Second child: would you still go for it?

[Monipop84]

I am 36, with a 9-month-old DD. Some of my "mum pals" are already starting to talk about having baby n. 2. Truth is, I am conflicted: I grew up as an only child, and I think I would have enjoyed having a sibling so much. How can I deny this to my own daughter? On the other hand, I realise I will be even more stretched: I miss having "me" time to read, exercise and such, and this will be even scarcer if we have n. 2. Less time, more stress, and as a result worse parenting for DD as well - so perhaps I won't do her any favours. So my question is, for those of you who had baby n. 2: would you still go for it, and why/why not?

I've got 2 (still young as well, one is 3 and the other is 6 months) and I actually don't find I have less "me time" now that I have two. If anything I manage my time better and say no to things I don't really want to do.

Yes the days are busier but once everyone is in bed then the evening is yours to do what you please. As they grow up you get more and more time back and more and more of yourself back.

I think for some (maybe most) people the first is a huge shock to the system but second time round things are usually a lot easier, you know what you're doing, what to expect, how to do things quickly/efficiently.

It is very special to see your children bond and laugh and play together. I've got a sister, and now have 2 girls myself and I would be thrilled if they had the closeness and friendship that I have with her.

If it's not already obvious, my advice would definitely be to go for it 😊 but only if it's what you truly want. I think broodiness is a real thing and if it's not there then listen to your own body and instincts.

Yes absolutely as otherwise I wouldn't have my gorgeous daughter sitting 5ft away! My husband already had two teenagers and when we had our first and time came to think about a second he said it's not twice the work but quadrupled- true the dynamic of two is a huge difference than one and for the first few years I struggled to come to terms with the loss of 'self', but now they are teens and the greatest kids so worth it.
They are not particularly close at the moment but they'll always have each other.

@lobsterroll thanks for the advice. I.am broody, my body is telling me one thing and my head another one! But so many people say the second one is easier, so there might be truth in that.

I have two and would not swop it for the world. The first few years with two young kids is very hard but mine are a bit older now and I love their bond. They play together a lot so that actually frees up my time.

Yes go for it if you can accept the hard work for benefit later on. It’s very hard in the early days with 2+ & sometimes by evening too exhausted to do anything for “me”

I had my 2 close, which meant I got my second mat leave before my first started school. It was amazing. The second mat leave and the time before my eldest started school were some really happy times - so much oxytocin flooding my body! And as pp mentioned, getting to see the beautiful bond between children.
On the other hand, how do you feel about laundry? Your partner? Laundry? Being organised? Laundry? Lack of down time?

I'm not sure my PFB got worse parenting as s result of PSB. Psb get extra parenting from PFB though!

My adult son isn't bothered about being the one and only and I didn't want another one.

You sound like me about a year ago 😄 I’m an only child & while I wasn’t particularly lonely as a child, I do wish I had a sibling now as an adult!

But I had the same thoughts as you, I found the baby stage quite tough & when life settled itself down around 12 months, I couldn’t comprehend having another one. I was happily back at work, life was in a happy routine, we had support that meant we got date nights back etc!

But around age two, I started to feel a bit broody & saw how much my daughter loved playing with other kids etc. I realised that I’d probably always regret not having another & giving my daughter the sibling I wish for.. so we went for it & second is due in March! I’m nervous but we’ll do it!

They said, I don’t regret the bigger age gap of what will be almost 3 years.. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed having one child for that long! And enjoying my daughter without thinking about another!

There are different struggles with having two. I didn't find the newborn stage nearly as difficult. I was prepared for sleepless nights and breastfeeding. She's just slot in with family life.

However as she's become more demanding its been a bit harder to balance my time, especially as DS has entered a challenging stage. But there's every chance I would have found this stage challenging with DS anyway and I'll now be better prepared for when dd hits the same stage - hopefully!

I actually found I had more "me time" with two, as they played with each other so I didn't have to entertain them!

Obviously this isn't immediate, and if you have two close together it's a lot of nappies/laundry/cleaning up after them, but once no.2 is 2 years plus there's the possibility of a hot cup of tea while they play delightfully together

You certainly don't need to decide now, no. 1 is only 9 months old. You may feel totally differently and be certain one way or the other 1-2 years from now. So don't put pressure on yourself to decide right now.

I got pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was 9 months. It's a lovely age gap. Easier now that they play really nicely together - though they fight too. I don't think the exhaustion was any worse than it would have been with one, though obviously I'll never know that for sure. I always wanted 2 though.

It's much harder work with two and I found being pregnant with no2 particularly hard. But we really wanted to give DD a sibling and now he is 2.5 they play together. It's particularly nice when we go on holiday too as they have each other. I have very little me time though as if someone reading with DD the other plays with DS, bedtime is a 2 person job etc.

@1300cakes you are right: in an ideal world I wouldn't put pressure on myself to decide now, however 1) I am 36 so not super young anymore and 2) if the whole point is to give DD a close sibling, I wouldn't want a huge age gap, so it would be good to know at least theoretically whether we are going for n. 2 or not....

I’ve seen posts on here before which I completely agree with, that say having a kid is not ‘to give previous kid a sibling’, there’s no guarantee they’ll like each other, or want to play with each other in the brief window when that’s a thing they’d do, what if the new child has a disability, what if it’s twins? You can’t force a whole new human into 8 decades of existence on a dying planet to ‘give someone a sibling’, it’s purely for the parents self indulgence, which is fine if that’s what you want. It’s disgraceful that people still perpetuate myths about children who don’t have siblings🙄

Monipop84 yes you're 36 but realistically you still have a couple of years to decide. Your DD is still a baby. We started trying for DS when DD was 2, and they have a 3.5 year age gap. We wanted the gap to be a bit smaller but it's been great. DD had her 30 hours at nursery when I was on maternity leave with DS and there was no jealousy. They adore each other. It's not always the case that 2 years is the best age gap, so do what feels right for you.

I always wished that I had a sibling as I see the bond with my cousins and I get very jealous.