3 year old just won't listen!

[Wispygypsy]

I'm getting seriously stressed out by my 3 year old, she will be 4 next month and is going through a really difficult period where she simply will not listen or actively refuses to do what I ask. She will yell 'I'll do what I want' if I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do and will hit and has recently started to spit.

I feel like I end up being that shouty mum I never wanted to be, and even when I shout it makes no difference. I've read the gentle parenting books and understand that my shoutng isn't the best approach but it's out of sheer frustration after I tell her to do something 15 times and she refuses. I've tried making things fun and tasks into games but 9 times out of 10 these days I just lose it and shout and threaten to put toys in the bin or cancel play dates etc. My threats are getting ridiculous (no birthday/I'll cancel Christmas) but it's out if desperation in the heat of the moment.

She also has a siblibg who is 17 months and she is often unkind to them and will push or hit them when for no real reason, or minor things.

I don't really know why I'm writing this. It's just out of sheer frustration really. I don't even try the gentle parenting understanding/problem solving approach any more, I just go straight to futile shouting but whatever I do she doesn't give much of a shit.

I've just read that back and wish to add that she is actually a really lovely girl and I love her so very much. I don't want to paint a bad picture of her, it's just this period we're going through where I just am struggling to handle it properly and feel a bit lost at what to do :-(

Stay calm, try not to shout. Always be prepared to follow through with the consequence, so choose what you say carefully. If Father Christmas doesn't come because she's been a naughty girl... 😱

This might be out dated advice, but I give 3 opportunities to do as asked before consequences occur, for us it was time out to reflect. For thing like spitting / hitting it was an immediate consequence. I gave warnings so they knew what would occur but then after a few minutes reflecting I would cheerfully ask if they wanted to join in with x y z and distract them. We didn't do protracted chats after reflection as the 1-2-1 time became a reward and therefore it promoted the dc to behave in a way I didn't like.

It sounds like you’re not following through on your threats, is that fair to say? In that case she won’t take you seriously.

I’ve been doing some time outs with my three year old, so if he’s saying no I will say ‘ok, time out, I’ll wait here till you do (whatever I’ve asked him to do’, then remove myself from the room he’s in. This usually works because he doesn’t like being left alone and gets bored. Also it gives him a bit of time to calm down. So the bad behaviour is not being rewarded as I remove attention from him.

I get why you get angry though, kids are pros at pulling our strings!

Thank you for your replies. Yes it is true that I don't usually follow through with the threats I make, I tend to go she just forgets them. I have tried a naughty step but it gets so stressful as she just runs off laughing and wont stay there or creeps up the stairs laughing to see if we will see her.

I worry that we maybe haven't been strict enough from the start and now she runs rings around us!

Thank you for your responses. I think I need to remember that I'm the adult and I need to take control of the situation without losing it and being too reactive.

I’ve got a just 4 year old who is like this - hope some solidarity is helpful! One thing we have found that works is using the phrase ‘I’ve got a question for you when you are ready’ and waiting for him to say he is ready before asking. This seems to help if he is distracted by whatever he’s already doing but wouldn’t help mid-argument/tantrum.

I started using a naughty cornet on both my children before they were two.
An explanation, a warning, a reminder, the corner. I dont dare how many times I silently dumped them both back in that corner for that first week (Dc2 has the stubbornness of an ox, and willpower like I've never seen before), ag the end of that week the never tried to escape from the corner, they knew there was no discussion or attention, just an uncerimonious return and time restarted. Now, DC1 is grown up. DC 2 is a 2.5 but the threat of the naughty corner is taken seriously and if she goes in she doesnt try to leave
If I threaten confiscation of something or no tv, I immediately do it. It's worth even 40mins of screaming now for a long term of peace.
Also never negotiate with a small child. You are the adult, you make the rules!
They do it, a to distract and detract from the situation and get power and attention.
Your child might be jealous of her younger sibling. Make sure she has special time with you every day alone to play when the baby is asleep and make a point if it. I suspect jealousy and frustration us playing a part.

This sounds like my child at the moment.
I am trying not to make any threats I can't commit to but it's hard because he doesn't even seem to listen to the threats unless is something really major and it's has to get to breaking point to do anything at the moment.

I keep trying to remind myself that everything is communication so what is he really trying to tell me when he behaves like this? They are just naughty for no reason there's always some other issue!

At the end of a particularly bad day I try and talk through with him all the bad points when I got cross and why and when he got cross and why and go to bed with some resolution. The next day does tend to be better. But then it get out of hand again as the week goes on when we are so busy I'm always back to square one by the weekend.

I've also started making him stop what his doing and look at me when I'm asking him to do something so I'm sure his listening and that seems to be helping too! Sometimes I genuinely think they can't hear because they can only focus on one thing at a time!

Have you read 'How to Listen so Kids Talk and Talk so Kids Listen'? Some good ideas there.

My almost 3yo can be very like this. You’ve absolutely got to follow through on threats though, otherwise they know you’re a mug and nothing will happen. Do stick to stuff you’ll actually carry out though, and do it straight away. Even if you’re out. Even if it’s really inconvenient. Case in point: DH told DS we’d have to leave a party if he didn’t stop x and y. 5 minutes later, y was indeed repeated and DH looked at me in horror as it dawned on him that he would also have to leave the party. I’d just filled up my glass so did a very unsympathetic face and off they went

I would recommend the book 1-2-3 magic. I found it very helpful.

Also found it helpful to think about it as helping build your little one's skills and security, rather than simply forcing compliance in the moment. Ie, you are:
helping them make good decisions (by warning with consequences)
Building trust (by following through)
Building resilience and tolerance to frustration (by requiring them to do things they don't want to do)
Modeling good communication and conflict resolution skills (by not yelling)
Building self esteem (by separating rejection of a behavior from rejection of them)

Etc....,

We all loose our cool some times, but I found thinking about it like this helped me stay calm in the moment and stick to my resolve....

You will get there! Part of it is the age and she will likely get easier anyway. But there are lots of good techniques you can also learn. 😊

Good luck!