I don't know how to parent anymore.......

[BaconAndAvocado]

DD's behaviour is just horrible. She's 11.

She is extremely rude, sullen and, at times, highly unlikeable. She is constantly on her phone. She very rarely smiles.

I've tried good cop, bad cop, ignored her, everything!

I know it's hormones but is it really meant to be this awful?

DS1, who has Asperger's, was just a breeze compared to this (he's now 22) and DS2 who is 13 is mostly a lovely boy to be around.

I never thought I would feel like this as a parent and I don't honestly know how to do this!

She is particularly rude and defiant with DH who seems to let her walk all over him at times.

I know it will pass, I just want my old daughter back and I don't know how to be the best parent I can be with her.

Help!

Take her for a hot chocolate, explain you're worried about her and ask if you can help. If that doesn't work describe how her behaviour is making you feel and the effect it's having on the family. Tell her it's not going to continue and that rudeness will be punished ( removal of phone etc.) Do it now before she actually becomes a teenager.

You need to check she's not bottling something up first and reassure her that you're there to help her, but that involves boundaries and consequences.

Thank you 45andfine that's great advice.

She started in Year 7 last September and the social side has, and still is, very up and down for her. Although, talking to other mums, I think it's the same for most of the girls in her year.

I also think she finds some of the work quite hard. It's a grammar school, she just scraped in and she's an August birthday.

We've just got back from a short break and I did take her phone away twice. Once for speaking extremely rudely to her dad and the other time for telling her brother to F off!!

It's unbelievable to think that this time a year ago she was such a different little girl.

We've got some time on our own this afternoon, wish me luck!

I wouldn't punish rudeness with phones or whatever.
She's old enough to be talked to. When she's rude, ask her why she's being like that. Challenge the behaviour. Ask her what she thinks it will accomplish. Ask what's bothering her. Ask how she'd feel if the family behaved like that to her. Keep demonstrating politeness and affection.
It's always a difficult time for children and parents when they need to establish their own individuality and independence.

If you go the route of punishment, where will you stop? It should only be for big things.

She's not the young girl you once had.

Shes not the young girl you once had

This is what I'm finding the hardest thing to accept.

You'll have to.
We can't treat our growing up children like we did before. They change.
Similarly, we can't compare them with siblings.

Try to spend time with her. Give her lots of cuddles and be available when she needs. Take an interest in her things, even if she brushes you off.

Is she given enough space, responsibility and freedom, age appropriate?

We had lunch together and had a long chat.

She said the reason she gets so angry and lashes out at her family is because of friendship issues at school.....thinking someone is her friend and then they "ditch" her. Not feeling she has a true best friend.

We talked about Year 7 and how it can take a long time for friendship groups to settle down. I reassured her that she's a lovely girl anyone would be blessed to have as a friend.

Is she given enough space, responsibility and freedom, age appropriate what do you mean by this?

I've started to let her go shopping at the local shopping centre with a friend whilst I'll be shopping there elsewhere.

She doesn't walk home alone. The one time she did this, she got a bit scared. Maybe once the lighter nights come in we can revisit this.

try to spend time with her

This has made me think......DH spends a lot of time with her as she's a keen footballer and he always takes her to training and matches.

She said today that she'd like to go Bluewater with me to,spend some vouchers.

Obviously the lashing out is wrong and she shouldn't do that. But it sounds more like a call for attention. She seems to be able to talk about her friendship issues, which is great, but she'll need space and time to do it. It's easy to forget to have one to one time when we have busy families, but they are important.
It could be just tucking them in at night and having a quick chat.

By freedom, etc, I was asking because some parents are somewhat controlling and children push to be able to be in control themselves.

I think it will be nice if you are able to share how you felt about your friends at her age. Not in a "in my time" manner, but to show that you can relate.

It might be worth looking at her attitudes and see if that's making an impact on the friendships, though.

I always spend time with her at bedtime chatting, cuddling etc.
This is often when she opens up about stuff at school.

Yes, I spoke about how hard I found friendship issues at her age today.

She's got an old Junior school friend round this afternoon and seems to be having a lovely time.

Hmm, not sure if I'm controlling.
I don't allow her to wear make up outside the house which most of her friends seem to do.

I'm quite relaxed re social media, she has Whatsapp and Snapchat.

I'm a secondary school teacher, I watch friendships change throughout the years they are at school. It's so hard on them. They're desperate to be popular but social media is difficult place to be so consistently. It's unbelievable what they see on there and think is normal.

Help her create her own identity, and support her ideas.

Ask to see what her friends ( in a friendly way!) are posting and find out what she thinks about it, don't condemn it, just discuss it and how she feels about it. Her dad and brother can also chip in and give their perspective so that she gets a rounded view.

Remind her that she can come to you whenever it all gets too much.

Do you check her phone?

Yes I do check her phone. There's an air of slight desperation around her, and her friends' posts/status.

E.g. Text me if you like me/don't hate me.

I was shocked when I saw this but they all seem to do it. I talked to her about not appearing so needy and that if somebody doesn't like you , it's not your fault.

I think I probably felt just as insecure at her age but obviously it wasn't put out there in the same way that social media does.

Her behaviour ( it's been less than a day!) has been loads better since we had our chat. I think she really appreciated us having the chat as she's mentioned it a couple of times to DH in a positive way.

DH is taking her to her football match today and that's usually a very positive experience for her; a different set of friends and it's something she's good at.

That's good. The difficult part is doing it regularly.
Particularly when they become more difficult, it's important to take stock and see what's going on.

As an example, DS got quite sensitive and snippy at me when he went through a more difficult time with his dad.
Sometimes he may just be tired, hungry, or may indeed have some complaint regarding me. Modelling good communication and trying to identify the root cause works well, rather than dishing out punishments.

The difficult part is doing it regularly

No, the difficult part is accepting that you're not always going to get it right!

Fair enough.

Although, I've made peace with that quite a while ago. I'm happy with doing my best when possible.
But then I am fairly realistic about what kind of behaviour to expect from DS too.

We've all had a great weekend. So grateful for everyone's advice.

Let's hope she's had a good first day back!