Feeling pressured to have a second child and I don't know what to do. Lots of mixed emotions

[hannahsea]

Hi ladies, I know this might all seem a bit daft and trivial but it's quite upset me and I could really use a place to talk about it.

So I have a lovely 18mo DD - always thought I'd be one and done since my early twenties, 31 now, I was an only child and enjoyed it very much. To boot I just don't think I have the energy or disposition to parent multiple kids, I am quite introverted and easily stressed. I just want to be the best mum I can be.

Life was so good, completely happy as a clam with my life, work, family etc. until BIL and SIL announced they are expecting #2 in May then tonight, DH's sister announcing they are expecting #2 in June. A large smattering of baby news, both of DH's siblings expecting again so close together.

But now I'm feeling as if I'm doing something a bit wrong, perhaps I hadn't thought enough about having a second and should consider it? DH wants one or two after all. This unfortunately has now led me down a rabbit hole where now I'm on the fence about DC2 and after a large bit of Internet research I was horrified to find out that it seems the majority of only children hated being one (even though I was a happy only). Now I'm waffling.

I think this is compounded by the fact I had horrible PND and anxiety throughout the pregnancy and for some months after, I was suicidal for a time, very difficult and sad. Would do anything for a do-over with DD but I can't. Also I think I'm associating my struggle with MH to inadequacy... and inadequacy to wondering why I automatically can't go mad about 2 DCs when it seems like everyone else can...

I start to think of how nice it would be to have two DC at the Christmas table but I just don't know if I can go through raising two. Perhaps I am overestimating how difficult it is but I feel that not getting the extended alone/quiet time with my DCs would really break my heart. I very much enjoyed watching movies with my mum when I was a child while she ran fingers through my hair and we just sat on the couch and had a long cuddle, a very special bonding time. Feel like if I introduced DC2 I'd resent not having that special exclusive time with DD anymore just to relax and love on her.

Dunno ladies it's a lot of guilt, anxiety over wondering if I will regret not having a DC2, anxiety over wondering if DD will hate being an only... how will this affect us ALL in the future, will I be on my deathbed wishing I had two... on the flipside will I spend the next 14+ years in a complete state of misery and sadness if I end up overdoing it with two DCs... what if I would have quite liked two DCs once I give it a try and perhaps DD would be happier with life then having a sibling... but oh no then what if I have DC2 and they bicker all the time and it ruins that child's life AND DD's... these relationships unfortunately do happen...on and on and on...

Parenting is quite hard isn't it, more than anything I just want to do what's best for DD, I love her with every bit of my being. I feel like these days it's 150% heartache and just enough love to make up for it.

Anyway sorry for the novel I just had to pour it all out there. Any parents of onlies here? 2 DC's? Any regrets? Any advice? Have you been there? Can you relate?

DH wants to decide by the time she's 3 which seems like a lot of time but to me it isn't.

Honestly, just enjoy your DD for now. Cherish the moments you have with her, be happy for your family expecting their 2nd and try to relax. Have fun buying baby clothes without having to worry about if they show poo stains!!
I loved being a mum of my special one, watched my friends have a 2nd and eventually we did too... and now sometimes wish for the time to just focus on one of them. Other times my heart bursts when I see them hug or help each other out, when not fighting. The short answer is there isn’t a right or wrong number for your family, just whatever feels right at the time. It sounds like your husband isn’t rushing you for an answer so try to stop fretting about the future and take lots of lovely photos and videos of you and DD together enjoying time now 💕💕

If you're concerned about the stress of two, maybe consider a larger age gap? My two are 4.5 years apart after a period of infertility so not planned this way, but in the end i think i have it a lot easier than friends with kids closer in age. I got to really enjoy dd and all her firsts, she'll go to school and I'll have lots of days with ds. Dd is really self reliant and independent, gets dressed on her own, eats her breakfast, helps with the baby. And we make time for just the two of us on weekends when dh can look after ds for a few hours. It's really lovely.

Ahhh OP you sound like me. I felt (and still do a bit, but now 6 weeks pregnant!) very similar, although I’m not an only child and have a lovely brother. I have great childhood memories of us together, and I think that is what spurred me on.

DD is 2y9 months though, and will be nearly 31/2 when baby (hopefully) comes. She is potty trained, sleeps well, and is just all round brilliant. She’s also getting independent with a lot of things - getting undressed, helping prep breakfast etc, so I think that will help.

I could not have entertained the idea of a 2nd DC before now as I would struggle with the things you mentioned. I’m hoping it will be a little easier with a slightly bigger gap.

There’s no rush to decide, just enjoy your DD for now.

My DD is only 8 weeks and DH has decided he would like another after us always being a one and done type family. There is no way I'd have another any time soon, nor would DH, but it has got me thinking. My younger sister - by 14 years - sometimes gets lonely and has done throughout childhood. She's 10 now. Whereas I had my older brother to play with as there's only 2 years between us. It does make me consider it but I'm feeling the same as you OP - unsure if I could be a good parent to 2. I would like a sizeable age gap, as PP have said when one is at school, it leaves time with the youngest.

Don't feel pressured, do what's right for your family unit, not your BIL/SIL!

I agree with the PP who said to enjoy your DD for now and try to stop worrying. You’ll hear from people on here who have one and others who have two or more. all happy with their decisions.
I never wanted any at all and now I have my son and I love him more than life itself. I only want one though, we definitely don’t want another, mainly because of my age and secondly because I found it so hard in the beginning. And I have sisters and we all get on really well and had a wonderful childhood growing up together so I do understand the benefits of siblings. My husband, however, doesn’t even speak to his siblings and had a terrible childhood. I also know some only children that loved their childhood and some that didn’t.
I would say it’s all about the parenting isn’t it!? And you’re a great mum so your daughter will be fine either way.

You really don't need to be thinking about this at the moment. Ignore what everyone else is doing, and just share where you're at with your DH every so often. You've still got a year and a half by his 'deadline', which is totally stretchable anyway. So much can happen in that time. After all, a year and a half ago you didn't have a baby and now look at your little one!!

Your baby is only 18 months and you’re young. You still have years to make this decision, so just relax and your baby for now.

I was 32 when I had my first, always knew we wanted 2 (I was also an only child), but we have a 5 year age gap. I had my 2nd at 37. It was perfect.

I got loads of one on one time with them, and we had years to catch up on sleep and date nights in between. And #2 was loads easier too, so it’s been a piece of cake having a 2nd.

But no way I could even think about it after only 18 months!

Thank you all for the responses so far ladies. I'm trying to go easy on myself. I just think I'll still be as anxious about the decision a year and a half from now. Sometimes I wonder if I should try to get an appointment with a psychotherapist! I did a year of therapy after DD for my feelings of anxiety and guilt surrounding my PND, it helped a lot now I feel like I'm back to square one. It feels so heavy. I was just looking at DH this morning thinking "I've got to make a decision here that is going to deeply impact our lives either way" and it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I think I can honestly say that if only child families were common I wouldn't be having this dilemma. Woke up a few times last night with a pit in my stomach thinking "I don't want to go through this again but everyone I know that hasn't split has 2 DCs..." I also worry about the potential age gap which just compounds it. I love DD to death and I'd never, ever trade her now that she's here but it's in times like these I fleetingly wish I'd have remained childless, I find this so difficult.

Leave having a second child for now. Dpmt put pressure on yourself. I'm pregnant with my second (I have a 15 month old) but I've always known I wanted 2. If you're unsure, it won't do you any harm to wait and see how you feel in a year or two! And my husband is an only child and says it was great. He had a wonderful childhood, his parents let him choose a friend to being on holiday each hol (he said better than being forced to play with a sibling!) and he is SO close to his parents now (much more than me; I'm 1 of 3). He also had many more advantages than me as his parents could afford it only having one! Definitely pros and cons.

@hannahsea, I realise this thread is a little old but I came across it, because I typed the exact concern into Google! I have a beautiful DD who will be 1 soon and my husband (1 of 6,) would like a second child; however I (only child) am just not sure for the exact reasons you have had. What did/have you decided to do? Thanks x

@Lady1066 same boat as you however baby is 8 months, I am almost 39, husband 41 and each if us has 1 sibling and are close to them. Feel a bit of pressure to decide if want to try again due to age. You had any further thoughts on it?

I had terrible PND op, and only just feel out of the woods and able to contemplate a second- and that's four years on.
Luckily you have time- there's no right answer, just enjoy the family you have for now, and see how things go

You don't need to make a decision now. If you were 40 plus it would be different. I agree see how things go.

I’m a similar age to you and only have one DS at the minute. I feel the same way. I have a sibling, my husband is a only. We both loved our childhoods, my husband said he loved that he got all the attention and that there was no fighting over toys etc as they were all his. He also said he sometimes wishes he had someone to play games with. Me and my sibling fought like cat and dog and we have never been very close - we have a 6 year age gap so that could be why, but I love her dearly and we had a fanatic childhood too. I couldn’t imagine my life without her.

One thing I will say which isn’t always the first thing that crosses your mind when you think about having children 😂 is…when you die if you only have one they will potentially have to take on the burden of sorting through your things etc all by themselves, or as you get older they will be responsible for helping you do things you can’t do anymore. I know from family experience, it’s a difficult burden to bear, and having the support of a sibling at times like that is a huge blessing.

Thanks @Needaholidayplease, glad youre feeling better with time and @Viviennemary yes youre both right, its too soon for me to even be tkhinming about it.

@SantasComingToTown this is where my downfall is and why I almost feel guilted into it. Company now and eapecially in the future if they are friends and also when I/ we age and eventually die.

Know I have to live in the now and count my blessings for what I do have and enjoy her now. Nothing in life is guaranteed and I have 2 friends atleast that are desperate for one child.
I am very lucky and need to live for today.
Your messages have been helpful.