Parenting while grieving.

[Rainallnight]

My DF died 16 months ago. I just found out that my DM has six months or so to live (she’s been ill for a few years but going downhill very rapidly now). Both cancer.

Does anyone have any advice on parenting while grieving? I confess I found it very hard after my dad’s death - I just felt like I was going through the motions and that I didn’t have much mothering left to give inside me - and I’m dreading what it’s going to be like after my mum goes.

I’m already finding it difficult, tbh. I had a very difficult week with my DM this past week and felt myself getting very snappy with my 3.5 year old today. It’s not her fault!

Any advice gratefully appreciated.

I went to some bereavement counselling. It was offered through the Hospice my Mum got to move to in the last few days.
I never thought I was 'a person that would ever go to counseling' whatever that is but I found it really helpful. It was about taking a couple of hours a fortnight just to focus on me and to allow myself the time to work through my grief.

Grieving and parenting a toddler is hard. My DD2 died last year and both I and DH found it difficult not to be snappy with DD1. What I found helped was to be honest with DD1 when I was feeling more upset and relaxing rules a bit (i.e more TV allowed than normal on bad days). You have a lot to cope with its no wonder you don't feel as patient as normal.

I’m so sorry that happened to you, @Bluebelltulip.

My DC are 1.5 and 3.5. My 3.5 year old is a smart cookie but there are limits to her empathy and understanding!

I don’t know how I’m going to get through the coming months.

My dad died quite suddenly at the beginning of last year (my mum died many years ago). It was a real shock as he was a big part of our day to day lives, and a completely doting grandad. My son was almost two at the time and I completely relate to how you said you were going through the motions after your dad passed away. Slowly I started to thaw out and become a present parent again, but I do still get really upset about my son not having any maternal grandparents and I miss my dad everyday, but as time passes it gets easier - I know that doesn't really help in the short-term, but there is no other way to get through grief.

It is a particularly strange feeling parenting without having your own parents in the background and that takes some getting used to. Do you have a supportive husband/partner? I think having my DH to take up the parenting slack really helped me muddle my way through those awful few first months after losing my dad. I'm sorry you are going through this, it's a really difficult time x

Be sad in front of them, don't try to hide it - but make sure you explain why you're sad.

I was very snappy with my DS - perfectly ordinary behaviour would send me into a rage (I didn't rage at him), especially at bedtime when I was tired, so I'd just leave the room for a couple of minutes.

The first bereavement I wasn't snappy just low energy and very sad and I just muddled through, providing care but not with the usual joy. I'm not sure he really noticed, I still did everything. I was just sad while I was doing it. I'd imagine not all the time, and I did Christmas ok and all that. That was a sudden death a few weeks before Christmas. To be honest I don't remember much of the initial period or that whole year, I just got through it some kind of way.

The second death was cancer and it was horribly stressful, we didn't realise in the beginning it was terminal and then there was a month of dying. It was just awful. So I think I was extremely stressed out from it all too.

I don't think I've got any advice except try your best to make time for yourself as much as you can and do anything you can to keep your stress levels down. Crying is probably the best thing you can do to release pent up emotion. If you read or watch shit tv do that. A bit of escapism.

Have you got any support around where you live? Anyone that can take the children for a day?

We ate a lot of frozen pizza and sandwiches, steak and oven chips, that kind of food. I cooked broccoli every day and gave DS a bowl of fruit and chopped up veg most days. I remember at one stage I ran out of clean clothes so I think I was prioritising DH work clothes and DS clothes. That was during the constant visiting/dying period. So I clearly was doing the absolute minimum. DH must have been doing the cleaning because I definitely wasn't.

It's very, very hard. Just be as kind to yourself as possible and let anything slide that isn't essential. And cry.

It's so hard. My Mum died when my eldest (now 6) was 9 months old. I second the counselling recommendation- there's usually a priority list if you have young children too (well there is where I am).
As someone else said, the time to just focus on your feelings and just cry, shout, rant was really useful and helped to keep me going through the tricky times.

So sorry OP xx It’s bewildering as you are bereaved and also anticipating another bereavement.

I lost my mum when my second child had just turned 1 year old. We found out she was terminally ill when I was 37 wks preg. The last months were bittersweet as they were so incredibly precious, and so incredibly sad.

My older one was 4 at the time. Its a lot to manage in your own head along with the stresses of parenting. A previous poster hit the nail on the head about parenting without your own parents in the background. It is an adjustment and you have to be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

The things that helped me were having friends who also had lost a parent. They understand the trauma of illness and loss as well as parenting through it, like nobody else and they were gentle with me when everyone else had forgotten and assumed it was ‘back to normal’. Friends in the same boat also got me through the irrational resentment of fellow mums who had their parents fit as fiddles doting on the children all together at the park when my mum was sitting in oncology, or desperately ill or, as now, passed on. I didn’t want everyone’s mum to die if course, but I was just completely devastated about mine. Solidarity is a huge help as it helps you remember it is normal to feel overwhelmed, angry, dark, resentful, irrational and all the other many emotions which accompany grief.

Through it all, I was grateful to my little ones — although potty training when dealing with palliative care or when grief stricken is v v v v far from ideal. They are still little live, noisy tributes to their Gran who loved the bones of them. I tried always to remember what a gift they are, even when I myself was despairing of the situation we were all in.

I found that by being open about our situation, people who understand and had been there sort of appeared out of the woodwork as they got it, and they knew what to say and how to help. And also in the last 4 years I have been able to pay it forward to other mums who find themselves in this situation — which is cathartic in itself and helps dispel the bleakness of loss.

Strength to you my Mumsnet sister, for the road ahead xxx

That's so hard - I really feel for you.
My DF died years ago but my DM was a huge part of my DC's lives and it was a real blow to lose her, especially as we were all grieving.

I'd recommend getting a bit of help from your in-laws if possible or any aunts/uncles/friends who are around who could maybe take your DC for some 'fun' outings and give you some space.

Both my parents died in 2017 just weeks apart, I was pregnant and had 3 other children. I remember being really short tempered, and snapped a lot. I didn't cope very well. But I did sit down with my children and make sure I apologised to them each time.