DD and not listening - help, please!!

[JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff]

DD turns 5 this week. She is in many ways a great kid - intelligent, kind, funny, creative - but she DOES. NOT. LISTEN. It's driving me nuts and creating stress.

What to do?

E.g.s are: we are in the swimming pool change area. I am trying to wrangle toddler DD2 through the shower and DD1. I say to DD1, 'Here, can I give you some shower gel and can you wash your tummy and arms?'
DD1 - watching an older girl across the room putting her leggings on
Me - 'DD1? Are you okay to wash yourself a bit?'
DD1 - watching the girl
Me - 'DD1, Mummy's talking to you. Can you remember to listen please? Hold out your hand. I'm going to give you some shower gel.'
DD1 - watching the girl
Me - getting down on her level and putting my hand gently under her chin. 'Look at Mummy. DD1. Can you get washed?'
DD1 'Okay Mummy!'

So many interactions are like this. What cereal do you want for breakfast, can you put your school uniform on now, do you want to watch Numberjacks on the iPad, can you put your wellies on - not 100% of the time, but very frequently, those interactions turn into me asking her 5-6 x minimum. It's wearing and I think it's damaging our relationship. Recently on the school run she asked me 'Mummy, are you cross?' as I'd been speaking to her sharply and I had to say no, just frustrated as she was ignoring me and it was making us late.

I don't want her childhood memories to be all about me snapping and chivvying her, but I've got two other children as well, and when we are headed out the door or just doing anything as a family, I cannot spend 5-10 mins 'persuading' her to do each step.

Any thoughts?

I feel your pain, my teenager is like this, I'm sure she's partially deaf but all the tests say otherwise.

So she was watching something else and therefore did not hear or notice you talking to her? is she like this in other situations - eg, if she's doing her homework, is she completely focused and wouldn't notice if you offered her a chocolate? ? At school, what do the teachers say?

DS has sensory issues. In his case, if one sensory input is taking all his attention (eg, the bane of my life until recently, the seam on his sock), he is completely incapable of listening/engaging/hearing anything else. I can ask him to get his school bag, put on his coat, brush his teeth etc, but he will simply ignore me until the seam is less uncomfortable.

Different children will have different sensory inputs that impact them. I was recently told that I clearly have a mild auditory disorder in that too many sounds make it impossible for me to hear anything specific. DS' is largely related to touch. Others can be visual (possibly your daughter). And of course, there can be a combination.

I'd be talking to school to ask if they have similar issues. And I'd then consider either taking her for an assessment or looking into some help. A lot of these types of issues if relatively mild can be managed (eg, as per my above example, DS wears very soft, seamless socks and that daily stress has now vanished).

Come to think of it, communal showers at gym can be very loud. I find being in there with the DC very stressful. Possibly she actually CAN'T hear because of all the other sounds around her. How does she feel about electric hand dryers/ coffee shops etc - ie loud noisy environments.

Hi Bling, thanks. So her not-paying-attention was bad enough at preschool that they even suggested she might be on the spectrum - but she doesn't have any other signs of that. We took her (privately) to an NHS clinical psych with a specialism in early-years ASD diagnosis, who said there was no evidence she was on the spectrum.

I don't think it's a sensory issue. It tends to occur when she is playing/ watching something on the iPad/ engrossed in watching an interesting scene play out - in this case, the kid in question was making a massive faff out of getting dressed and being told off by her mum.

She doesn't show evidence of other sensory issues. She never balks at noises - she has never rejected any item of clothing because she doesn't like the way it feels - she is pretty hardy in cold water/ inclement weather.

I think it is basically a combination of she is quite dreamy and I am often in a hurry and needing her to do stuff quickly. I don't know how to get her going without nagging, though!

Although I should say, she is in reception now and her teachers don't find listening a problem. I suspect she is more in awe of them than she is of me!

Might be worth checking her hearing. My DS has hearing issues picked up when he was 5. In hindsight he had problems for years and we hadn't picked it up. As we thought he was easily distract-able or engrossed in what he was doing. However he used to always tell us to look at his face when we spoke to him and as it turned out he was lip reading. He got grommets and was a different DC.... always worth checking

Hmm maybe I should. She doesn't seem to have a problem hearing in other contexts - but I suppose it's possible.

DC are amazing in how they adapt. I didn't think he had any issues with his hearing either and no one at school said a word. So was easily missed - however at school he would sit at the front and stare at the teacher so he could lip read what she was saying. It wasn't that he was deaf just that he had very bad glue ears and the ent surgeon said it's like walking around with fingers in your ears. So if noisy already he wouldn't hear me speak to him

She's fine at school but at home she doesn't seem to hear, it's almost selective hearing to the extent of denying I ever said anything,

You are asking closed questions that require a yes or no answer and in her head she’s opting for “ no”.
Give direct commands that don’t give her the option. Don’t bother with the “ Can you remember to....”. Just tell her explicitly what you need her to do.

Fin to be fair, I do give 'commands' too - 'Right, time to put shoes on... X, put your shoes on.... X, I've told you twice now.... PUT YOUR SHOES ON'

Etc.

Sigh.

I think I will suggest to DH we get her hearing checked.