Baby is terrified of cot

[BuddingBaker]

Really want some advice here, apologies for the long post.

So, my little girl is 10 months old now and has always been a bit up and down with her sleep, sometimes sleeping through and sometimes waking for hours in the middle of the night. We have had months where she's settled fine in her cot but more recently she's been in the bed with us because of teething. Not a problem.

On New Years Day she had the tooth to the left side of her upper left front tooth erupt then the upper left front tooth erupt the day after. We were expecting it as she was really suffering with teething over the christmas period and would sleep from about 9pm to midnight then be up crying and fussing at her mouth until finally falling asleep again at about 5am. Not great, but we managed and found that co sleeping helped a bit. On Boxing day, my parents and sister were staying and my little one didn't nap all day because she was excited. She fell asleep at about 7pm but woke again at 9pm crying, my partner picked her up and she fell asleep on him pretty quickly which is normal for her when shes teething.

Ar this point, my mum insisted we put her back down because 'she shouldn't be sleeping on you, it's bad for her'. My partner and I dont agree with this but my mum has been criticising our co sleeping for months, telling us we need to leave her crying etc and didnt believe/accept that the crying it out method simply isnt for us. We put her down, and sure enough she was crying as soon as she touched the mattress. This is pretty standard when shes teething, she gets pretty clingy and generally seems to need the comfort of being held more which we prefer to giving calpol. I picked her back up and soon enough she was asleep again.

At this point, my mum asked to try and settle her to sleep in her cot, telling us we needed to let her cry it out and it was bad for her to not sleep in her cot. We reluctantly agreed and my mum took her upstairs. Within seconds, my little one was crying so I took a bottle of milk up for my mum to help soothe her and left her with my little girl gradually calming in her arms, gently rocking her. All fine. Within minutes, the crying started again and gradually got worse until my little girl was shrieking high pitched in between cries, clearly very distressed. My partner and I found this very difficult as we are quite laid back people and really dont like the idea of leaving our baby to cry herself to sleep, particularly as she has started getting separation anxiety and often cries and gets very clingy when one of us gets our coat on ready to go to work or sometimes even when we leave the room.
After about 10 minutes of this crying, I went up to check on my very distressed daughter and my mum was sat outside the room, smiling and saying she was 'putting it on' etc, hadn't even offered her the milk I brought up. This annoyed me a bit as I know my daughter and can tell when shes crying to get attention when when shes crying because shes genuinely distressed but I agreed to let my mum continue for a little longer and went back to my partner. 20 minutes later we couldn't stand it any more and went up, said it clearly wasnt working and then spent 30 minutes trying to calm our little girl down. She was very upset and clingy and didnt want cuddles with my mum for the rest of the evening.

She has since been sleeping in our bed because her sleep has been particularly bad thanks to teething. My issue is that I have tried to put her in her cot a few times now, sometimes for a nap and others just to play for 5 minutes while I get dressed etc and every time I take her near it she instantly cries, shrieks and absolutely hates it. She has never been this bad before, at her worst maybe ten minutes settled in the cot before crying, but I cant even put her in it without her getting very distressed and taking a long time to calm down afterwards. She genuinely seems quite upset by the cot but will happily sleep if we put her down in our bed or snuggled on a blanket on the rug. I'm worried that she is scared of being left again and dont know how to help her relax and feel comfortable enough to sleep in her cot again. Had anyone else experienced anything like this?

I'm meant to be taking my partner to london overnight for his birthday in march and had initially arranged for my mum to baby sit but she has told us that she 'wont have any of that nonesense' when she looks after our little girl and will leave her crying all night if she has to. My partner and I feel really uncomfortable about it but my dad and his mum wont be around to baby sit instead so I'm hoping we can get her comfortable enough to sleep in her cot by then, I just really dont know how to go about it. She seems terrified of it.

Why on earth let your mum dictate this

Why on earth leave your child with a woman who treats her like this

And for the love of God just give the poor child Calpol, it's totally safe and will give her some relief.

Seriously when you said you were planning to leave her overnight with your mum I thought it was for surgery or something, not an optional jolly! Poor baby.

I don’t have any babies of my own but I don’t think you should leave yours with your mom. I‘D take her at her word that she will leave her crying all night and I think it will traumatize your little one.

What a horrible way to treat a baby- no way would I leave her with your mum. No wonder baby is terrified of the cot. Take her to London with you.

Wow, your number one role as your baby's parent is to protect her. You should never have let your mum take over. Be your baby's protector and don't let your mum have her overnight.

You need to stand up to your mum because this will be one of many things she'll walk over you with otherwise. She'll ignore you when you ask her not to feed certain foods, take her certain places etc etc

I would find someone else to look after her, find a way to take her with you or cancel the night away.

My child was very clingy and hated the cot until we took the sides off when she was 14 months so you may have to wait a few more months to get a baby who may go in the cot occasionally

Your mother was definitely in the wrong, I do not understand why you pandered to her when your baby was obviously distressed. There's absolutely nothing wrong with her sleeping on you or in bed with you, it's normal and natural; leaving a baby to cry for anything more than a couple of minutes is quite cruel. I don't have to tell you all that though, you know it already.

Please do not let your mother dictate how you parent your child, she is wrong - and don't leave her with grandma while she is still a baby. In your place I'd cancel the night away, you won't be relaxed.

Your mum really does need to be told she is out of order, daughter will eventually sleep better and in her own bed but she is still very little atm.

Is there space for her cot in your room? If there is I would bring her cot right up beside your bed.. You could even sidecar it (look up on YouTube). You can gradually work on settling her in there. First step putting her in it when asleep but laying down on your bed next to her and leaving your hand on her. Good luck! P.s. My mum was also very adamant I should do cry it out. I understand how much pressure you felt. Learn from it and know not to give in (to your mum) again.

Your mother sounds very old school, i.e. of the school of thought that "the book says X". Babies don't read books. Please don't leave your baby with your mother, you can clearly see she will not put you DD's needs first.

Ok, the "cry it out" approach is just a different approach to parenting, but having a bottle of milk to hand and leaving a crying baby and sitting outside smiling about it, and saying the baby's just attention seeking is really troubling. It's downright cruel in fact. You and DH need to stick to your own methods of childcare and definitely don't leave your baby alone with your mother. Co-sleeping or having a child sleep on a parent (or any trusted adult, really) is not a bad thing, child is loved and secure and reassured and 10 months is still so very young.

Ditto pps. Don't let your mother look after your little one overnight

Also your little one is probably slap bang in the middle of the 10 month sleep regression. For about 3 months around 11 months old my DS hated his cot with a passion. I changed the mattress, changed the bedding, changed the temperature of his room, bought blackout curtains everything I could think of but he just cried and screamed for hours. The only place he would happily sleep was on me.

Fast forward maybe a month after that stint and he wouldn't go to sleep anywhere other than his cot and at 20 months old still won't sleep anywhere other than his cot (sometime in the pushchair if he's ready to pass out). Just go with it, their sleeping habits change all the time.

Why would you leave an infant in pain when you could give her paracetamol?

Also wondering if you know your baby is in pain why you would prefer her to suffer rather than give her calpol.
Would you suffer toothache and not have a paracetamol?
Also wouldn’t be leaving her with your mum if that’s how she treats her

Until your mum respects your parenting choices, don't leave your daughter with her, especially not overnight. You know your baby best, don't let anyone tell you differently.

My first hated the cot. He co-slept with us and then we went straight to a toddler bed. I definitely wouldn't leave your baby with your mum, she sounds like a nightmare.

Wow! Stand up to your Mum, give calpol when in pain, and don't leave your baby with your Mum overnight. Sorry OP but your post was difficult to read. Do what works for you and your baby not what someone else thinks. X

Your baby is clearly not ready to be left without you overnight. Always stick with your instincts regarding your baby and your instinct is telling you not to leave your baby with your mum hence your post. I am alarmed that your mother was smiling while your baby was in such distress. How will your mother react when / if your baby continues to cry all night and she is very sleep deprived? It’s not fair on either your baby or your mum.

Agree with other posters - don't leave your baby with your mum if she doesn't support your parenting choices.

But please give the poor baby some calpol! Does a cuddle help you when you have toothache or a headache?!

Don't leave your baby in pain. Give Calpol. Teething really hurts.
Tell your mum you won't be letting her mind your baby again. I'm a granny and it would break my heart to hear my dgs crying.
Your mum sounds a bit mean tbh.

I think YAB more U than your mum for not giving your baby any pain relief!

If I’ve got a toothache, a cuddle does not cut it. I want paracetamol +/- ibuprofen.

Your own issues (you ‘prefer’ to cuddle your baby) seem to trump your baby’s needs for pain relief. I just cannot get my head around it.

Your mum doesn’t get to dictate your parenting choices. You need to stand up to her.
To be honest I wouldn’t trust her with my child, she sounds like she gets a weird kind of pleasure out of a babies suffering.

I'm kind of shocked that it took 30 minutes of screaming before you stood up to your mum and stopped her.

I definitely would not be leaving her overnight with your mum. Find a different babysitter or cancel the trip.

First tell your mum to f off. She had her turn years ago and now it's yours.
Secondly you could try packing up the cot and put the cot mattress on the floor. I did this with my 11mth old as she hated hers too and she soon got the hang of it within 4 days (stopped rolling everwhere) and started sleeping through.

Don’t leave her with your mum. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t give her calpol if she’s in pain???

Maybe get a travel cot to have in your room if it helps or makes it more convenient.

Also, no person would be allowed to dictate what I do with mine.

Lots could change between now and March. It could be an idea like a pp said to have the cot in your room for a while. We had our cot side car-ed to the bed initially and I think this did help my youngest get used to it. (She's still in our bed most of the night at 19 months though! - It may just be the circles I move in but this seems fairly normal.)

Regardless of sleep I wouldn't want to leave my dc with your mum. It does sound like she's lacking in empathy in some way. Or at the very least wants to be 'right' at all costs. I wouldn't trust her not to undermine me about other things too. I had to deal with this to a lesser extent with my mum. It's hard at first but you don't have to do what she says anymore. Take her advice by all means, but it's up to you how you parent. Obviously as long as it isn't causing any harm to your child. I found it was hard on my mum when I didn't take everything she said as gospel. I think she felt it was her role to pass on parenting advice. But things had changed a lot since we were born and I was a very different parent.

My youngest seems to suffer really badly with teething and calpol/ibuprofen is really the only thing that works here. Ambesol liquid is good for inbetween too.