Not-so-fun-mum

[UmmAli]

Recently single mum of 2 (2+ 3 years).

I have the kids 90% of the time, no overnights with dad, so I do it all and try to include as much play as possible but I'm no match for shorter 3 times weekly visits to dad where anything and everything is allowed (no coats, no veggies, as many toys and sweets as they like etc).

I'm glad they love their dad and sad and frustrated. I feel invisible, boring (even though we do a lot of playgroups, play dates, theatre, concerts etc) I still have to fit part-time work, part-time study, with the kids in nursery 3 times a week...

Am I missing something?
Can I be more fun?
How can I try?

There's so much to do, I'm exhausted and often running behind on everything (housework, admin, studies etc).

Meanwhile
Fighting to hold onto my kids as Dad wants 50:50 but has never put them to bed, panics at the slightest hitch and we have an emotionally abusive history (if I'm not there to buffer, would his anger get unleashed on the kids?).

I don’t know what the answer is but just wanted to say I’m sure your kids love you and appreciate the stability of your lives together, even if it doesn’t seem that way x

Yes it is rubbish. Totally empathise. My 3 go to their dad's where there are always relations to play with them, they get loads of attention which I cannot do as split three ways... I just try to do as much of my admin, housework, cooking etc when they are with dad so I can focus more on them when they are with me. As for the emotional abuse, don't know how bad it was for you but chances are very high he will treat them as he has you if he doesn't learn how to control his emotions and is unaware/unwilling to accept his issues.

I don't have any practical advice but it sounds like you're doing a great job. Although you mentioned theatre and concerts - at 2 and 3 that sounds a bit overambitious and maybe not a great use of your limited time and energy - they might prefer to play chase with you or kick a ball round the park instead! But maybe they do really enjoy it in which case ignore me! Good luck.

Thank you for your support and empathy everyone

I don't doubt my kids love me, and in a way, I know I've made more of an effort to play and enjoy them since the separation because 1) well I have MUCH more space emotionally to do that! And 2) I anticipate that eventually Dad will get overtime so our current time together now is limited

Abuse
Yes, I don't doubt that once he has them longer and at bedtime, when they are old enough to answer back properly, then he will struggle to contain his anxiety and anger. He has a history of emotional neglect and possibly undiagnosed emotional abuse with both his parents, and attachment issues identified at couple's therapy... all I can hope to do is be as stable and supportive of my kids when they experience this side of their dad 🙏🏽

Theatre and concerts
We go to age appropriate theatre for my 3 year old and my 2 year old always tags along but he so far as always been mesmerised by what's on stage... otherwise it's just Family Friendly concerts or baby music 'concerts' 🤪
We also do a lot of painting and I follow IG Montessori homemade games etc

I also can be shattered like I was last night, and inwardly can't wait for bedtime so I can pass out when they do!

Also just as I wrote that I did about potential abuse, I realise now that my fear for the kids isn't just his anger but his manipulation. I'm a strong, independent woman, and I feel like I was chipped at until I was almost fully under his control. He's not fully aware but this was all he knew as a child, and he already says and does things with the kids that I find very scary, like buying them PJs and beds at his and constantly asking if they would like to sleep at his etc

On a lighter note
Regarding theatre etc
We went to several recently because for both kids' birthday, I asked for non-material presents/ contributions towards lessons and concerts etc. This was an idea I got from another mum at work and I highly recommend it she called it 'buying experiences'

That makes sense about the converts and theatre, sounds amazing! I've only got as far as amateur pantomimes with my 5 year old and haven't been brave enough to take the 2 year old to any kind of performance. We are quite rural though so maybe cities have more child friendly options. I never do painting at home and have no idea how I would find time to make home made games so it sounds like you're doing loads!! This may not be at all relevant to your situation, but I guess for a lot of couples one parent works a lot more so tends to be more 'fun parent' when they're around, while the other parent does more of the hard daily graft of parenting, making them do their teeth etc etc. So maybe that dynamic, although rubbish, isn't all that unusual? Hopefully you will get some more helpful advice from someone else about the emotional abuse/coparenting with ex aspects - wishing you all the best.

Concerts not converts obviously!