Advice re 8 yo DS - what am I doing wrong?!

[IamAporcupine]

My 8yo is a really sweet, kind and thoughtful boy. He is extremely affectionate and loves kisses and hugs, we are very close. He is very clever and doing extremely well at school.

He is usually quite well behaved, cheeky but pleasant, but recently he has started to answer back, or be rude, specially (or exclusively?) to me. This tends to kick off when something frustrates him or takes him by surprise - tonight he thought it was earlier and got very annoyed when I told him we would not have time to play.

You can see the anger building inside him. If I try to reason with him he still tantrums, and if I tell him off he gets worse and starts with the 'I am a meany and the worst mum ever etc etc.

He usually comes to me 5-10 min later and apologises profusely and says he is an stupid/mean boy and that he did not mean it.

I am not in a good place at the moment, extremely stressed about work and other stuff and I know I am not handling this very well. I have taken away toys etc, but it does not make any difference. It keeps happening exactly in the exact same way. He has actually said that the needs to be punished.

I was thinking yesterday that he has very rarely cried when I tell him off, whereas I have cried plenty of times! It feels as if he was more in control than me, and it really upsets me. What am I doing wrong and how can I turn it around?! Is it too late?!

.

I'm no expert but I think it is to do with you not him. You say you are not in a good place right now. Kids pick up on that and it effects them. Can you get some help for yourself? What would help you be in a better place?

It sounds like he needs more time with you. It must be hard for you being stressed but don’t punish him. He just wanted to spend time with you playing and got upset because he couldn’t.
Children act up sometimes to even get negative attention because they might be feeling they’re not getting enough.

@catchyjem - yes, it could be partly that, but I am not convinced is the only reason?

@Charles11 - funnily enough I have more time with him now than I had a few months ago! And yes, I agree yesterday's example was frustration because he wanted to carry on playing/spending time with me, but that is not always the case:

The other day we were playing football and I won. He went mad and threw the ball at me. When I told him off, he did again, harder. I said that was unacceptable etc etc and it escalated from there.

My dcs could never handle losing at anything. That’s quite normal.
I have older dcs who have grown of it now but my 7 yr old will get emotional, cry, storm off and bang doors.
They can’t quite understand their own emotions.
Maybe just engage with his emotions.
Accept he feels angry/frustrated and ask him about it. Invite him talk about it if he wants or leave him to process it and calm down. (probably sounds very Earth mother but it can work well)

Thanks Charles11 - I think it is true that sometimes I forget he is still young and trying to understand his own emotions.

So I followed the advice and tried to spend more time/listen more/be more patient, and it worked...until today!

It was his birthday party - he was over the moon, had a brilliant time, but after dinner was, of course, very tired. He wanted to carry on playing and I did, but he started to get frustrated. I noticed this so I said it'd be better to have two more rounds and then bed.

He didn't like this. He had started getting changed so he took his underwear off and threw it at my face. Please someone tell me how do you react to that?!

I said I was not going to tolerate being treated like that and left the room. He them proceeded to go to the kitchen and helped himself to some food and pretended nothing had happened. I said I was not going to talk to him and that he could forget about asking me to play with him tomorrow.

He got changed and went to bed. Then something happened and he torn his t-shirt (not on purpose) ans started throwing things around and telling me I was a meany. I switched off his light and left.

He came out and said I had to put him to bed, otherwise he would not sleep. Told him to go back to his room and that was it.

I know he spent a long time sitting by the door. but he is now asleep in his bed.

I'm in tears and really do not know what else to do.
While typing this D is fast asleep, as has been most of the evenings this week.

I am wondering if DS is picking up on this. And on other crap behaviour from DH that I have been tolerating?

I can't take it anymore

If that had happened to me, I’d either just make it a lighthearted and say ‘ewww smelly pants alert!’ Or got angry and say your do not throw anything at me’ depending on my mood and tiredness level.
What I wouldn’t do is carry it on and refuse to speak to him or forget about playing with him tomorrow.

He’s only 8 and you’ve said yourself that he was tired. Punishing him for that will only cause more conflict.

I think the fact that you have to tolerate crap from your dh affects your mood and how you react to things. It’s easy to overreact in this situation.

Ask on the relationship boards for advice about your dh as that doesn’t sound good.

As for parenting, the ahaparenting site really helped me with some great advice and I’ve used the methods a lot. They work really well.

www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools