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Parenting

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Original poster

DD7 just SHOUTS all the time

22 replies

glowfrog · 03/01/2020 19:28

This is starting to really wear us down. Our oldest DD (7, nearly 8) is just so bloody loud. She doesn't shout in anger or frustration, she just seems to have a volume button stuck on MAX. Her hearing has been checked and it's fine. At school she's absolutely fine, although sometimes she might call out an answer rather than raise her hand etc but otherwise her teacher absolutely loves her.

Friends have noticed this (that she's unusually loud) so I don't think we are imagining it or Victorian in our attitude towards kids. Her younger sister (4.5) is no shy wallflower but still doesn't make anywhere near as much noise as her older sister.

Any suggestions on how we might be able to change this? Is it excessive physical energy? Even after busy day outs, she can be like this. And I've been at bus stops with her and other families, and she just makes so much noise while everyone else seems to wait mostly patiently and quietly.

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BF888 · 03/01/2020 21:39

I can fully understand, it can get draining. When did it start? Is there any chance she’s craving attention since she’s the older child? Maybe since people are acknowledging it about her she’s making it more of her thing to do.

Original poster

glowfrog · 04/01/2020 08:34

Ah yes, it's very possible it's attention-seeking somehow. I've tried to focus on giving her positive attention before but I probably need to redouble my efforts in that area. Thanks for replying.

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Selfsettling3 · 04/01/2020 14:36

When you say her hearing is fine does that mean you have had it assessed or you think it is OK?

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Ludways · 04/01/2020 14:45

My stepdd was like this, volume on max and no shut off button. She's 21 now and although she still talks loudly, she's turned it down a little and although she can still talk drivel with the best, she's silent much more often. This was a natural process, nothing we did could change her.
We now tease her about it.

I love her dearly but you do have my sympathies.

Original poster

glowfrog · 04/01/2020 15:37

@Selfsettling3 I guess we've not had her formerly assessed but she's heard us speak very quietly from around a corner and she can watch TV with the volume on fairly low. She's also always actively participating in class and shows no sign she struggles to hear her teachers or classmates. Is it still possible to an issue in spite of that? My step-son has terrible glue ear around that age and younger and it showed in the way he often seemed to be away with the fairies and would participate in things less because he didn't know what was going on - so that's our experience of hearing difficulties. He never shouted like this, either, mind you!

@Ludways good to know we are not the only one - and also that we are not terrible parents for finding it so hard to deal with at times.

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bagsofbats · 04/01/2020 15:46

We spent about a year telling our daughter she was shouting at a similar age, (she also jumped up and down all the time). She's 9 now and is able to moderate her volume better now but sometimes needs reminding she still jumps and wriggle though.

ballsdeep · 04/01/2020 15:47

My 8 year old ds is the same. He's definitely not looking for attention, it's just the way he is. Some kids ar ejust loud. I feel your pain though x

Original poster

glowfrog · 04/01/2020 20:34

@ballsdeep how do you cope with it?? I sometimes feel like I'm just irritated with her all the time and I don't want to be like that. Deep breaths? Gin? Earplugs? All of the above?

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2020yQy · 04/01/2020 20:39

I was a shouter it’s not until I’ve had my own very loud DC that I appreciate how intense it is.

Something that worked for me was my mum literally gesturing to me that my voice was too loud (grimace, hands over ears) followed by her ‘turning down’ an imaginary volume dial. The visual gesture connected to me better than her verbally addressing it.

I say to DC that he’s currently at volume 7, can we try volume 4 (we have an Alexa and he very much enjoys controlling the volume on that, so this works for him)

ballsdeep · 04/01/2020 20:39

Ha ha all of the above! It's even worse when he's on his games and headphones speaking to his friends! Argh!! I swear he doesn't need the bloody things, they can hear him a mile away! I just feel I'm constantly telling him to be quiet 😔 which isn't the best because it's part of his personality but omg! It's hard work x

2020yQy · 04/01/2020 20:43

Sorry pressed post too soon...

One thing I would say is that throughout my childhood I was very much made constantly aware of how loud my voice was and how irritating it was to everyone. I get it now (!) but as a child I often felt embarrassed and ‘weird’ and frustrated, as it was something I wasn’t intentionally or deliberately doing. It was just me.

cowfacemonkey · 04/01/2020 20:49

My DS can be loud sometimes not in an excessive high energy way just poor volume control way. When he's doing it I often speak to him in a very quiet voice and he seems to naturally bring his own volume down in response. I will also prompt him with "quiet voice" and he will adjust

Yorkshiremum17 · 04/01/2020 20:49

Our DS was very similar, we used to tell him every single time he was being loud and had to teach him to use his inside voice, by doing an exaggerated whisper do that he could hear the difference between what he was doing and what we were doing. It took patience and even now at 15 he needs reminding occasionally that we are did right next to him and not at the end off the garden. Some kids are just naturally loud and you just need to show them how to be quieter. It's a life skill that will make it easier for them later on.

Haworthia · 04/01/2020 20:52

Same here. I have an eight year old with no volume control, and I feel like I’ve spent the last five years asking her to stop shouting, daily, to no avail.

I’m not sure she’s neurotypical to be honest. She interrupts and talks over people, she repeats everything me or DH say to her younger brother (she’s more like his third parent than his sister - and again, we tell her DAILY to stop it but it doesn’t sink in), she makes miaowing noises constantly (again, we tell her to stop because it drives us insane and she does it again 0.3 seconds later ).

Sorry, that’s a bit of a vent! But I feel you.

LadyLooLaa · 04/01/2020 20:53

My DS is the same. Went round to a friends house today - all four boys (all 7) were like it too. It drives me mad but as my friend (mum of one of these boys) says, they are happy. It’s not a bad thing.
Having said that, the bit after the kids go to bed and everything is quiet is blissful.

HumphreyCobblers · 04/01/2020 20:53

Ds1 was like this. He was even an incredibly loud baby, if he cried it was always at max volume. We were always saying ‘indoor voice please’.

In his year six show he was able to sing loudly enough to be heard over a choir of forty children We are hoping that when his voice breaks we can have him trained for opera.

He is fairly quiet in ordinary conversation now, seemed to improve at about ten.

itsgettingweird · 04/01/2020 20:54

What I've found works with naturally loud children is to talk to them quietly.
So be engaging and show an interest but reply with a quieter than average voice so they have to lower their volume to engage back.

When my ds is talking loudly and with a loud voice I sympathise overly and ask him why he's so angry? Then when he says he isn't I ask him why he's shouting at me then?

Some kids are just loud! My ds is older (15) so I can now say to him he is shouting and I don't have to listen to that and give him a chance to quieten. He has asd though so doesn't really get intonation so it's a very long work in progress!

Goodwillzzz · 04/01/2020 20:55

For my ds I would keep saying 'remember to use your indoor voice ds'.

EmmiJay · 04/01/2020 21:28

My DD is like this. She scared the life out of an old man on the bus by shouting, "CHRISTMAS TREES MUM!" from behind him. Wanted the ground to swallow me up. I just remind her to calm it down abit (then she gets sassy and says "You calm down!") But she generally does dial it down after that. Kids!

Original poster

glowfrog · 04/01/2020 22:48

@2020yQy thank you for your perspective! I am acutely aware of how it might make her feel to have us tell her she's so loud all the time and I do hate the thought it could make her feel bad about herself. As others have said, it's probably part of her personality and so on, so I don't want to crush it out of her per se...

I hope you feel "ok" about it now, and don't have any lingering feelings of inadequacy.

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Original poster

glowfrog · 04/01/2020 22:50

@2020yQy sorry, I meant to ask - how do you handle your loud DC now? Or what strategy do you have to stay calm about it?

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Beamur · 04/01/2020 22:54

My DD had occasional bursts of loudness when younger - usually when v excited about something. One of my tactics was to be even louder (which made her laugh and aware of it without telling her off). Not suitable for everywhere

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