At the end of my rope with toddler DD hitting and biting me

[riotlady]

I’m hiding in my bedroom crying again because I just can’t cope with my 21 month DD. She hits, bites and scratches me every day. When she does it I will firmly say “no hitting” and if she keeps going she goes to time out in her room but nothing seems to be working.

She’s really clingy with me so I get nearly all of it. She won’t accept her dad going to her if she wakes up in the night and will scream for me. Sometimes she’ll hit me when I’m trying to get her to sleep so I leave her alone in her cot and she’ll scream for me until i come back, only to hit me again the second I do. So I have to choose between allowing myself to get hit or listen to her making herself sick screaming for me.

I would understand if she did it mostly in a temper/during tantrums but most of the time she just randomly hits out when we’re doing something nice together. She’s a lovely girl otherwise and actually fairly good at doing as she’s told aside from this, but honestly it’s making me dread spending time with her. Every time I get down on the floor to play with her or take her out to the park in the back of my mind I know she’s going to hit/bite me soon and sometimes it really hurts.

I feel like such a terrible mother for being so affected by it but part of me wishes I could just send her away until she’s through with this phase so I don’t have to deal with it anymore :(

Please does anyone have any advice?

I honestly think the hitting biting scratching phase needs a pavlovian response. So every single time she hits or whatever, straight to time out for 2 minutes. I am not a fan of time out in bedrooms as I think its too isolating - a corner or step with the key point being you do not engage at all. You can stay near to ensure they dont get off the step etc, but no chat, remonstrations etc. No drama. You hit, mummy takes you to time out and we dont talk for 2 minutes. And if you do it 10 times in one hour, then 10 times in one hour is how many times we do it.

Then, on flipside, at the first sign of control from the child, lavish praise. Well done for not hitting, you are such a good girl etc.

I spent about a week taking ds to time out and standing there ignoring him for what felt like entire days. Followed by another week of less regular buy still frequent trips. But it stopped. For me the key was making the decision to handle it a certain way and being 100% consistent until he learnt what would happen. He was and is a sensitive child so big punishments, lengthy time outs etc were pointless. Short, calm, consistent worked.

I used to do time out in the corner of the living room but she wouldn’t stay there so I ended up having to force her or her let her go. At least in the bedroom I can walk her in and shut the door without any physical force, and it gives me a second to calm down too.

Maybe I should stop the warning and go straight to time out every tine though, I have been wondering about that

When she's in her cot and screaming for you, do you think she is screaming because she thinks you've abandoned her, or is she perhaps screaming with rage?

I think it’s a bad idea to use her bedroom as a punishment space. You want her to associate it with happy relaxing bedtime

When I say rage, I mean frustration.

When she's in her cot and screaming for you, do you think she is screaming because she thinks you've abandoned her, or is she perhaps screaming with rage?

Because she wants me- she screams my name and her crying settles when i go to her, it’s just that she’ll then often begin hitting/scratching me again. She gathers a big chunk of my flesh in her hand and really digs her nails in, it’s so painful!

We never did CIO or anything so I hate leaving her to cry, but at the same time I can’t just sit there and let her hurt me?

I think it’s a bad idea to use her bedroom as a punishment space. You want her to associate it with happy relaxing bedtime

Yeah I worry about that too :( she mostly seems happy to play in it and goes to sleep ok (the crying/hitting isn’t every night, more like once a week) but I don’t want her to start to hate her bedroom. How do you get them to stay in a corner or something though?

She’s too young for timeouts. Pointless. I think
Just be very calm and put her down without making eye contact or getting excitable in any aH and say No scratching firmly and put her down without eye contact and walk
Away so she doesn’t keep doing it for a reaction. I think it’s like ringing a bell
For them at that stage. Mine does it too btw.

Mine is doing this, too, minus the bedtime.

I'd honestly just not go to her myself. She can cry it out, she won't die. But I'm pretty out there as a parent by British standards.

For my son, I set up a play cot/yard and every single time he bites or hits me, he goes into it. No emotions whatsoever. Two minutes later I'll go to him. If he does it again, right back in. One month later and he's hitting and biting a lot less. I think he does it out of frustration though.

@Rtmhwales yes you might be right... all the advice (here and in parenting books!) is so different it’s hard to know what’s for the best!