Help me refuse MIL's offers of "help"

[JonnyPocketRocket]

My DS was born 6 weeks ago and in the first 2 weeks my MIL was super helpful, coming over a couple times a week to watch him while DH and I napped/ caught up on other jobs. She absolutely dotes on him, which is lovely, but her parenting style is quite different to mine and she's been offering since he was about 3 weeks old to babysit for a couple hours so I can go out and do various things that I've expressed no interest in doing - dinner with DH, a trip to the cinema etc. I feel like 6 weeks is way too young to leave a baby but am running out of reasons to politely decline. When I say I'm just not comfortable she says things like "oh I remember how it is, having separation anxiety when you first start leaving them!". Yesterday she told me she can watch him while I go to the cinema with the rest of the family on Saturday, and that she's offering now so I have time to get used to the idea. (But that there's no pressure ) Am I being crazy to think that my position is quite sensible and normal, and calling it 'separation anxiety' is an unfair jibe?

We're also currently staying with them for a week and she keeps physically lifting him out of my arms saying 'helpful' things like "oh I can wind him for you" or, last night, "go enjoy the fireworks from the garden; I can stay here with him".

She's generally a lovely woman and I think well-intentioned, but I want to be with my sweet baby FAR more than I want to be in a restaurant/ at the cinema/ watching the fireworks! I feel like she's a bit dismissive of my parenting style (which is a bit "crunchy" and attachment-y) as a PFB phase that I'll get over soon enough. DH has offered to speak to her but I don't want to make a big issue of it as I've only recently gotten to the point of having a good relationship with her. What can I say that acknowledges her good intentions, but simultaneously communicates "back the fuck off", in a breezy, "I'm confident in my parenting choices, definitely wasn't up at 5am overthinking this" way?!

He's her first grandchild, if that makes a difference, and DH and I have been married 10 years, so she probably feels like she's been waiting a long time and now wants to make the most of grandmotherhood.

Just talk to her directly. She sounds like she is thrilled to be a new grandma. Tell her you understand that and am very grateful for all her offers but then firmly and kindly assert your boundaries whatever they are. Don’t let her take the baby out of your arms if you don’t like it. Talk to her when the baby is sleeping and not in the room. Explain that you are very uncomfortable with her doing that and can she first please ask before she takes the baby.

I have a strong willed MIL, I just rise to the challenge and present a strong and determined front, while hopefully being kind. No need for WW III. Just match her in will power and don’t wimp out. No need for her to dominate you unless you let her.

Start as you mean to go on. Set your boundaries.

Firstly I think you are a lovely dil.
Being a Granny myself I would guess that your mil is reliving all those wonderful feelings of having a new baby around and whilst she is trying hard to be tactful she's slightly missing the mark.
Just sit down with her when lo is napping and reassure her that when you feel ready to go out you will ask her to babysit. You don't have to have a reason to decline.
Also tell her 'I love holding dc when he's all warm and sleepy' and if mil doesn't get the hint say 'I'll hold him for now mil, were both comfy but I'll pass him over when I need the toilet/ a drink.

I cannot emphasise enough the wonderful feeling of being a grandparen't there is nothing like it in the world. I'm currently sharing my bed with sleeping 7years old dgs who seems intent on putting his foot in my mouth! And i wouldn't have it any other way.

'I'm so glad you love him as much as we do, and we would love for you to babysit in the future, but at the moment I don't want to go out and leave him. It's not separation anxiety, I just like being with him. It will change over time but not for a while! If it's ok, we will ask you at some point about babysitting? Thank you!'

I wouldn't be too harsh as it would be great to have her do these things in a few months, we don't have any childcare and it is hard!

I would poo it a date in the diary, maybe book tickets for something? So you can say to her you have her lined up to look after baby for that evening but for now you're happy just as it is.

Book not poo

She sounds lovely, please treat her kindly. You are very, very lucky to have her.

I get you, my MIL is lovely but she can be overbearing and always thinks her way is best. In addition, we are from different cultures so she sometimes thinks I'm cold and pushing her away (eg she loves to sit on the sofa holding my hand while I would rather cut my hand off than ever do that.)

I am just stubborn and say "it's ok" while smiling constantly, eventually she gives up. And my husband sticks up for me which helps.

My mil tried to make me go out for dinner while she babysat my FOUR DAY old daughter. It only got worse from there...

I wish I'd had a lot more backbone from the start

Re cinema, tell her you’re happy going to the mother and baby screenings at the cinema (they’re great!). Just say, oh I’d rather not be away from him when he’s so little but thank you so much for the offer. And repeat.

Ahhh congrats op. It is a lovely period in your life. My children are all grown now and I can see me becoming a doting Grandma when the time comes - it'll be you one day.

I think she sounds besotted, what a lucky little boy you have. I'd think I'd be honest and say that you're simply not ready yet. Please try and let her have special time with him, when it suits you - that time will come.

Congratulations again and a happy new year, exciting times ahead for you and your family.

Thanks for all your responses. I hadn't even considered timing but good idea to do it when the baby is napping elsewhere.
I really don't want to alienate her - my mum has a terrible relationship with my paternal grandma and that complicates everyone else's relationship with her, so I'm very keen to avoid recreating that dynamic. And I realise I'm fortunate to have a MIL who's healthy, supportive and nearby so don't want to take her for granted. I'll try and just be honest, and get the balance right between kind and assertive, without being aggressive.

Thanks for the tip about mother & baby screenings, @BowiesJumper. They weren't on my radar but I'll look them up. Maybe I could even ask MIL if she wants to come (I'm sure she'll volunteer to skip the family trip on Friday and stay home with me and DS 😏)

@WatchingTheMoon and @ScarlettBlaize, WTF? Holding hands on the sofa (!) or leaving baby at four DAYS is a whole nother league of batshit!

'its not separation anxiety at all I'm thoroughly enjoying my gorgeous baby and much prefer being with him than doing any of those other things right now but will let you know when we need babysitting thank you" said with a big smile

Repeat as necessary

@JonnyPocketRocket The holding hands thing is just a cultural difference but it makes it harder to draw other boundaries because she always feels I'm pushing her away anyway. It's hard sometimes.

Success, kind of! MIL lifted baby out of DH's arms today and he said, "mum, stop it, you can't just grab the baby!". She said, "I can't? Right, no, sorry. Not my baby." I guess it's easier to be forthright with your own parents! And since then she's only done it once.
And FIL went ahead and booked the cinema tickets, then told me he'd "committed me to going". So I said "Sorry, I didn't realise you were booking today. I'm not going to go. DC is still so new and small, and right now I enjoy hanging out with him more than I enjoy going to the cinema." He looked quite hurt and surprised but accepted it and when I told MIL later and she tried to change my mind he stuck up for me.
Thanks for all your advice!

then told me he'd "committed me to going

Outrageous!! Well done on not folding. They sound a bit devious but looks like you both handled it really well.

Just keep being polite but very firm about what YOU want and when they realise you can't be manipulated they'll back off.

If this is your first child, at six weeks old I highly doubt you have a "parenting style" just yet...

You sound like an ungrateful cow. I also have a 6 week old, not my first. What I'd give for a bit of support like that.....

Annie bitter and unhelpful. Just because you don't have a style doesn't mean other parents also don't. Stop projecting your issues on OP they're irrelevant here.

It's interesting that there's currently another thread from a young single first time mum who's really struggling with her baby and would probably kill for a MIL like yours. It just shows that every new mum / MIl relationship is different.
When my DD had my first grandchild, I was extremely wary of two things. Firstly, of being seen as overbearing. My DD is very independent and not one to ask for advice on anything. However, this has really changed as a result of her pregnancy and subsequent becoming a mum. Secondly, of her developing PND,which I had when I had her. I thought I had to 'do it all' and even my DH wasn't aware of my mental state. Inside, I was going crazy. I ended up with a diagnosis when DD was six months old, and it took another year to recover.
Your MIL sounds lovely, and is only trying to help. You didn't say if this is her first grandchild or not. It may all be new to her too.
As others have suggested, sit down with her and be honest. It doesn't sound like she's purposely overstepping the boundaries, but to be cross with her when she doesn't realise it's wrong isn't really fair.

@annielennoxstuckinmyhead, wow, what a horrible comment! OP doesn't sound ungrateful at all. She just wants to set a few boundaries. No need for name calling.

I found my MIL (and mum!) a bit much to start with, but after that initial new baby phase I was delighted to hand DD off to go out. Trust me, there will come a point! She now (13mo) has her four days a week during term time while I work (teacher) and will happily do the odd overnight when we go out. DD adores her and FIL and their bond really is something to behold. Even though our parenting approaches do differ, she respects my wishes always.

I could never have seen myself saying this at 4/5/6 weeks in but I think if you can gently explain that you’re savouring the snuggles now and will be handing baby off soon enough maybe she’ll understand.

I was the same as you op at 6 weeks, couldn't bear to be apart from baby until he was about 1 year old. Now I happily ship him off to MIL

Ahhh well done, I don’t think they are trying to be overbearing it just sounds like she’s totally in love with your baby :) gently consistent boundaries and it will be fine. I had huge anxiety and was desperate for naps in the day knowing my DC were safe in a pair of arms, so many people want different types of help and i think if you keep gently going the way you are you’ll be able to show/ tell her what it is that YOU actually helpful. You sound like a lovely DIL and mum by the way :)

I'm sorry, but she does sound ungrateful. Her in laws only care. Some people don't have that kind of support or nice in laws, I think some people don't realise how lucky they really are. Maybe OP should have a read at some of the other threads on mumsnet.

That’s a shame that you think that having someone snatch your infant from your arms despite being told not to is ‘lucky’. What a low bar.