehow be picking up on my earlier feelings. I feel absolutely terrible about it.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do now? How to strengthen my bond with him? How to do my best to fix this? How to find joy in our relationship and make him feel unconditionally loved. I spend lots of time with him, do as much one on one stuff as I can (give that I have a job and two other kids), play with him, chat to him, tell him constantly that I love him but nothing seems to shift the fundamentals. Is there any kidn of specialist therapy I can do now he is so old? Is there any hope? Would appreciate any advice or others' experiences. I feel so so awful about this and as though I can never change it.

I'm no expert on attachment but you could try consulting a child psychotherapist as this is very much in their area? They may want to see you together but they would consult with you seperately first. I had help from one when my son was younger and did find it helpful. I warn you it is expensive though for a few nuggets of insight!

I think you should give yourself a break. It sounds like you’re really self-aware and are trying your best to be a great mum to your DS. Having PND was unlucky and not your fault.

I also think it’s normal to be a bit stricter/have higher expectations with your first. Then when the second / third children are at that stage you’re more relaxed as you have been there done that before.

I had bad PN anxiety with my first and felt horribly guilty and worried about our bond for a long time. I’m not sure what’s changed but I don’t think about it too much now. You have my sympathies though. If you’re anywhere near London you could look up the Anna Freud Centre as I think they may be a good place to approach if you would like external help.

thanks for these kind responses. I guess for so long I just thought thsi was how things were and how they had to be, and it didn't really occur to me that I could try to change things (not sure why- probably just so in the thick of motherhood of young childreen I didn't have much time to think). I'm not near London but maybe I will give Anna Freud a call anyway to see if there is anythign they can recommend.

Thanks for your kindness in replying.

I would have thought some sort of therapy or counselling would be good. Perhaps you could ask your GP for recommendations. I can't imagine you'll get many responses by people judging you. It sounds like you've done your best in difficult circumstances. I hope you can access some help