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Am I the worst mother in the world?

11 replies

Toxicjuniper · 09/01/2020 20:03

Ok, so the titles a little over dramatic, but really. I've only been on mumsnet a little while, (not even a week) but I've already started doing the inevitable, and judge my own parenting against other people's.

So, some context. DD is 5, she's my first child, and we are expecting in July. I've never really followed any parenting philosophy, or really felt I had any idea what I was doing, and I've just sort of done what worked at the time. This wasn't intentional, but when I had DD I had just turned 22, as was DH, and in retrospect I probably wasn't ready for a baby. But none of that's really important. Anyway, my accidental pragmatic parenting rebellion has led to some not ideal habits.

Starting with screen time, I have never really regulated it. I let DD use the ipad, or my phone, or whatever is convenient, pretty much on request, which is too often if I'm being completely honest. It's definitely the easy way out, I won't denie that, but it just always seems so far down my list of priorities.

Next is behaviour. DD is on the whole very well behaved, but like most children she certainly has her moments. I feel that I'm really poor when it comes to dealing with them. I've never been strict at all, and I've never used any tools like the naughty step ect, nor have I ever smacked her. I don't really know what I'm ment to be doing in these situations. I normally try talking to her and explaining why her behaviour isn't acceptable, possibly calming her down if the situation requires. I've not got any set punishments in place, which means I often have to think on my feet. This tactic sometimes works, sometimes not.

The biggest thing however, is probably bedtime. We don't have/never have had a set bedtime routine. It's the same idea every night, bath, pjs, teeth, story, bed, but the times vary from day to day. When she goes to bed, I lie with her until she falls asleep, normally not long, about 10-15 mins. At some point during the night she will wake up, and she'll come through into our my and DH's bed. I don't try to stop this and never have, as long as she's not still doing it at 15, I'm not worried.

Lastly, potentially my most heinous crime, she still has a dummy. She is 5, and yes, she is probably too old for it, but honestly I'm not really that bothered. The rule is that she can only have one at bedtime, but that isn't always followed. The way I see it, like the coming into our bed, she won't have it forever so what's the harm. The dentist has mentioned that we should probably get rid of it, but at the moment it hasn't had much of an effect on her teeth, and she would likely need braces anyway due to genetics.

So I really suppose what I'm looking for is either, reassurance that I'm not ruining my DD's life, as she hasn't become a demon child so far, and/or some tips on how to make things run a little smoother. Thanks.

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Ilovelala · 09/01/2020 20:07

You are doing fine. Make a conscious effort to reduce the screen time , try to set a rough routine for the evening and try to include something she would enjoy. As you know the dummy does need to go though, dummy fairies took my daughters. My friend attached them to a balloon on the washing line and let her son take the peg off when he was ready to let it go. I'm not worried about kids in bed with us either, that's a personal thing to us all.

PityParty4one · 09/01/2020 20:13

The only thing I would say was not great parenting is the dummy and that's only because of the affects it has on the teeth.

Other than that there is nothing wrong with how you parent. It's not dangerous or neglectful.

Toxicjuniper · 09/01/2020 20:15

Ilovelala you're probably right. She's very attached to it so I've definitely been putting off, but if I can do it gently I'd be looking in to moving her on from it. The screen time is a work in progress, but as I said in my post, I really need to pull my finger out and do it.

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purpleme12 · 09/01/2020 20:23

My daughter had her dummy till just past 5 years old. (Only at night like you) to be fair we did take it away from her when she younger but she has awful night terrors all the time and literally the only thing that helped was the dummy back
But back to when she was 5 we actually couldn't find the dummy one night so no choice. It was fine the first night surprisingly then I found it but thought I couldn't go back on it. And the evening was absolutely awful. So hard to keep to it. The evening after she cried a bit but not too bad then it was all ok after that

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 09/01/2020 20:36

I was a lot like this when I only had DD1 I called it ‘winging it’ apart from the dummy and a bed time routine I pretty much was the same had all the time in the world with only her, I’m now a mother to three and we have a lot of set routines and structure, a schedule etc as I found it helped a lot without these I think everything would be all over the place with three DC to look after, as for having a certain way to manage different behaviours or the same discipline for certain things I found what worked with DD1 didn’t always have the same effect with DD2 or DD3 they are individuals and all different and I had to find what works for each of them best

Spied · 09/01/2020 20:46

You sound v.much like me when my DC were that age.
I did get rid of the dummy by 2.5yo though.
No special goodbye dummy ceremonies, just 'big boy/ big girl talksGrin. Was a while ago now but I can't remember any huge screaming matches about it.
Screen time is a huge problem in our house and getting worse as DC get older, wish I had set boundaries. Behaviour is also an issue as DC pretty much rule the roost which makes me feel I should have been a little stricter and not so laid back.
Certainly reap what you sow.

BonnyConnie · 09/01/2020 20:56

I’d suggest you don’t give your next child a dummy. We’ve never had issues with that purely because they never used them but stopping a child from doing anything they like us a right pain in the arse.

Ifihadapoundd · 09/01/2020 21:52

I could have written this! Thank you so much for saying this and making me feel like I am normal! I always find myself getting mum guilt when I read how everyone else's child is so well behaved or the have this routine and that routine. So thank you!

Toxicjuniper · 09/01/2020 22:11

@ifihadapoundd I know exactly what you mean. I appreciate I'm not perfect, but at the end of the day, if your child is happy and healthy does it really matter? Just keep the faith, you're doing great.

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Apileofballyhoo · 09/01/2020 22:18

Sounds fine to me OP, except maybe the screen time. You might want to look at peaceful parenting and AHA parenting websites. Sounds like your style. And you might get some ideas on how to deal with any sibling rivalry/prepare her for the arrival.

Namechange454 · 11/01/2020 16:13

Don't beat yourself up OP, there are much worse things in the world, as long as your DD is healthy and happy, I would relax.

As for the dummy, I'm struggling to get it away from my 4 run, so you are not alone.

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