Partners parents won’t listening !

[Babygray2020]

I’m pregnant with our first baby, but ever since I told my boyfriends parents they’ve been awful. She’s offended she won’t be in the delivery, they make jokes at the fact they’ll just come in anyway. They seem to think baby will be with them all the time, when they live over a hour away and i don’t drive ( I’m also planning to breastfeed ) Also me and partner have made a point of saying after baby is born we would like a few weeks alone to get used to be parents and when ready visit people. That didn’t go down well . I decided not to have a gender reveal because they would ruin it and now decided I don’t want a baby shower because everything’s about them . The worst part is my partner used to be bike mad, along with his dad. Although the family argued about it all the time & his injuries were terrible, they take it too seriously and it becomes dangerous. So we’ve decided that’s not what we want for our son. Although his dad says otherwise. Makes jokes about putting baby on a bike, and I won’t mind . But I do, we’re the parents . How do I get them to listen . I feel like I’m being walked all over no matter the conversation. Every time they talk about things and go against what I say I get really upset

They are bullies and they are trying to control and sending message when baby is here theyl be in charge. Try not to stress, you are already aware of what they are doing and when baby comes be assertive..theyl soon get the message that your mum, your boss, if they dont like it they can piss off

At least you know not to tell them when you’re in labour. I would start to take longer to answer text messages, ignore calls and ring back after a few hours. Put your home phone on an answering machine and don’t respond to any messages. Because these people will start checking if you’re in labour every bloody day, nearer the birth date.

Thank you. It’s just so overwhelming to the point where I’m dreading giving birth because they’ll try and take over. Which is wrong for me to think that but it’s how I feel. Then part of me is trying to block it out and enjoy this moment & cherish every moment . I’m sure as soon as I become a mummy, I’ll just say how I feel and not care

Tell them your due date is two weeks later than it is. They sound like they'll definitely be checking constantly whether you've gone into labour around then, so buy yourself some time. Just tell them you had a scan and they recalculated the dates based on size as it's fairly common.

Don't tell them anything, if you want a baby shower just don't invite them. They can say they're going to have baby all the time but just ignore the comment and don't let them have baby alone when they arrive.

If you explain to the midwifes that they will try to get to you while you’re in labour and you don’t want them there, they’ll prevent them from coming in. But you must start laying the groundwork for the future with your baby or they will end up taking over. Be firm with them when they’re saying things you don’t agree with, regarding your baby. Don’t pretend to laugh it off, because they will view that as a weakness and manipulate it to their advantage. You need to do it starting now, otherwise it’ll be too late after the birth.

You also need to get your partner prepared to NOT let them take over when baby is born. He needs to tell them they can visit at x time for however long and then guide them out the door when you've had enough.
And build yourself up so you'll have the confidence to say 'I'm going to feed baby now, thanks for coming round' and taking baby back from them if they're being awkward and trying to take over.

My in laws are the same, when they come to visit or I'm in their home it's like I don't exist. They turn up unexpectedly and walk right in My house and take over the house when they are here. The mother couldn't shut her mouth if her life depended on it.

I've started making snippy comments here and there which has got their attention . Partner just sits oblivious to the fact his mother is a bully. She sat telling the neighbour the date she had them "booked in" for their first sleep over. I said sorry what's this I don't think so, as I didn't know anything about it and she lurched out her chair, eyes and nostrils flaring and said I'M HAVING THEM.

Next step for me is to start being cheeky to her, which her, the father and my partner will be horrified by but she needs put in her place. My twins are 4 months old and I've had enough.

Don't tell them when you are in labour.
Don't tel them immediately when the baby is born.
What does your partner say about their attitude to all this?

All men seems to be mummies boys, he doesn’t really understand or don’t know what their doing wrong really .

All men seems to be mummies boys, he doesn’t really understand or don’t know what their doing wrong really

No, OP, that’s not true. My husband comes from the stereotypical big Irish family and their mum was treated very well, although she was very traditional, (didn’t like us ‘living in sin’) she always treated me with respect. My husband would never ever accept anything less from her. Any hint of criticism from his family, including his mum, was immediately shut down by him. I come from a very different background to them so it used to be difficult for us to understand each other. The thing is, he really adored his mum, but he would never let her make me unhappy.

Your partner needs to realise he’s not living with his mummy any more and he’s a grown up now. He’s not going to be sent to his room for standing up to them. He can simply turn his back and walk away from any arguments, until they wise the fuck up.

@Laurenk474 Bloody hell! She sounds a right madam!

I’ve found the best way is to be polite but firm, so they get there’s going to be no discussion. As walking right in your house, keep the door locked and set some boundaries by not always being available eg tell them you’re just about to go out and maybe it’d be best if they text first so they’re not inconvenienced. Smile but be firm.

OP, how horrible for you. One good thing - they don’t live too close. I think you need to nip this in the bud right now. Don’t underestimate how tired and emotional you’ll be after the birth. You really don’t want to be dealing with people being pains in the arse then. Set the boundaries now.

Make it very clear they wont be in the delivery suite. As a PP said, change the due date in a believable way so they won’t be fussing about if you’re in labour every five minutes.

Tell them you’ll be emailing lots of photos after the birth but won’t be receiving visitors until you’re ready. Tell them anyone who turns up will just be ignored.

God, i hate pushy people like this!

God your in laws sound awful!
I though my MIL was a pain when I was pregnant but she was pretty tame compared to this.
You are the mum so what you say goes! Your DH needs to be on the same page as you with this. They visit at set times for set lengths until your feeling more yourself, the baby is not a toy and needs his/her mummy there’s nothing worse than baby being passed round all day then being cranky because they are overtired and overstimulated from all the fuss.
Don’t tell them when you go into labour, start now not answering calls and not replying to texts straight away.
They won’t be able to just come to the hospital, most post natal wards have Very strict visiting hours and the delivery unit will certainly not let every Tom dick and Harry in. You can let your midwife know that the only person allowed in is your DH though and update then as and when you feel ready if at all.
Is this their first grandchild? I think lots of new grandparents think they’re being helpful constantly offering to take the baby they’ve forgotten what it’s like to have just had a baby and that for many women the baby being anywhere but with them is the last thing they want!

I never understand the entitlement people think they have to be present for delivery. I get that some people want a mum or a friend ect in with them but for the majority of people they won’t want in laws watching them push out a baby, I know that would be my worst nightmare! This is one hundred percent your decision, they have no right to be present. Also, don’t be afraid to let staff know your wishes if you don’t want visitors especially in labor. You come first not them! Try not to stress to much about after baby arrives, but do make sure your husband is aware he should take responsibility for being gate keeper as such for visitors for you from his side, it’s very unfair to have you have to tell them no when it’s his relatives! Also you are entitled to peace, bonding time and recovery with your new baby, don’t let anyone tell you other wise! There can be a fine line between excitement for the baby and wanting to take over, remember you are the boss and if you say no it means no! I think things will work out just fine if you stand your ground, but I certainly wouldn’t be entertaining notions of people watching me give birth Outside of the essential audience ie dh and medical staff 😂😂

Stay firm and create some distance. PIL were awful when I was pregnant. Comparing parts of my pregnancy to their stillborn (which i appreciate was trauma they have chosen not to work through but christ it wasnt what I needed to hear when my pregnancy became difficult), they constantly went on about how DN had left her babies overnight at 6 weeks, told me bfing was selfish etc. I learnt to ignore them and create some distance. They now have DD 2 days pw whilst I work and I always facilitate them seeing her at least weekly but they have never had her overnight (shes 6 weeks) and actually they might have gone on about wanting to do xyz but they like their lay ins and nights out so babysitting on a sat night just doesn't work for them, nor does a toddler getting up at 5am! You are the mother, you are in charge and they either get on board or they will find themselves distanced further and further. Make sure DP is onboard but TBH you'll be the one on mat leave whilst he's at work so take charge and start feeling empowered. Equally, talk to your midwife and ask for no visitors on the ward. Let them turn up and waste their journey if thats what they want to do. I actually told people that only people happy to show me their genitals before I gave birth could be in the delivery room (no takers strangely) but then I ended up with a c section anyway.

That should say that DD is 16 months not 6 weeks!

They are behaving as if they are over excited. You are quite right about not having a gender reveal or a baby shower, Dont give them any information that you dont have to . They only need to know everything is going well. You need to be very clear you dont want hospital visitor except the dad and need a week to settle the baby in. This will be easier as they live an hour away. When you are ready invite them for a cup of tea and to MEET the baby, cuddle phot etc. It is up to your partner to control visitors, say you need a rest and to feed etc. Ignore the bike talk. Personally I would not tell them when you go into labour. Just anounce the birth. There is nothing new in this. It is a recent phenomenon grandparents polling into a hospital. Just state what you want and then drop the subject

Op I haven't read the whole thread but I had something similar when my lo was due. My mil is lovely, but she's used to being the first one at the hospital as soon as the baby is born. I was adamant I didn't want visitors, I felt like had been hectic and what I wanted was some time alone with my little family.

My mil was a bit upset - and that's okay, you have to let people have their own feelings about things - but we explained that no one would be seeing her. We agreed no pics or posts on social media until family had seen her, and the grandparents would be the first to see her and meet her.

I would have liked a good week to ourselves but my dad's 70th birthday was a couple of days after she was born, so we got two days, then had a few days of visitors and then we asked for it to wind down a bit again.

I appreciate your inlaws sound difficult, but make your decisions, be okay with others not being okay with them. Let people know you aren't doing it to offend but it's important to you. And then live your own life ❤️

Mine were always trying to control what I did. So they'd tell me not to find out the sex. My mum told me what names she didn't like on my list. She then said you are not using that. One on my girls list was Hannah. I thought it was pretty. She didn't like it and pulled a horrible face.

Both my parents were pissed off when I found out I was having a girl. They wanted a surprise. They told me I was wasting money having a 4d scan. My mum told me not to breastfeed! She said don't you bluddy dare feed it yourself! Comments on absolutely everything.

It's your baby. Your choices. Do it your way and ignore them! Don't tell them you are in labour. X