Am I being unreasonable?

[svbmum]

Hi,

I would really love some second opinions on this.

My husband and I have a little boy who is 6 months old and I have just discovered that I am pregnant again (unplanned but happy/excited nonetheless). The problem is that we have a holiday booked in 2 months time for my MIL's big birthday but the holiday destination has Zika so being pregnant I won't be able to go. My husband would still like to go and take our son without me. Am I being unreasonable to not want this to happen? Of course I feel bad for letting down my MIL (he's her first and only grandchild) but I really don't want to miss out on memories of our son at 8 months on holiday and with me being on maternity leave I would be absolutely lost without him for a whole week! I should also point out that I've only left him once overnight so far and although my husband is a great dad he's not very hands on so I am our son's primary carer, my husband barely changes a nappy or feeds him!

Please help! Currently it's causing a lot of friction between my husband and I! I feel like he's putting his MIL's feeling ahead of mine.

Xoxo

I agree with the PP who said the risk is very low now. Read the updated advice, there hasn't been a reported case of Zika in any country for many months now. The official advice is that you no longer need to avoid travel, just wear Deet repellent. I've checked because I had booked a holiday too.

wwwnc.cdc.gov/travel/page/zika-information
Look at this, there are now no countries at all in the red "avoid travel" category. There are only countries in the take precautions category. I'm going on my holiday and taking precautions x

YANBU there is no way I would have been away from my baby that long!!

Where is the holiday?

Yanbu

Your dh is not hands on. How does he plan to take care of an 8 month old?
Oh, he doesn't!
Who is going to parent your child for a week instead?

Huge no for me

The holiday is to Cape Verde. I am currently only 6 weeks pregnant and the holiday is in another 6 weeks, it feels so early on in a pregnancy to be making these decisions.

Is he breastfed? If yes then 100% no. I'd stay home with dc and send dh on holiday.

If bottle fed, it would be hard but I think I might let them both go. Dh will have plenty of help looking after him.
I know it'll be hard for you but I doubt your dh will let any harm come to him.

@LoveLearnLive121 I would suggest you start a thread with your question

No, you're not being unfair to be uncomfortable with your young baby going abroad without you. DH could go though?

YANBU.

It is not selfish to keep baby home. You are his primary attachment. It would be extremely selfish for DH to take him. Baby is not currently developed enough to understand what is happening - only that his primary caregiver is suddenly gone. For a week with no explanation as DS can't understand. You could have died for all he'd know, he'd grieve. Negative impact on DS could be huge, and he'd gain nothing from it. He won't remember but it can cause long term impact on his attachment and bonding style. DH and MIL want to take the baby for their own pleasure not because DS would enjoy it. He'd likely be distraught. I'd be absolutely furious if my DH even dared suggest such a thing. The below article is based on attachment research. If your DH wants to take DS on trips without you, then he should have been equivalent Primary carer from the very start - doing 50% of feeds, nappies, baths, night wakings and split maternity and paternity leave between both of you equally. If he didn't do that, he isn't primary caregiver and doesn't get to pretend to be just for a holiday. What a selfish man.

Get your DH to read this:

www.naturalchild.org/articles/peter_cook/attachment.html

Quote-

If the separation lasts for some days, the first state of crying and "protest" may be replaced by a mood of quiet unhappiness or despair. In the first two or three years of life an infant has no adult sense of time, and since explanations cannot be understood, the infant seems to despair of the mother's return, in a kind of grief or mourning reaction.* It is painful to go on experiencing such hurt, angry and even depressed feelings, and eventually the infant may pass into a state which has been termed "detachment". It may be thought that the child has "settled", and he or she may appear happy. He may be friendly to almost anyone, except to his mother if she re-appears. Children in this state will often turn away from their mothers or appear not to recognize them. It seems that they cannot bear to have the feelings of hurt and longing brought up again. These reactions are more likely when the child is away from home and in a strange environment.*

Totally failed making the quote all in bold somehow!

Not unreasonable at all provided your DH can go on his own. I would never let a baby go without me, in fact I wouldn't be happy about taking such a child to an area with Zika as other tropical infections are also a risk.

Utter bollox . Fillin . Unless the child is in fact a small mammal raised entirely by the mother.

So unless you baby is in fact a kitten, puppy or rabbit, book yourself a nice home Bremen

Bremen? Break

I don't think it would be long-term damaging, but it might be a bit upsetting for the baby in question if he's not used to his mother not being there and is with someone who isn't that hands-on and who doesn't do overnights etc. Not to mention in a new place and probably being passed around to people he doesn't really know that well.

I think the real issue here isn't MIL or DH's right to spend time with his baby. It's what's right for the baby. In a lot of these replies, the baby seems to come bottom or not even really be considered at all! Will it be a nice experience for the baby to be somewhere new, hot, with someone who isn't his primary carer and a bunch of people he doesn't know that well and away from his mum for a week? What possible benefit would he get out of it at 8mo that he couldn't at home? He's too young to really appreciate being on holiday to any real extent. And if DH wants to bond with his son, then there's nothing stopping him being hands-on at home except his own lack of desire. But suddenly he wants to take him on holiday and do all the stuff he hasn't been doing up till now?

You and your child stay in the UK, it's straightforward.
I had a quick look at the nhs advice on travelling, it's not just a risk to your unborn child if you travel to an affected country, your husband will also be risking the babies health when he returns if he doesn't use condoms if you have sex.

How do I get a copy of what I posted?