Am I being insensitive?

[Gemma747]

I was thrilled to become a first time aunt in January 19 and my husband and I co-ordinated our long planned move back to my home area so we were around to support my sister (we were previously 4 hours away). I have been trying hard to respect the boundaries she set and provide help as needed despite those offers being universally rejected. Ok, except that I also get a regular stream of messages about how much their sleep is disrupted and that they're really struggling, which is incredibly frustrating when they won't accept any help. My sister seems to have issues trusting anyone else with the baby, which I understand is pretty normal but he's nearly a year old now and I find that when I go over she won't let anyone else other than her husband or the childminder do anything like change a nappy or feed him. Now she's been back at work for a few months I thought that things would improve. I'd like to try and build her confidence in me but that's impossible when I'm not allowed to do anything other than watch. When I tried to talk to her about it she told me not to be so pushy and that no one else is able to help because they don't know the routines and wouldn't be able to get him off to sleep or get him to eat if they couldn't, followed up by I wouldn't understand, I'm not a parent. Am now feeling really hurt and not sure what to do?

Do nothing. I can understand it is hurtful but the harder you push the further back she will withdraw.

I think your expectations of your role as auntie and her expectations are different

My sisters brother and sisterin laws dont do my parenting jobs for my son such as nappy change feeding burping etc...I see them enjoy playtime with him instead.

Same with my nieces and nephews...I would be very happy to help any in any way but at the same time dont expect to do their role and respect their boundaries.

She sounds like a nightmare and I don't think there's anything you can do to change this.
Keep offering your help but it's up to her to accept it.
Seems a shame though.

Back when DN was born, I did do some of those 'parenting jobs' and changed nappies etc. The only one I didn't do was feeding until he was older, but that was because my DSis EBF so I couldn't really help with that!

At the end of the day, it is down to the parent how much they want help and she may end making a rod for her own back by trying to do everything themselves and not teaching others how to help, but you have to respect her decision to do that.

All you can do is back off for now, do nothing and don't offer to help and leave her to come to you when she is ready to get some help.

Oh, should say you are not being insensitive (actually she is for the 'you are not a parent you don't understand line'), but each parent is different in how they choose to parent and you just need to accept that for now.

Did you tell her you were moving back to support her? I’m not sure how I’d have felt about that. Are you usually close? Do you spend time together where you talk about her and not the baby?

The correct answer when someone says the baby isn’t sleeping and they’re exhausted is “that sucks, hope tonight is better”. Unless she asks for help you can assume she’s doing fine and wants an occasional moan about being shattered.

It’s not up to you build up her confidence in you, she’ll get there if and when she wants to.

I don't think you're being insensitive, but I do think you're being precious. You want a particular role as auntie that you're not getting - it's not for you to decide, it's for your sister and BIL to decide who does what with their child. Let it go, and enjoy the play time you get to have with your niece/nephew

She was well aware of why we were moving as she agreed we couldn’t easily build rapport over the distance.Before we moved we were talking on the phone a couple of times a week. That’s now lapsed as she asked me not to call cause I was waking the baby and getting the timing wrong. I’m not invited over for playtime because she’s often too tired to fit it in around both of us working. I didn’t ask to visit after seeing them in late August and waited until October before suggesting we met up.

She sounds a bit insensitive, but the first year with your first baby is incredibly intense. Imagine if she went to your office and tried to help you in your job here and there (assuming you have an office job!) I know it's not the same thing at all and you probably could actually make a difference to her, but that's probably what it feels like to your sister.

Could you suggest more things that are you & her with baby tagging along (e.g.going to family friendly cafe) rather than specifically asking to help with the baby?

At the end of the day there’s not much you can do, he’s her baby and if she wants to do it all well that’s her choice.

I will say ds is a little bugger, in the beginning with work etc I was always flying solo with him. Now he will not take a bottle from anyone else.. including his own dad. He might eat a proper meal but then again he might toss it n throw a fit. And he has to be beyond over tired to sleep for someone else. He’ll play with anyone and sit with anyone.. obviously I could tough it out and he’d survive he’s getting better with my dm, he’ll eat for her and if she drives him around he’ll sleep in the car . But I genuinely wouldn’t want to leave a screaming upset infant with anyone.. for their own sanity not mentioning that I’d have a cranky over tired child for the rest of the day afterwards.

Perhaps once he’s a boisterous toddler demanding to run wild it’ll be different. Who knows.

I do get her aversion to the phone ringing.. the only time that thing ever goes is nap time

It sounds like you've come across too eager and shes getting a bit overwhelmed. How old is baby again? She doesn't sound like shes been direct enough about asking you to back off a bit.

If I were you I would: back off a bit, text instead of call, stop offering to help, enjoy cuddles and playtime with your neice/nephew when you are there.

He's her pfb, as he gets older things will change.

Without sounding awful, did she ask you to move back to be near her and to do things for her?

You can't really tell how you'll feel before you have a baby. Having a baby is so difficult and intense and you have the utmost love, but also you often want to be with them the whole time. I know myself help can be lovely but really I just want my baby back most of the time! Your time with baby can feel so precious and like it's just zapping away so it can be painful to give them to someone else.

Also be so tight lipped on anything you don't agree with. Maybe sit with her and help out together but make it clear you take her rules and routines very seriously and baby always.comes back to her.

Also if you really want to help, cooking and cleaning tends to do it :D

You'll probably find she will relax as he gets older and a bit more independent, but don't expect this until he is 2-4 years old.

Her behaviour is pretty normal for a first time mum, sleep deprived and trying to focus on a routine as any deviation will result in a screaming sleepless baby! You wanting to be more involved is admirable, but you need to be patient and wait until she is ready.

If you want to help offer with shopping etc and hopefully you'll see your dn for a bit when you drop things round for her.

No, she didn’t ask me to move back, but agreed that it would be difficult to be involved if we stayed put. Offers of help have included cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping etc and providing a sympathetic ear when she complains our Mum is telling her how to do stuff. She told me yesterday that she doesn’t want the help because I didn’t listen and the first stuff I did in the first few weeks I got wrong. I pointed out that she never told me I’d got it wrong and she said ‘no, what’s the point cause you didn’t listen’ Am left feeling that it’s less my listening and more her not communicating. Still, I’ll keep working on my clairvoyance skills