A fresh perspective on my situation might be refreshing!
My child who is coming up to 1, is fortunate enough to have 4 sets of grandparents (3 on my husbands side). One set, my husbands parents, I feel as though they have treated me differently since our child came on the scene. With all our families on both sides, I have felt that we’ve shared the time together and enjoyed special moments, together. Together being a key thing. With my husbands parents, they are somewhat stand off-ish towards me and they make me feel unwanted/uncomfortable. I’m sure they’d be pleased if I wasn’t around when they visited. However, they are usually cordial enough (is this the best I can hope for?), but outwardly rude on occasion (father in law comes across as a bully on a few occasions)..... ultimately, there is a tension, never discussed because it’s difficult to pin point exactly what it is. Unless it’s as simple as their dislike towards me, which could explain it all.
To explain further, it seems that when I have a story to share of my child and I am a part of that story, they have no care to listen to it (unless it involves my husband, in which case they’re attentive to the conversation). I generally get ignored, talked over or sidelined in their conversations though, which I find incredibly rude and a testament to their poor judge of me. I do a lot with our child whilst my husband is at work so I also struggle to understand why they are disinterested, unless it’s purely down to my involvement in it (do grandparents get bitter over these kind of things?! I am the mother in this situation). Their disregard can be quite subtle in this way, but it makes for an uncomfortable visit when I know they don’t really care or engage in a conversation with me.
God forbid we ever mention my side of the family too (only one set of grandparents and one auntie that are actively involved on my side) it’s like they would prefer to believe they are the only family my child has. We see both sets of our parents equally though, but naturally I speak with my family over the phone often, so on physical contact terms it’s equal at least.
A trend has also developed on social media, to some extent pictures with me and our child get ignored, but pictures with my husband and our child comments, shares etc. I don’t share many pictures, so when I do it sticks out like a sore thumb. They also tend to only take pictures of my child with my husband in, and they are developing their own album. I assume that when they show these pictures to my child in years to come it will appear as though I am not present on occasions. They appear to be trying to isolate and exclude me in this sense too... I don’t know if they’ve done this subconsciously or purposefully, but it’s blatantly obvious and emotionally exhausting. Perhaps this is something I just need to work through personally to let go?
They have also shared their disapproval and judgement of some types of parenting styles in passing (I assume, another subtle blow towards me), but also on how their niece parents her son on occasion (at least it’s not just me). It makes me feel uncomfortable with how they might judge us behind closed doors, but more likely, they probably blame imperfections, parental decisions, keeping our home etc....wrong or different in their eyes on me.... because, of course, “they couldn’t be more proud of their son, delivering them their first grandchild” and I assume that anything imperfect would lay blame to me. Perhaps nothing is ever good enough to them, their children and now in extension their grandchild. I am speculating here, do you think some grandparents think this way?!
They have also made a handful of assumptions that I personally feel broaches the unspoken rules of respecting a parent. One being, making the assumption that they will take our child on a holiday experience abroad in a couple of years time, something I definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable with (1. I wouldn’t feel comfortable for our child to leave the country without us when so young, 2. I would want us to share that experience with our child as a family, perhaps with another sibling further down the line...). Again, we were never asked this, we were just told that is what they’re going to do because that’s what my husbands great auntie and uncle did and they are wanting to do the same..... I suspect that they talk about and mention other things like this a lot more to my husband that I am unaware of, I suspect purposely when I’m not around (something I intend to ask him about at some point, I suspect he’s not wanting to reveal how often this occurs because he doesn’t want to admit that they treat me indifferently and like I don’t exist). How can I ever feel comfortable around them when they exclude me in quite passive aggressive, but subtle ways. I intend to assert myself in the conversations next time as it’s not on.
Whilst this might all seem trivial to some (?), to me it’s an issue that isn’t going away, it’s caused tensions due to the uncaring aura emitting from them towards me. Along with my father in laws one-off nasty comment of being called “fat” and an “incubator” when I was pregnant, it feels as though that I was and am just a means to an end to them ( getting their first, and so far only grandchild ). I am speculating that I am likely seen as the disliked daughter in law that is to blame for all of my child faults, decision making (even if it’s words spoken through my husband), especially when things don’t suit them. Perhaps they fear me telling them no to things or perhaps they simply don’t like me or consider me to be good enough any longer.
We don’t see them often, but we host them for a weekend every 4-6 weeks or so and every single time it’s an uncomfortable and emotionally exhausting few day’s for me. My husband knows how I perceive this but is denial on their ‘dislike’ of me. In between visits, I used to send picture updates often, but following some advice that I was given, of giving myself space from it all, I stopped this. We still have a group chat open and my husband predominately sends messages now, which is very little and not often (just how he is). I am not responsible for my husbands relationship with his family after all, but I also assume that his lack of contact will be blamed on me... Distancing myself on the communication front has given me some much needed space though. Its made me realise that I am happier not being involved in this way.
How to improve these relations when in years past (8/9 years) we had great times I’ve no idea.
What can I do to improve this situation?