4 year old constantly wetting himself - help!

[KTNoo]

ds was out of nappies just before 3, with almost 100% success immediately. About 6 months later he competely regressed and stopped going to the toilet. I know this is common, but he's still not using the toilet and is now 4yrs2months. He does poo in the toilet, thank goodness.

He doesn't have an infection and he has spells when he will be better, then get worse again. We've tried stickers (not bothered at all), sweets (worked for a day then lost interest) and money (had the best success with this but now this is no longer working). Occasionally I've got annoyed at him and although he was a bit upset it made no difference. I've even asked him why he does it and of course he doesn't know.

He doesn't seem to care that he's wet and never asks me to change him. Should I change him or just leave him?

He's a bit better at nursery as they are toileted frequently, but he's going to school next week and they are expected to know when they need to go! I spoke to the nursery teacher and she felt that giving him a treat if he's dry for a whole day was reasonable, but it isn't working. He's always keen for the treat but then wets himself anyway.

Does anyone have experience of this? I don't think there is anything physically wrong with him, so is it just a behavioural thing? I'm so fed up with it. He smells like a tramp all the time....

Is he anxious about going to school, but can't articulate this? Do his 'regressions' coinside with shopping for new school things for example. Although school children are expected to take themselves to the loo without prompting, the number who wet themselves in reception class is quite high. There's always a chance that he may suddenly improve when he's experienced his first day and it was all O.K. Is there any chance of speaking to the school nurse about this, my sons school offered parents an appointment with their nurse before the start of term, to discuss any issues, and she was brilliant with advice about bedwetting and becoming dry at night. (Son was 4.7 and suddenly became dry at night!)

You could be talking about dd1. We had exact same problem. I can almost guarantee ds will be fine at school. I also tried evertything you've mentioned. This'll sound daft but here's how we overcame problem - it was the day of ds1 birthday, i said to dd1 lets see if we can have dry knickers all day for ds birthday. dd asked why and i just said it just would be nice. dd was then dry all day and i've not had a daytime problem since!!! That won't help you but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'd be tempted to try leaving him to sort himself out when he has an accident. make him go to toilet himself, change his clothes himself and but wet ones in washing basket himself. That way he's getting no attention from it at all. It could do the trick.

My ds (6.6) is exactly as you describe your ds, he has never been 100% dry, his reason is anxiety, he has AS/ASD, and children with AS suffer far more than your typical child with anxiety, I am not suggesting your ds has AS, but he may well be anxious about something.

Thanks for your replies.

He could be anxious about school I suppose, although the nursery class he has been going to for a year is next door to the reception class, and he knows the teacher and has always been happy there. The wetting problem has been going on for about 8 months now, and doesn't seem to coincide with anything in particular. If I make sure I put him on the toilet regularly (with some protesting but does go) he's usually okay, but he needs to tell me when he needs it. I have a feeling it's a control thing, in the way that some children use food. He's quite difficult overall, but I feel I can handle his behaviour. He knows I can't make him stop wetting himself.

We had one day recently when I decided to completely ignore the wetting. It was about 5pm and he hadn't been to the toilet since about 10am! He was giving me such a defiant look as if to say "Are you going to comment on my soaking wet trousers?" If I told him to go and get changed he would, but he will also go around in wet clothes quite happily.

I'm trying to praise him when he's dry for a reasonable length of time. He seems pleased with himself but then will wet himself anyway later. He really wants a Lightning McQueen lunch box for school so I'll probably try some bribery with it and see what happens.

If he is anxious about something, I suppose I need to act not-bothered and make sure I don't get annoyed? Easier said than done though....

Gp told me not to take dd to toilet, she must learn the feeling of a full bladder and recognise to go to the loo herself. I think the key is just not to react at all. Ttally recognise the willingness to go round wet all day. HV told me its kids way of putting ball back in your court. Main advice is to ignore completely, make him change himself if wet. No reaction, good or bad.

Thanks, frazzledbutcalm, that's what I've been trying to do.

Only one accident today, and he asked for dry pants, so I told him to go and get some. I don't think I reacted, but I told him he wouldn't be able to get a coin in his money box this evening, which was a shame. I let him spend the money on Saturdays, and he had wanted to buy pick & mix, so hopefully that will make him think.

Thats great! Fingers crossed he becomes even more dry. Just remember not to react, even facially, when he does have accident. I've learned this fm dd1.

Logged on in desparation. Can appreciate where you are coming from. DS is fine when he is at home or with any family member but as soon as he goes to nursery he 'forgets' to use the loo. He is a very shy boy and i think is is an anxiety thing but it is really frustrating. He has just started pre-school nursery and although he hasn't got any worse is certainly no better. Bribery does not seem to work and every morning he tells us he is not going to have any accidents! Have tried everything you have mentioned but nothing seems to work. Any other suggestions would be much appreciated.