What should I do about a father who loses his temper in front of our child and swears?

[Lookingforanswerstoquestions]

My husband and I have been married for 3 years. We had a beautiful baby boy 20 months ago who I adore. I am writing this message to seek help or advice on what to do... My husband keeps losing his temper in front of our child. Sometimes it’s road rage on the road, other times it’s because someone in a grocery store doesn’t move aside for him in the aisle for example. There have been multiple times he has sworn at me in front of our son and it’s never how I saw bringing up my boy. My husband will shout and scream, sometimes hit things (never me thankfully) and many times threaten me with divorce. Today once, yesterday twice. I have firmly told him that in this marriage we don’t swear at each other, or threaten divorce unless we truly mean it, but he continues to act that way he does. I don’t know what to do anymore and I don’t want my son to think it’s ok to behave like this, but I also don’t want him to grow up without a father. I lost mine when I was 4.

You are being emotional abused and by staying in this relationship you are failing to protect your child from harm and are allowing him to be abused. Every relationship your son can has in his life he will base on the first relationship he sees modelled. For him that will be the relationship between you and your husband.

Is this good enough for your little boy?

What @Selfsettling3 said.

You are in an abusive relationship op.
You’ve told your husband it’s not acceptable but he continues to do it because what you say and think doesn’t matter to him.
Your son will grow up thinking it is normal for men to shout and swear at their partners. In turn he’s very likely to start treating you the same when he’s older.

I’m so sorry but the only answer is to leave

You protect your child and remove the abusive man from his home.

I'm sorry you lost your father, but if you'd been forced to grow up in an abusive home with an abusive father you wouldn't hesitate to protect your child from the same fate and would not contemplate forcing abuse on your child. Your loss won't be healed by forcing that on your child. It's your issue.

Even being indirectly abused like your child currently is causes lifelong damage. When he gets older it will be direct abuse too.

Protect your child. Don't force him to grow up with abuse by staying.

You plan to leave You keep a diary in the meanwhile. You use it to keep your dc away from his df... Keep your dc safe is your responsibility...
Ime...

I was in a similar situation OP. My ex used abusive language continually in front of my child. Sometimes towards him, mostly towards me, and other people.

I got out, but something I've noticed and can't protect my son from is when he sees his dad. As a consequence I have a boy who is only 3 using horrible terms, coming home with anecdotes like 'daddy shouts all the time' and has started using swear words. I can't protect him fully from his dad, but it would be ten times worse if we lived in the same house. I don't want my son growing up realising it's okay to use such derogatory language at or about other people. So I took the hard road and left my ex.

Sounds like my ex h . I had enough and then one time he said 'oh we may as well call it a day', I calmly said 'ok then', and put divorce in motion. Wasn't easy, we had to live in the same house for 18 mths until everything finalized, but I am glad we did divorce. Ex h is still sweary, and particularly in the car, and swears about his new partner to my DS's, but not to her face (I think he'd be too scared to!) My DS's know it's wrong, laugh about it now to me, they are grown up now. My Ds's would never swear to me, or in front of me.

I grew up with an abusive father. I wish my mum had left him, but she was too scared of being alone, and 50 years ago it was not as usual, so she stayed, and it has affected me hugely psychologically.

He says I push him to snap. That he’s never been with someone like this and that he never fought with his ex’s. I know I’m not perfect, and there are things that get to me in the relationship, especially the use of his phone constantly to the point that I have to ask him to put it down to pay our son some attention. But I don’t understand why he snaps and loses it with me or in front of me and never did this in the past while he was with one of his ex’s. I constantly get compared to them.

How do you know he never did with his exes? Because he tells you? In my opinion a leopard never changes its spots. My exh behaves in same way with his new partner , like a sulky child, but she is a different person to me and deals with him differently. She manages his toddler behaviour! I chose not to. I also used to say to exh don’t swear in front of me or DS’s . He managed to not swear in front of his very religious Catholic mother, so it’s not impossible for him. He just chose not to in front of me.

So he’s abusive and blames you for his behaviour? OP your child needs to grow up knowing that’s not ok. Better to be apart.

That's what abusive people say. They make it your fault - "you cause this, not me" - to absolve themselves of responsibility for their behaviour and it's consequences, and to belittle you. I doubt very much that he didn't have this in other relationships, and even if that's true and something about the dynamic between you doesn't work, it is NOT an excuse for abusive behaviour. This isn't your fault, OP

He's following the abusive man's script.

His bullshit doesn't remove your responsibility to protect your child from him.

You’ve threatened him but never actually done anything about it so his (appalling) behaviour will continue 🤷🏼‍♀️