My breastfeeding struggle

[Pinkflower23]

Hi all,

My daughter was born 5 weeks ago. I planned to breast feed when she was first born. I really tried. She would latch, have a few suckles then pull off and start frantically shaking her head and scream blue murder to the point I was almost in tears as I would get so frustrated. Other times she would latch and feed no problem.
The times when I struggled and she would cry my partner would just sit there watching. After a few minutes he would get up and I would hear him boil the kettle ! Or open the steriliser to make a bottle. I would just hand her to him and say I’m going for a shower! Obviously so I could go and cry my eyes out. The whole situation made me feel like a failure. I feel like times when I needed his support I had non. This continue for about two weeks then we changed to solely bottle feeding. If I would try to breastfeed in the morning and she wouldn’t latch it would ruin my whole day! It would put me in some dark deep depressed like state.
My partner had a month off work. I glad his now gone back as I can have one on one bonding time. I feel like not breastfeeding the first few weeks with strong intent to has give me postnatal depression maybe ?

I really want to give breast feeding a go again. No partner stood over me (not helping/supporting me) boiling the kettle or making a bottle If I struggle.
Should I? I know it’s going to be even harder now then before as she’s so used to bottle teats.

Thanks xxx

There's no reason not to offer the breast and even if she just takes a few sucks, or just a couple of mouthfuls, it will boost your supply. Combination feeding works for some people. And any BM your child receives, at all, is beneficial to them

Have a baby moon, snuggle up skin to skin with snacks and drinks to hand and just be with your baby. Partner's role is to care for you so you can care for baby!

Please maybe consider seeing your GP about PND signs as well.

I also had a baby who wouldn't latch & gave myself a horribly hard time about it. I promise you in time it won't matter, but I completely understand your upset.

I am no expert, but now you have this time to yourself, I would recommend taking DD to bed with lots of warm skin to skin & snuggles. Just make you & your milk freely available to her & see where it goes.

I'm sorry your DH wasn't supportive.
Do you have a local BF group or is support available at your local hospital? It might help just to go & speak to them.

Good luck x

I had latch issues and only got round this by using nipple shields - although they are a bit of a pain, it means that I am able to breastfeed with no need for bottle top ups

Good luck

If you want to try, try but don't pressure yourself, like a PP said give her plenty of opportunity but if she doesnt latch or only has 2 or 3 sucks don't give yourself a hard time. If it works great if it doesnt great, so long as your baby is fed you are doing a good job

Could be tongue tie if struggling to latch
Another one to strongly recommend nipple shields while you look into getting some help with the latch.
Mine was not able to latch due to jaundice, we had to bottle feed to keep weight up and she almost lost interest in latching onto breast altogether.
Like you I felt v sad about it.
Tried nipple shields, dipped them in the formula to tempt her and she was able to start breast feeding again.
Also helped with her latch
I’m hoping to get rid of nipple shields soon but these helped us transition back to breast feeding
Good luck, I feel your pain!

I went from a bottle fed 1 month old to a breastfed 3 month old.

It can be done (good suggestions already made), but your mental health comes first. Baby is fed, she's fine for now, are you? Stress/depression will get in the way of your BF journey, google and get yourself to a local BF support group asap. Your partner is not equipped to help with the complex emotional and technical difficulties of breastfeeding, you need to talk to trained/experienced people. La leche league have a helpline you can call. Please tell your HV/midwife/GP you are worried about PND too.

I don't know your partner, but maybe from his viewpoint he sees his wife depressed and child screaming due to BF and goes to the obvious solution, a bottle. Once you have support in place you will probably be able to communicate with him better.

BF may work for you or it may not, you are feeding your baby and that's the most important thing. Be kind to yourself and don't let this small aspect of being a mum get in the way of this special time you have with your daughter or your relationship with your partner.

I've had two babies with latch issues. I started out BF'ing both and both ended up on formula soon enough. With both DC, I would get frustrated and sad that they couldn't latch properly and also feel like a failure, but the bottle was my saviour.

Honestly I don't relate to the feeling that need to BF my baby for them to bond; that was always a separate issue. DC1 is now 4 and we are super close. Not Breastfeeding my baby didn't stop the cuddles and physical bonding. I cuddled him as I fed him and we co slept until very recently (something some breastfeeding mother's I know don't do).

Go ahead and try if you feel you want to, you don't lose out for trying. But you've mentioned that you felt really down when it didn't go well, and while that's normal, don't neglect your mental health.

I could have written this myself for my own 5 week old.

I have finally decided to give up though. I feel bad cos i feel i haven't given it enough of a go... Not often enough. But like you if it didn't go well I'd end up feeling real shit.

However, I would encourage you to try because it's what you want. Maybe contact a lactation consultant or find a bf group?

Don't let it stress you out. Fed is best.

But i understand. I realised is come to the decision the other day to give up the pumping as well and felt so shit i burst out into tears. I was crying so much as i was giving my baby the bottle i didn't see she'd finished with it and was sitting there with formula dribbling down her chin.

So seek help. Find support. Don't feel alone (you're not) and as one of the ladies said to me at the bf group... Don't put pressure on yourself. Have a baby moon, but don't think of it as trying to get your baby on breast, just enjoy your time spent with baby.

First of all dont feel guilty about bottle feeding. A fed baby is ultimately best. Second yes it can be done. See if there are any breastfeeding groups and lactation consultants in your area to support you with this. I would suggest expressing either by hand or using a pump at times when your little one isn't on the boob. This again will help increase your supply. The best time to increase your supply is actually overnight so kick your inconsiderate partner our of bed and spend some nights skin to skin with your baby and just let her find the boob herself if you put her on your chest she will root for it.

Finally tell your inconsiderate partner to provide you with some support and not judgement. Breastfeeding can be super hard at the beginning but it does get easier. It's also good to have support while doing it. Also your little one pulling off and fussing over the boob is often very normal at the young age because she is wanting to increase your milk supply and that's how she would do it.

Good luck with your bf journey!

I just wanted to chip in. I had planned to breastfeed. Me and DS didn't quite figure it out and couldn't afford a lactation consultant or anything like that. At 9 weeks DS is bottle fed. He is absolutely fine but I do think it was a big part of me developing PND. Speak to someone about how you're feeling.

My dd is 12. You could be describing my own experience. It broke my heart to, as I saw it "fail" to feed her myself. I felt such pressure from everywhere including myself. It seemed like a piece of piss for everyone except me.
As pp have said Fed is best.
Please talk to a health professional. And if, like me, you struggled to find one to talk to that wasn't trotting out whatever they need to say to meet their bf targets - please tell me it's different now - please see if you can find an advocate to speak for you. I wish I hadn't played the tough guy with my partner and claimed "I've got this, I can manage" because I now know he was struggling too, seeing me struggle. I wish I'd made him my advocate. Or my mum. Or my sister. Or my mil.
Much later , a helpful health professional described me as being a tiger mum when I turned to bottle feeding - in a good way - doing what I needed to do for my dd even if I wished it had been different . You should be proud of yourself.

anyone else still on this?

Firstly I am so sad that any mother would feel guilty for not being able to BF their baby.
Secondly, as well as all the good advice here, (esp skin2skin to get the milk flowing) how about expressing?

Its best to tell your dh how you feel. I told mine i felt undermined although he had the best intentions. He was horrified, as pp said he saw me in pain and automatically thought how to 'fix it'.

I hope you feel happier now whatever you decided.

Putting all the stuff about feeding to one side, you need to cut your DH some slack here. He's seeing you suffering, miserable and struggling, and he's just trying to help. Have you actually had a conversation with him about what you want to happen/what you would like him to do?

I had this with my ds1. I intended to bf but had no milk at first because of a difficult birth and when it did come in he struggled to latch and was squirming and screaming. I was in too much pain from the birth to persevere in getting him to latch and it was stressing me out so much having him scream in my face. I decided to bottle feed instead and honestly it was like a weight off my shoulders, instead of feeds being stressful, screaming, me crying etc I could calmly bottle feed him, snuggle into him, kiss his little head, enjoy him and bond with him, it was brilliant. I did feel guilty in a way that I hadn’t been able to stick with breastfeeding but it saved my mental health and 3 years on he is absolutely perfect, bottle feeding isn’t the end of the world if it is going to make your life easier.

And breathe

I really understand the strong emotions around BFing. Stressing is going to effect your supply, so as difficult as it is try to make a plan and relax and go with the flow.

Has your baby been checked for a tongue tie?

Nows the time to have more skin on skin time, more time sucking on the boob and ripping up with a bottle feed afterwards.
Do you have a pump? If so pump to increase supply and also feed bub breast milk from bottle too.
Is bub getting a good mouthful of boob not just the nipple?
Can you reach out to a lactation nurse to help you at home?

I’m sorry that you didn’t feel supported by your partner