Overweight adult daughter with no confidence

[Claraclara12]

My 21 year old DD has been gradually putting on weight since she was about 14. I think she is very unhappy about her body ever since she developed a large chest and is hiding herself away. She is in final year at uni and plays some sport but I get the idea that she is becoming increasingly unhappy about her situation. It breaks my heart but I don’t know what to do. I once spoke to her about her weight on health grounds but she was defensive and it just didn’t work. I kind of feel that if she weighed less she would feel more confident about herself . I try very hard not to mention it but I see her overeating and want to intervene. What would others do? Intervene or say nothing?

I would say nothing. She’s at an age where she will be aware of her weight (and if she is overweight or not) and how to combat it - if she wants to. Intervening is only likely to cause problems between you, insult or upset.

Has she actually told you she is unhappy with her weight/size or are you assuming?
Honestly I would say nothing, if she is feeling down and has low self esteem she will hear your words as a put down, not as support.
I’m not for a second saying you’re like my mum but I put on a bit of weight when I was 20 (didn’t bother me at all!) and my mum intervened, I’ll never forget her patting my tummy and saying ‘we just need to get rid of this and you’ll look much better’, she filled a fridge shelf with low fat options and that was ‘my’ shelf..there’s lots more and 20 years later I still have massive insecurities with my body.
I was deeply unhappy at the time but for a completely different reason but she couldn’t see past a fat daughter to notice anything else.
I’d let her know you’re always there if she needs you but don’t relate it to weight.

Don't say anything about her weight, she is well aware of it and you don't helpfully need to point out anything - it will just make her feel worse about herself. Just make sure she knows she is loved, if she wants to talk to you about she will, otherwise she is an adult and her weight isn't your business.

She is well aware of her weight.

Your job is to support her and never mention it, unless she brings it up first and asks you for your advice.

If you mention her weight be warned that you risk damaging your relationship permanently.

Please leave it and say nothing. My (otherwise really really lovely) mum used to put her foot in it horribly with me at that age. It came from a loving place but made everything so much worse (she still has no idea I was bulimic for nearly ten years).

Think you’ve missed the time slot, you should of controlled her diet when she was still a child, she’s an adult now you can’t do that and saying anything will just upset her

Why do thin people you’re close to feel the need to inform you that you’re a fatty? http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3779927-Why-do-thin-people-you-re-close-to-feel-the-need-to-inform-you-that-you-re-a-fatty

If she bring it up in conversation, that would be the perfect time to remind her that no matter what size, she is absolutely beautiful but also explain the importance of a healthy balanced diet, not a no carb diet or a 5:2 diet, not any form of weight loss diet if that’s not what she wants to do. Just a simple 5 a day fruit and veggies everything in moderation diet. She will feel better for it very quickly!

I wouldn’t encourage her to weight loss diet, as yo-yo dieting increases risk of other health issues.

If she is unhappy with her appearance, offer to help her. It can be absolutely daunting to want to change your lifestyle off your own back.

Is she unhappy because of her weight or unhappy because she thinks people will judge her based on her weight? It's usually the latter and your OP suggests you do judge her for her weight too or you wouldn't feel the need to talk to her about it....

Do you love her regardless? Do you think she is beautiful regardless? Do you tell her how amazing and beautiful she is without it ever being connected to her weight? Because that's what she needs.

My friends mum always made an issue with her weight in a 'well meaning' way (you'd be so much happier/ healthier/prettier if you lost weight stuff) and it has broken her. Her relationship with her body and food is horrific and it consumes her.

Just keep telling her she is incredible. She'll do what she wants with her body when she wants to.

How overweight is she? It could be that her weight effects her confidence or it could be people treating her poorly because she's not confident has an impact too.

Don't say anything. She already knows.

Please don't say anything just be supportive of & when she wants to lose weight

Thank you for all your responses - everyone is telling me the same thing and I will say nothing. I do tell her how amazing she is but perhaps I need to do it more

Why assume her unhappiness is all about her weight? Maybe try talking to her and say you have noticed she seems unhappy, that you love her and if she ever needs anything from you or you can help in any way you are always there for her. No need to mention weight at all unless she brings it up.
The truth is you don't know that the.weigjt is the reason for her unhappiness. The weight may be because she is unhappy rather than the other way round.