Help FTM getting it all wrong

[melissa1215]

Hi everyone,

I have an 11 week old baby, who initially slept amazing. He's exclusively breastfed, he had jaundice for the first 6 weeks so I fed on demand to combat the jaundice as advised by the health visitor.

Initially he did sleep really well, feeding a lot in the day seemed to keep him full and he didn't wake for as many feeds in the night.

However, he's started teething and we've been giving him calpol, but he's just so restless. He will fall asleep in my arms after a feed or just after a cuddle but as soon as I put him down he's awake.

He isn't sleeping at all during the night, he had a 2 hour nap yesterday day time (during a shopping trip) and he was awake from 6pm-6am, he has a brief 3 hours in his bouncer chair because he couldn't be transferred to the cot without waking up

I'm worried he has sleep deprivation, he seems alert and happy, no issues or illness.

Does anyone have any advice on what I can do to establish a better sleep routine?

It's started causing rows between me and my husband, I haven't had more than 2 hours a night (sometimes not even that) for the past ten days and I feel so bad. Family are helping where possible but I feel like a failure

Please can you not criticise, I'm trying my best and feeling really extremely low and if Iim doing something wrong I just need some advice

It doesn't sound like you are doing it all wrong. It sounds like you are exhausted but are still meeting all your baby's needs. That is an amazing start to give your baby. Mothering an 11 week old is bloody hard work but he won't be this small forever. Things will get easier.

You're not doing anything wrong at all. You're not a failure, your a first time mum and nothing prepares you for this. Nothing.

Download the wonder weeks app, it helps to give a rough guide to when they are going through a growth spurt/development leap which accounts for changes in sleep/behaviour etc.

Also google the fourth trimester and get your partner to read it also.

As for a routine, babies at that ages don't have one and there's no point in trying to force one either. You could do a loose one if it makes your feel better and may help with anxieties nearer bed times which baby will pick up on.

Arguments are common as sleep deprivation kicks in, the adrenaline of having a newborn wears off and shit gets real.

However I will also say don't listen to too much advice and just follow your instincts. Boob as much as you want if that's your choice, let them sleep as much as they want during the day as I was told a well rested baby during the day helps at night and they were right.

If possible ask family/partner to take baby out either in the car or for a walk for a while so you can rest/sleep/have a bath. You ll feel recharged and ready to tackle the next sleepless night.

xx

Oh and cake, lots of cake, and chocolate digestives with a thermos cup of tea always helps.

Hi op, well done for being such a great mother. It sounds like you're trying your best. Are you sure you little one is teething? Have you spoken to your health visitor for advice?
My first born at that age was pretty horrific for sleep too. He didn't sleep in the cot at all for Almost a year, would only sleep in his bouncer and only if furiously (but gently!) Bounced into sleep! Oh he was work. He also teethed early 4 months old. It's hard work but try everything you can - bouncing, swaying, singing etc, sometimes the strangest thing helps. What's his bed time routine like? All you can do at the moment is feed him when he wants, comfort him, be with him and it sounds like you're doing all that already so you're doing an amazing job as it is.

Not a routine, but I would encourage more frequent naps in the day. I have a similar aged baby and try not to allow him to stay awake for longer than 2 hours in one go.

If they are awake for too long they build up too much cortisol which is broken down as they sleep. The more they have built up the harder it is for them to sleep so it's a viscous circle.

We started encouraging sleep (even if just for 15 mins) in the day and it's been a life changer

There's some guidance to wake times on this website www.preciouslittlesleep.com/are-you-keeping-baby-awake-too-long/

Their sleep patterns change a lot in that first year! I used to watch mine like a hawk for sleep cues and then get him nap ready as soon as they started. I found my DS needed a nap an hour after getting up at that stage and I'd go back to bed too.

I have 3 dc. Dc1 who is a teen now slept amazingly well and I thought I was doing so well parenting . dc2 came along and didn't sleep longer than 2 hours at a time until he was 4 years old despite me doing all the same things as I did with Dc1. Dc3 took a little longer to get into sleeping well and is pretty good. Now they are older I can see there were things I could do to help them get a good routine but ultimately as a mother I couldn't make it happen no matter how hard I tried. So your dc not sleeping doesn't mean you are getting anything wrong at all, some babies just don't sleep much and others take a bit of time to settle into routine after teething/illness etc.

Try a routine that fits for you but the best advice I can give is to go with it op and be confident you know your baby best and you are doing a brilliant job.

With dc3 I discovered white noise machines. We bought a bear that went in the cot with him with a little while noise machine in it. I was sceptical at first but it made a big difference for us so that could be worth a try?

Sleep deprivation is bloody awful isn't it! Can you and dh take it on turns to get a full night sleep? Sleep deprivation nearly broke me and my dh but it will get better

Bless you OP, it doesn't sound like you're doing anything wrong at all. It's bloody hard having a new born. He doesn't even realise he's a separate person to you yet, which contributes to the hating to be put down. My DD is only four months and three weeks so I was where you are not long ago at all. I'd echo PP advice about trying to make sure he's not awake for longer than two hours at a time, but I get it, you can't force a baby to sleep. I'd also agree that you can't really get a baby your DS's age to adhere to a routine yet, they're just too little.

When you put him down for the night do you follow the same pattern? Things like a bath and book and a boob can start to signal it's sleep time if done every evening.

I don't know if you're doing this already but try to pay close attention to sleep cues like rubbing eyes and yawning. If I miss a brief window with my DD and she becomes overtired it can be pandemonium! She'll also only really nap on me during the day so if it's the same for you I'd just advise getting a drink, having a pee, grabbing the remote control and then feeding and allowing him to sleep on you for a few hours. She's actually asleep with my boob in her mouth right now!

The wonder weeks app is great, it shows when they're going through a developmental leap. It feels like they're going backwards during the leap as they're learning and developing so quickly it can be a bit scary for them. The app helps you know what to expect and when to expect it which can make it less frustrating.

Hang in there, I know you're exhausted and it feels like it'll last forever but he will sleep better again.

As pp said over tiredness is a big problem for babies. I'd start by encouraging day time sleeps, it doesn't really matter how you achieve that, on you, in the car or bouncer. At 11 weeks they're much bigger than a newborn so it's easy to think they're more grown up than they really are, 11 weeks really is early days, you're not doing anything wrong.

I have nothing to add that can help with the sleep thing (I've an 11m old that still pisses about all night despite all my best efforts) but you ARE NOT doing it all wrong! Every mum thinks they're getting bits wrong- I'm on DC4 and I still feel I'm finding my feet for the first time! Give yourself a break- we are all winging this parenting thing!

What makes you think he's teething? I'm not sure calpol is recommended for babies under 3 months apart from their 12 week jabs.

It's not you doing anything wrong affecting his sleep! Newborns change so much and sounds like his sleep is totally normal, just shit! Good amounts of daytime sleep could help definitely if you can get him to sleep any way in the day.

you have already been given lots of advice so I just want you to know your not alone and the phase will not last forever

Honestly he sounds like a normal baby. This is normal for the vest majority of babies. I think 6 weeks is a really difficult point with a new baby.

If your breast feeding then look up safe cosleeping. During the day nap with him if you can nap or pop him into a sling. When DH is around get him to sling the baby while you nap.

It’s very unusual for them to start teething so early but this is when they discover their hands and start producing more saliva.

Are you sure it's teeth? Chewing on hands, drooling, etc. are normal baby developmental stages, not signs of teething. My DD was doing all that at about 3mo as were the other babies in my NCT group, but none actually started teething till nearly six months.

All really normal around 3-4 months. They aren’t tiny little babies that sleep all the time at that age anymore. We got naps anyway that worked. Neither of mine would ever sleep in a cot at home (though did so fine at nursery from 9 months). I held them to sleep for naps or pushed them in the pushchair or took them for a drive to nap. That worked fine. They slept. We still got a break. I got a lot of work emails sent with a baby sleeping on me in a sling. When the time came for them to sleep a bit more independently (1+) it wasn’t an issue.

If he is alert and happy he is probably fine. I think the main issue is making sure you get enough sleep - no wonder you are struggling.

I found cosleeping was the only way I could get a proper nights sleep - look up the Lullaby Trust or Unicef for advice on how to do it safely. You can breastfeed lying down while snoozing. Not for everyone but I wouldn't have got through those first few months another way.

I think society gives us unrealistic expectations about baby sleep- some babies just won't sleep well unless warm and snuggled up with mummy (or daddy). Hope you find a solution and get some sleep!

You might need to lower your expectations op.

While I agree being awake 6pm-6am solidly isn't really normal, I'd let that go unless it happens all the time / repeatedly (in which case I'd get professional advice e.g HV or GP).

It is completely natural and normal for young babies to wake multiple times in the night. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It's bloody hard and contradicts what works best for you (I.e long stretches of sleep) but rather than seeing it as a problem to be fixed I believe it's best just to go with it.

For the first 5 weeks of my baby's life I only ever slept in 2-3 hour stints and it was so tough (zero help from relatives due to distance). I got through it though and baby started sleeping for longer stints as he got older, it was a progression.

Good luck, I know it's hard

Also your husband needs to be helping with nights if you're getting so little sleep. It might help if you go to bed about 8 and sleep till 11 or so and then he goes to bed and you take over baby until maybe 5 or 6, when he takes baby again for an hour or two before he goes to work. One person shouldn't be on their knees with exhaustion while the other person is fine.

Father of baby is rowing with you because you're not getting enough sleep? That's your main problem, an unsupportive dickhead for a partner. He should be supporting you while you care for baby, he should be falling over himself watching you struggle, asking you how he can help

Why would we criticise you, you must be absolutely shattered.
This does happen with small babies it isn't bad parenting but I am concerned about you and your husband rowing, is he being supportive at all? Doing any of the nights when he isn't at work?
If not why not and rather than winding you up he should be helping as much as possible, at the very least taking over at night at weekends.

This is what most babies are like at this age. You will get through it, although it's extremely hard.

I would doubt that at 11 weeks they are teething, a lot of people just assume any irritability is teeth. But babies get irritated for other reasons (that you cannot figure out)

They say if you question whether you are a good enough parent, then you are probably a great one!

Good luck. Hope you get some rest

Sounds like you're doing a sterling job. Definitely agree that you need to give yourself a break and a pat on the back.

My baby (8 months old now) always woke 3-4 time last a night but I found that by keeping the lights off, co-sleeping and feeding to sleep have meant that I actually manage to feel totally rested myself. Made sure baby knew that it was sleep time and not play time.

Do what you need to do to get sleep - I've worried myself about how he 'should' be sleeping and setting up bad habits, but best advice I was given - you can change any habit in 3 days. And also everything passes!!!

Thank you everyone for the replies, they mean a lot. I think today I've just hit rock bottom, I'm feeling slightly more positive now and just hoping I can settle the baby and get some sleep