DH doesn’t want any more DC

[Goostacean]

We’re 3 weeks into life with two DC- eldest is 2- and DH, who always said he wanted between 2 and 6(!), has concluded he’s probably done. It’s tiring, he missed lie-ins and feels a lot of responsibility now we own a house that needs work, the newborn is fussy, the toddler is intense... And if we were to have a third he’d want it ASAP to get through the baby phase. I would much rather wait several (3-4years) to get work done on the house, go back to my career for a bit etc.

I’m not even sure I want(ed) another but had vaguely thought we’d end up with 3 or 4. Certainly didn’t see this sudden announcement coming, and do agree with the MN trope that whoever wants the fewest should get their way. Should add, I’m not even 30 so time is definitely on our side.

Anyone else had to accept their partner is finished with having kids? I certainly think this will crystallise for us in the coming months/years, but am thinking about it tonight.

I had to accept my DH was done. I wasn't.
It's not been easy, but we're ok now. (Got kittens instead)
Sounds like your DH is just a bit overwhelmed right now. Have this conversation again when your DC are a bit older.

I knew I was done at two very soon after I had dd2 . The world is geared up for families of 4 and i was happy with my healthy two dds and felt that was me spread thinly enough already. Sometimes you just know what feels right. DC are expensive too and it only gets worse.

Absolutely agree we’ll revisit when the dust has settled. Doesn’t help to be running around like the proverbial blue-arsed fly with all our Christmas activities... I just don’t want to get my hopes up, I suppose, if he is certain. At the same time, I’m fed up of living more like housemates than a married couple due to work/house stress/pregnancy/the kids. So maybe I am done after all. Not sure!

But you have a newborn and a 2yo. It's like suggesting dinner 2 seconds after a 3 course lunch.

Give yourself and him and the kids time to settle into life as a four. If in two years or so you feel the desire for a third, see what he says. He may want, he may not. Face it then. Not now.

I don’t think any decisions can be finalised when you are three weeks in to number two. I know people who have known they will go on to have another one and then when the time have come to start ttc decide it’s not for them after all.

Sage advice! I was just surprised that DH feels that way given we have a lot of family support and I do all the heavy lifting with the newborn. Had kind of assumed a third was in our future (all being well health-wise etc), so need to stay open-minded that that may not be the case...

I can’t imagine anything worse than getting your life and career back and a few years later taking time out again. Maybe he feels like this? It is certainly more understandable than your proposal for many people. Especially if your children are quite difficult.

Well... he said he thought he'd want between two and six, you have two and he's "probably" done. So far, not all that unreasonable. But he's also said if you were to have another he'd prefer to do it sooner rather than later and get the baby phase out of the way, and if it were me I'd feel the same. Who wants time to get life back to some semblance of normal again only to be dragged back to sleep deprivation and changing nappies? Sorry OP, I'm with your DH

Give it a few years... I always wanted 3 but we had our first two in less than two years... My husband really didn't want another one after that. 5 years later we were both ready for DS3! So glad we have him. He's been a dream baby and we've both enjoyed his baby days much more than the first two. We know what we're doing and have two older ones who play with him...

My DH said all those things after DC1 was born.
And again after DC2 was born.
DC3 is now 3 months old

I think “the shock of capture” as it were, is a big shock for most blokes when a baby arrives. When our kids have got to around 4 months old and start interacting properly and having more of a personality, my DH seems to forget the tough newborn days.

The hard work doesn't stop after they stop being newborn though!

Teens are far harder work than newborns. Newborns needs are straightforward. I can’t imagine being able to cope with 6 young adults (& I had 2 under 2 and then a 3rd before the oldest was 3 ¼).

I can see where DH is coming from re getting them “out of the way” ASAP, but my body needs a break and it’s my career that will take the hit if I’m out of work too much. I’m not saying another ten years! But I’m not keen on eg 3 under 4.

Can absolutely see his point and accept that I may have to agree. I just don’t feel “done” and was wondering how others have accepted the same situation for themselves.

I don’t want six children, personally!

Urgh, sat here smelling my newborn after a day of festivities and feeling sad this may have been my last “baby’s first Christmas”...

Just remembered I started this thread. Well, still broody 8 weeks in but relationship has really taken a hit, not helped by baby sleeping badly and DH starting a new job... so we’ll see! The early days are flying by relative to the same with DC1- I suppose the toddler keeps us very busy compared to last time around.

OP I read your first post and laughed aloud - I could have written it myself except that I would be your DH! I have a 22 month old and a 10 day old. I love both of them with all my heart and so thrilled to have my two DC, but dear god if DH suggested a third right now I'd be ordering a chastity belt. I know he likes the idea of 3, and we've talked about it before, but right now I'm clinging onto the knowledge that the sleepless newborn days don't last forever and couldn't imagine anything worse than a third round of them.

Maybe give him some time to adjust to 2 (and get over the hardest patch - I remember life getting so much easier from 3 months) and then revisit the idea?