Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

DH doesn't 'get it.'

18 replies

SerialM · 19/01/2020 06:21

Try to get DH to help with kids during the night, but he just doesn't know how to settle them- he seems to make them wired. In the early hours of this morning, DC2 woke crying, I asked him to carry her to our bed and I would BF her back to sleep in bed with me and he could sleep in the spare room. 30 minutes later, DC2 was getting niggly and pinching and crying each time my boob fell out of her mouth. I carried her back to DH and asked if he could rock her to sleep. She was moaning a little after 5 minutes but sleepily, then I heard him put her down in the her cot whilst she is whimpering and she began screaming, where he continues to leave her! She eventually became inconsolable, crying for mummy. I have now been rocking her for around 1.5 hours and sent DH back to the spare room.
Luckily, on this occasion DC1 wasn't woken by DC2s crying.
He just can't seem to keep everyone calm at night. He will begin a conversation with DC1 when she wakes as opposed to quietly putting her back to bed/in bed with us. This engages her brain and she then won't go back to sleep. He also can't whisper!
He doesn't seem to get it.
I said "what are you doing?"
When he left DC2 in her cot crying and he said "oh here we go again, I'm not doing things your way..."
He doesn't realise its not about doing it my way but acknowledging the needs of the DCs.
Feel like asking for any help is a waste of time.
He'll often just sit in the chair in DCs room if she's crying for me doing nothing other than holding her and seemingly waiting for me to take over. He could try standing up stroking her head,.singing but he's so half-hearted. If it's "his turn" to go to them, he takes so long that by the time he gets there, they're wide awake.
Feel like what's the point. I may aswell do everything myself.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Finfintytint · 19/01/2020 06:33

Does sound like you want it all done your way.
Let him work it out for himself.

blackcat86 · 19/01/2020 06:35

That is the point though isnt it because you're not a shitty mum who wont leave the DCs unsettled, he knows he can be a bit crap and you'll eventually have to take over. This means you're less likely to ask him again, he can pretend you're 'better at it' or 'they just want you' and then he gets to play the victim if you dare mention it. He's got it made really. I have had the same issue in that DH is a fairweather parent, happy to have fun unless DC need anything at night, that's a bit yucky, when it's not convenient for him, when no one is looking to congratulate him on parenting his own child. I have found going out really helps as it forces him to crack on. He still plays the victim which I ignore. I've also found that loudly and publically labelling the behaviour helps as I bet he would hate it if people knew how little he helped.

BergamotMouse · 19/01/2020 06:50

Part of it could be the child. My DH willingly gets up in the night, tries his best but ultimately, my son (14 months) whinges and cries until I go through. All he wants is mum!

He can settle our 3 year old no problem. He might just be trying to figure out what works for him, baby will act differently for both of you so whilst rocking and stroking might be your way, your child might be furious if your DH tries that method. I know that's the case for mine.

Though I do get that having a conversation with them is unnecessary.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

user1497787065 · 19/01/2020 07:23

If you're breast feeding anyway why does he need to bring the baby to you? I would have just dealt with the baby myself without his assistance. Use the fact that he has had an undisturbed night later in the day by providing lunch/supper/laundry etc

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 19/01/2020 07:40

I think you’re probably quite anxious about the whole thing and have to have things done your way to make it feel ‘right’.

I don’t fully understand all the passing around of the baby, that’s probably keeping him awake too. Dh passes to you, you feed, pass back to him... why didn’t you just put the baby back to bed?

BlueWonder · 19/01/2020 07:46

You told him you would feed DC2 to sleep and he could go and sleep in the spare room. Half an hour later you woke him and asked him to rock her to sleep.... and are now complaining that he didn't do it as you would and blaming him for the continued upset. I do remember how stressful and disjointed and desperate all this middle of the night stuff gets, but based on what you said....YABVU, sorry!

HumphreyCobblers · 19/01/2020 07:50

Refusal to do anything that works is not doing things his way. I am sure if the DH did things differently to the op and they got the kids to sleep she would be more than happy.

LynetteScavo · 19/01/2020 08:29

I don't understand why you didn't just get DC2 to sleep in your bed with you.

Surly moving them at that point wasn't going to end well.

LynetteScavo · 19/01/2020 08:34

I really don't want to be picky with an over tired parent, and I mean this in the kindest way, but I always found the less movement in the night the better. If one of mine woke up, I picked them up and shoved them in bed with me or with the child that lived to like me in the eye, lie on the floor of their room. DH didn't sort them out in the night because he didn't have boobs then got up at the crack of dawn with them while I slept. Might that work for you?

Bipbipbipbip · 19/01/2020 08:46

It doesn't sound like either of you have a consistent approach to getting then back to sleep if they wake in the night. You need to sit and discuss what you are both happy with and how to manage this.

TBH, I'd be annoyed if my husband told me I could sleep in the spare room and then woke me up 30 minutes later to look after the baby.

Peanutbutteryogurt · 19/01/2020 09:16

Honestly the whole thing sounds inefficient and unsustainable. You both need a better plan of how to manage the nights.

Heeelllooo987171717 · 19/01/2020 09:19

It honestly sounds unsustainable!! Agree with what @BlueWonder has said

Whyhaveidonethis · 19/01/2020 17:09

This sounds batshit crazy to me. Why is he getting up to get you the baby for you to feed her? Surely as you have to feed her anyway you may as well get her? What's the point of both of you being awake? And then you woke him back up half hour later to rock her to sleep?. Also you are making a rod for your own back, children need to learn to self soothe otherwise you will all be exhausted and ratty the next day.

I feel for you as I remember how exhausting it is to look after babies and breastfeeding, but I do think that you seem to be a bit unreasonable if I'm honest. No point you both being exhausted.

BabyBunnyMama · 19/01/2020 19:20

If you're better at it why don't you just do the nights and let DH get up with them if you've had a bad night?? I agree with other responses, passing baby around is going to wake her up more surely, and if you have to do the feeding then what's the point in you both being up?

JKScot4 · 19/01/2020 19:25

This sounds mad, he’s to bring you the baby to feed to sleep then you go into the spare room to wake him up to rock the baby??
Why have both of you awake during the night?
Maybe if you stop criticising and offer some hints to help him settle when needed?
This attitude of because you’re up then so should he be is really selfish especially if you’re feeding to sleep.
Personally I’d go for doing the night feeds but get long lies Sat/Sun while he has the DC.

SerialM · 19/01/2020 19:39

I can see why my OP didn't make much sense now. It was his lie-in day (we take it in turns) and the deal is that whoever gets the lie-in sees to the children at night.

DC2 has been unwell so I suggested he put her in bed with me as I could foresee she wouldn't settle for him. I didn't expect her to breastfeed constantly and be scratching, pinching me and wailing, hence why I handed her back to him. Completely agree about the inconsistency. If I had my way I would have said "let me do the night, you sleep and I'll lie in" but he would never have agreed to it in a million years or would have atleast sulked about not getting his lie-in.

OP posts:
SerialM · 19/01/2020 19:41

And the reason he brought her into my bed is because he was getting up to go in the other bedroom anyway, plus it gives me chance to remove surplus pillows and etx before she comes in demanding immediate boob.

OP posts:
HaggardMumofToddler · 19/01/2020 19:47

How old are the children?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread