I've become a bad/lazy mum and I don't know how to change!

[Anon8253]

I am a mum to three kids, their ages are 7, 3, and 2. After the birth of my youngest, I suffered with severe depression and later diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, generalised anxiety disorder and depression. I've spent a year in therapy, my partner left his job to take care of me which was a big change as I used to have the kids from 7 am to 7 pm most days, these days I never have them on my own. Now my therapy is finished, I'm trying to get myself back on my feet, my main goal is to be way more independant, I have become very reliant on my partner, I struggle on my own now.

I get very low as we rarely take the children out except for nursery and school. I actually can't remember when the last time we did anything outside was, I despise taking all three kids out especially if I am on my own. Getting them all in the car is a battle in itself, by the time I get tot he destination, I am a sweaty, stressed mess and it doesn't feel worth it. I feel like I don't spend much time with the children at all, I do their school reading and books before bed but I find most the time, tv is on and they're sat watching it.

This wasn't how I had parenthood planned out, on my first, it was fantastic. We would go out, I'd socialise but now I leave the house once in a blue moon, I do struggle with agoraphobia but I do have safe places I can take the kids, it just seems like a battle I can't win.

Am I failing, am I truly that bad of a parent? Sometimes the thought of bathing them is enough to send me into tears because i'm exhausted. God knows why, I don't do anything but I'm still exhausted. I don't know how to become a functional human again let alone a good parent, I feel like the kids will hate me. I hate me. I'm sat in tears because I know what a let down I've become :'(

I don't really have any advice, but struggling with my MH which has resulted in not leaving the house with my DC.
Have you got a park within walking distance to start off with? Or somewhere else that avoids the stress of the car?

It sounds to me like perhaps you need a bit more ongoing therapy? Are you on medication op?

We have a park directly across the house, it's quite often too wet from the rain or I just haven't taken them over there. Pure laziness.

I've taken my eldest for a scooter ride today and played with the younger two. I've been up since 4 am with my youngest and I'm tired.

I doubt I'd be able to get any more therapy, I was lucky to get what I did have on the NHS due to all the cuts. My cpn is signing me off in January and I'm looking forward to it as it's been a rocky relationship. I'm on meds for my anxiety, I don't find any medication all that helpful. Dbt has been the best so far

I know it sounds daft but energy generates energy. The longer you stay in for the less motivation you will have , the more you move the more energy you will have. Kids don't mind the cold if they are dressed up warm . Aim to go out every day even if it's just for half an hour to start with and then build it up.

I think what pumpkinpie says is right. I realise that mental health issues will make it harder but you've got to force yourself out. You don't have to get in the car. Put their wellies and waterproofs on and go stamp in puddles in the park for 30 mins. They will love it.

Do you have enough money to do one class or structured playgroup a week, where you have to pay for a term in advance? That sort of thing motivates me to go as I don't like the thought of wasting money!

It's definitely a goal for me, I don't think I'll set it to every day as that's a bit much for me and my agoraphobia but I will try every other day, even if it's just a walk around the block.

Right now money is very tight so that's not an option but I'll keep it in kind for when money isn't so stretched xx

I think you need to be very kind to yourself, you’ve been really poorly and yet you say you’ve been up since 4 (and are up now again when it’s super late), you have taken your older one out and played with your two little ones, it sounds to me that you are doing so so well and should be proud of yourself.

Don’t worry about the big hump of dealing with all three together maybe just yet, enjoy them one on one or one on two, I bet they love having mum’s attention, everything might seem a little brighter when the weather improves and the park seems a bit more inviting but agree you can just go over and jump in puddles etc.

Really best of luck, you have come so far. Xx

You're still depressed. You are not a bad Mum. Can you ask your GP to try different meds?

When things are not good with me I just can't summon the mental energy for basic stuff, putting on a load of washing seems difficult. DS having a bath seems difficult. Grocery shopping seems difficult. Even the idea of doing any of those things.

It's not you, it's whatever is going on in your brain.

@pumpkinpie01 is spot on, exercise of any form is the only thing that helped my DH (long time ago now) and fresh fruits and fish.
Can you all go for a walk around the block tomorrow - take a list of things for the youngest to find (stick, cone, spiky leaf etc.) and/or stop at corner shop for pack of crisps or magazine each?
Fresh air is also a winner if you're tired. I imagine the anxiety meds are making you feel tired too.

It's currently gale force winds and rain here so i don't think we will be out today anyway. I've tried so many different medications, none work and that's probably due to bpd being untreatable by meds. I feel like such a bad mum to my kids, they deserve the very best and I don't think I can give them that

Is there anything you think you would like to do today, op? Challenge yourself to something tiny. My mh has at times prevented me from doing what I feel I should be. Maybe target yourself to reading a book every morning at 9am? I couldn't quite see from your op just how much you are able to do with your kids at home, sorry.

I'm hoping today I'll get the paints out and have a painting session with the kids or maybe Lego? Idk, I haven't slept yet and my mind is all foggy. I want to see the doctors today, I'm hoping they will give me some diazepam to help calm me

Do you have anyone to help, other than your husband. Just to help get the dcs coats on and see them across the road.

I know someone who pays for 2 hours a day “mother’s help”. She helps get the dcs ready to go out, then while they are out, she does a quick tidy up and gets the tea ready
She isn’t a cleaner or a nanny, she’s an extra pair of hands, restores a bit of order and provides moral support.
It was a fairly normal thing in the 50s and 60s.

Three kids are hard work for one person. Try to be gentle with yourself.

I really feel for you and the fact you’ve identified this is positive. Agree with the others about getting out. Find different reasons to go out e.g. leaf hunt, visit particular place, walk to shop to get a little treat for them, post letters, take a toy for a walk etc.

Have you told your GP how you're feeling right now? You mentioned asking for diazepam for anxiety but have you discussed the fatigue? I'd suggest doing it (and again if you've done it recently). It's not normal to be that tired. It could be the meds, it could be low vitamin D or iron, it could be the depression, it could be your thyroid - or possibly other things I've not thought of. The point is that as long as these things haven't been ruled out, there could be something that helps you.

Also you're comparing managing 3 children to what you did with your first. I think that's extremely unfair on yourself. Managing one is far, far easier than managing 2 who are 2&3 - and I don't have three so can't speak to that but from looking at friends who do, it's hard.

When my two were 1&3-2&4 honestly it was a nightmare. I was utterly shattered. Felt like the shortest mother on the planet because I wasn't painting and baking bread with them, singing lots of songs and doing whatever perfect mothers do. I was also exhausted (thyroid problems), and looking back I think those ages are incredibly hard. You're interacting with people who can't actually interact properly, they've not developed the ability to see anything from another's point of view, they're extremely demanding and yes, getting them outside the house is like herding cats! It's simply bone grindingly hard.

And while it's exhausting, it's made much harder if you have another thing making you tired too. So don't beat yourself up about being a bad mother - you're not, you're just tired. And it's worth checking to see if there's anything else adding to that.

This is already long so I'll post a second!

So re the foggy mind bit, whatever is causing this, lists are your friend! The stress of forgetting this makes you (me) remember even less!

I'm wondering too if you have full waterproofs for the kids (and you?). Waterproof trousers over wellies mean you can go out in any weather. Lay out (or put in bags by the boots) the outdoor gear they'll need the next day. Have any snacks prep related in a bag so you don't need to think about that whilst dealing with the herding cats part of getting them out the house. Get the 2 year old ready and strapped in the buggy, the 7 year old can do themselves and then you've got the 3 year old. Then go out to find puddles to jump in, or to see how fast the wind is, or see if there are any waves from the wind in the pond/ lake etc. It doesn't need to be long or expensive or be far away. You mentioned driving - do you always have to drive everywhere, can you walk around your neighbourhood or area? The car part is an additional stress!

When you get back, they can watch TV while you have a cup of tea.

Things you can do inside that add a little but not much work are having a "picnic" - lunch on the floor with a picnic blanket or table cloth on the floor (7 year old can help set this up!). Don't do anything Pinterest worthy, literally sit on the floor eating lunch, but call it a picnic because of the blanket.

Making scones for afternoon tea (not many ingredients and hands can go into mixing). Wash hands, then TV.

Audiobooks can also be a good, whilst drawing or doing something else.

Cuddle up under a blanket and watch TV together - even if just 15 minutes.

BUT factor into each activity that you get a break afterwards and they can watch TV. You need to build in breaks so you know you'll get them and if that means they watch more TV that you like, then so be it for the moment.

And when I mentioned lists above, list all these sorts of things to do and then what you need for them. Then you don't need to spend time thinking when you're exhausted, you just follow the list.

You're running on empty. That's not being a bad mother! Don't compare with your first because with one you only manage one persons wishes and your relationship with them. When you add just one other child, you've got then two sets of expectations to manage, plus your relationship with each of them plus their relationship between one another. Add a third and it's really a lot more psychological work.

OP you really don't sound like a shit mother. You sound absolutely exhausted and depressed. Please go to the GP to make sure there is nothing else physical going on

You're not a bad Mum, you really aren't. What meds have you tried? How long did you give each type? Some people find combinations work for them, my DH is on 3 different meds.

Also have you had any blood tests done recently for iron, B12, vitamin D, thyroid, that kind of thing?

It's not you, it's medical.

Sorry if this has been suggested upthread but trying to take all three children out sounds like it is stressful and overwhelming task. So why not break it down into smaller, simpler to manage steps?

I would aim to take one child out at a time. Theres no rules saying you need to take three out at once.

You could take DC7 to the park for an hour on a Sunday, DC3 to soft play for an hour on a Wednesday and DC2 to a toddler group for an hour on a Friday? (For example)

Meanwhile, your DH looks after the other two?

Sorry if you've already tried this x

I would put three bags of sweets/ 3 biscuits/whatever in my pocket. I'd get them sorted to go and I'd say 'let's get to the park now and you can have your treat as soon as we are there.' That keeps them focussed on getting there with no hassle to you. Then just let them play for half an hour. Don't make excuses , just do it. Even if you don't feel better when you come back, you won't feel worse that's for sure and it's good for the kids

I would just do what you can to get them out. Even if it’s just the park near by. I’ve just spent two hours w my kids and the dog in the park near by even though I was exhausted and freezing cold (have 3 week old baby who feeds every two hours day and night ). And I don’t like going far as well. So I mainly take the kids to shops near by and park (walking distance) and I let them run around the park etc. It’s important for them to get out a bit and get some exercise. Even if it’s just a short time. I thought we would go just 30 mins but we bumped into friends and ended up two hours. Now I’m curled up in the couch by the fire w a tea and breastfeeding, waiting for dh to come home so I can take a bath in peace!

I'm a single parent to 2 small children and it is exhausting. I cant imagine having 3!

I'd say take baby steps OP. The idea of taking treats to the park is a good one. I use bribery a lot.

In general I am trying to be more present. So we play a game (board game type) lego, make biscuits/cakes (get a lot if you can to do it from scratch, they still enjoy it!). Or buy gingerbread men and decorate.
Make their own pizza, buy bases, put tubs of grated cheese, ham, sweet corn, pepperami etc out.

Colouring, making a card for someone a birthday. Watching a film together. So many things that could be quite easy, but that children love.

First of all....I think you need to be a bit kinder to yourself! Im a teacher and I think it's fantastic you do their school work and reading with them, so many parents don't! Also I'm a single mum to 1 2 year old and I feel the same about leaving the house. It's such a stress when they are so young. You have to take so much stuff with u and be prepared for everything. So I plan nice things to do at home, painting, colouring in, baking simple cakes, playing make believe with toys. I find this often much more fun for both of us.

I suffer with anxiety, I had counselling and I remember my counsellor saying it's not what your doing with your kids that's important, it's just that you are spending time with them. So I take a much more relaxed view on it now.

P.s my TV is always on! Doesn't make me a bad mum. I like the noise of it.

Thank you everyone for your tips and advice, I'm really greatful. You've all been really kind. Im not in the right place right now but hopefully I can get to where I want to be at some point x