When is enough enough? Breastfeeding

[Thebabyhaslanded]

Much longed for DS arrived 16 weeks ago after multiple losses, all I wanted to do was breastfeed.
It's been horrendous. I have pcos and this week I've found out it might be causing low supply.

From birth we hadn't had more than an hours sleep in a row so I think it was 6 weeks he was offered a formula bottle.
That built up to around almost full bottles and I felt awful and as I had pnd with my.first I worked hard and still am working to get my supply back. He currently has 2 bottles of.6 oz a day.
I cannot get him off them, I want to ebf.

I've had problems all along, been through health visitor, peer support, and numerous facebook groups. Had help with latching and positioning. Everything is beautiful apart from my supply.

A lactation consultant has been out to help me, and she was amazing. Although said to not give him formula any all but when he is screaming in hunger and I'm crying too I just dont know what to do, and I give it to him and pump myself and get nothing. And then I think no wonder he is starving.

A week on and I'm on fenugreek, choline instiol, garlic, milk thistle and I started domperidone 3 days ago. And it's a feed pump play sleep feed pump play sleep cycle. Although I get nothing when I pump.

However, I've just given ds his second bottle of the day and yet again he Wolfed it down. He is so unhappy, he cries, he whines, he whinges and he is such a unhappy little boy he wasnt like this on full bottles 7 weeks ago. It was me and my guilt and my dream to ebf and now wonder if I am failing my DS.

I just dont know what to do, i just want to enjoy my baby. Everyone keeps saying what's the point he will be on solids soon and I'm back to work in july.

I just feel absolutely broken. If anyone can offer any advice or experiences either way I'd be so so grateful.

OP, I'm a lactation consultant. One of the things I always say to mums in similar situations is that breastfeeding doesn't have to be all or nothing. It sounds like your little boy actually breastfeeds very well? How much formula is he getting (it's not clear to me)? This kind of situation is SO draining. The fact is not everyone can produce a full supply but there is nothing wrong with BF and then supplementing with formula if that's what you need to do- and your baby will still be getting all the benefits of BF. Could you reframe your thinking so that EBF doesn't have to be the ultimate goal?

Thank you all so much for replying you've all really really helped me

I feel your pain.
I struggled for 10 weeks with low supply of milk and a constantly hungry baby. Although I was able to EBF for the next 6 months with ease, if I could do it again I would have switched to combination feeding from week 1. It seems that you have tried your best and given your all. No need to feel guilty or defeated if you decide to switch to formula now.

It sounds like you have done amazing OP, and like you have done near enough everything you can possibly do to increase supply and make it work. Perhaps see if you can see the lactation consultant or a peer support worker one more time, just so that you know you don't regret not getting a last opinion. Formula is excellent, it can take time to get over giving up BFing, it did for me (which was irrational really as he thrived on formula, my MH improved drastically more or less overnight, and I had gone from hating every moment to enjoying it); but you cant help how you feel. Honestly though, enough is enough when you know it's enough, and formula is great. Please be kind to yourself.

Btw I did struggle with the feelings for a bit, now he is weaned and eating solids and cows milk only, it's just a memory now, no bad feeling.

Please, be kind to yourself. You've done something amazing, you've got a beautiful baby!
A bottle is more than fine.

Jeez, you're a warrior!

But now you're miserable and he's hungry. It doesn't seem worth it to me. When he's 15 and living on cereal and junk food what will you be happier to look back on - a breastfed baby, or a mum and baby who enjoyed the early stage of life together?

I feel for you.

If breastfeeding is so important to you perhaps you could mixed feed. Keep say the bedtime and morning feeds - ones you will still be able to do when you go back to work. Make the decision based on what will make you and your little one happiest now. Not based on guilt or pre-birth hopes.

For me, enough was enough when it began to severely effect my mh. I felt like a complete and utter failure as a mother (ivf, elcs, no real milk to bf), and so ashamed of bottle feeding because people used to stare. Looking back rationally, nobody gave a shiny shit that I was bottle feeding, it was because I have twins and I was feeding two at once!

They’re now 2, and I look back and wonder why on Earth I gave myself such a hard time, but it was part of pnd and wanting to desperately get it ‘right’ whilst forgetting there is no right way, there’s only the right way for us. I can’t tell you when enough is enough for you, but you’ve done brilliantly to get to this point, and enough was enough for me at 6/8 weeks, with 8 months torturing myself after 😂

Fed is best, however that happens. 💐

It's frustrating when you set yourself a time frame that you can't meet down to factors outside your control, but remember just how much you have already achieved!
You've done so well to keep pushing and trying alternatives...and it's ok to push further if you want but please don't forget a happy and fed baby is more important than what he is fed on.

I considered going to a year and then the second those teeth starting arriving I knew it was going to be six months max!!!
I bottle fed him at night and breastfed in the day and he was never more satisfied with one or the other.

Do what feels right but don't forget what a great job you've done!

Thank you again, I've just sat and thought maybe all this pressure I'm putting on myself is what the problem Is.

The two bottles a day or more are working, maybe it really Is the best of both

Ultimately fed is best. It doesnt matter if that is ebf/ff/combination fed. It's whatever works for the baby and you. There is so much pressure to ebf but you would be surprised how many new mums I know that combination feed because it actually provides some relief for them. So not even a supply issue.

Never feel like you have failed your baby, you haven't. Ebf is hard and every journey is different. Good luck with the combi feeding. And just remember you are doing an amazing job!

Combi feeding can work long term! Lots of advice suggests you have to pick either formula or breast but I know a few women who have successfully combi fed for up to 2 years! Your baby and you will still get the benefits of breastfeeding while the formula will make up for supply issues. If I were you, I'd introduce set formula times whenever is best for you and then breastfeed on demand around them. Good luck!

I had a very similar journey with my DS. Like yours, he was very much wanted (an IVF baby) and I was so set on EBF. However with PCOS and a 99th percentile baby to feed, I just didn't have the supply. I pumped and fed and pumped and fed, and still had to top up with formula. I managed to do this until he was 2 months old and realised I was spending my time so stressed out and worried about feeding that I wasn't enjoying him. The decision to stop was so difficult, I cried my eyes out for days - but once I'd made the decision to switch to formula I felt so much better. Obviously it's up to you what you do, and if you want to continue but I want to reassure you that even though you may feel dread or worry about stopping, you won't necessarily feel that once you do stop. I get little inklings of guilt and sadness now and again, but mostly I feel happy that he is so content and that I am a much calmer and happier mum myself!

I found breastfeeding extremely difficult, and it took me nearly 4 months to be able to completely get us off the breast pump and feed "properly". And I didn't even have PCOS! I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

I think at times like this a shift in perspective can really help. Here's what I think;

You say that you want to breastfeed your baby, and that is what you are doing right now. But it isn't making you happy because what you REALLY want is to find breastfeeding easy/natural. Thriugh absolutely no fault of your own that isn't happening. There is very little you can do to change that, and it sounds to me like what little you could do, you have absolutely hammered at and given it everything that you've got. So you need to accept that you can't have what you really desire. That leaves you with two choices - continue breastfeeding knowing that it will be hard work, or switch to formula.

There is no right or wrong here OP. I know that you will make whatever choice is right for you and your family. Please don't beat yourself up. Being a mum is hard enough without you making things difficult for yourself.

Give the baby to someone else for an hour, run yourself a nice hot bath, clear your head and do a bit of soul-searching. Decide what it is you are going to do and then do it. Be nice to yourself.

You've done so amazingly well, you should be so proud of yourself. I lasted 5 days before I'd had enough and, to be honest, the first time I gave DS a bottle of formula and he downed it and then drifted off into a happy sleep pretty much made my mind up. There is no doubt in my mind that switching to FF was the right decision for us - rather than spending every waking moment worrying about BF, I make a bottle every couple of hours and spend the rest of the time playing/going out/generally enjoying DS. Also, he doesn't have a clue how he's fed really but he does know the difference between me being happy and smiley and relaxed vs the opposite.

That is really not meant to sound pro-FF because it's whatever is right for you.

It’s such a personal choice. I had similar milk supply issues. It wasn’t until I ditched formula altogether and stopped trying to pump so regularly that BF established properly but this took a massive leap of faith. I also took the advice of my GP to eat an extra 500 calories (of good nutritious food - I added in a 2nd breakfast of boiled eggs and wholemeal toast and a full cream yoghurt every day).

In the end I did manage to BF DD for as long as I wanted but it was a battle that definitely took a toll on my mental health and I ended up having counselling to process what happened in the first couple of months.

Do what YOU need to do now to be able to enjoy this time with your baby. If that is switching to formula so that you can take the pressure off, then do it. If it is having one last ditch attempt to really get BF going then do that.

Please be reassured that expressing output bears little relation to how much your baby manages to drink during a feed.

We live in country where it is completely safe to formula feed and there really isn't a tonne of evidence to support the theory that breastfed babies are healthier - you really can do whatever you feel is right for your family here. I stopped breastfeeding very early on and never regretted it, some friends lasted longer and regretted not stopping sooner and others are still BFing toddlers and love the feeling. One of my friends never put her baby to the breast because she simply did not want to; she's perfectly happy with that and could not care less what others think, which I admire TBH. Guess what? None of our kids have given any of us any reason to think the way they were fed made the blindest bit of difference.

Please do not even give head space to guilt - they just need milk in their tummies. However you do it, make it loving and you're all set. It's the love that matters, keeping him safe and warm and healthy. Not to belittle any feelings of loss you may have though - I totally get that. But those feelings pass pretty damn quickly once you and your baby are happy and healthy.