Having a second when TTC the first was a bit tough?

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

DS is 18 months. Having him took us two years and three (early) miscarriages. I feel like I'm really not ready to have a second yet (DH has made it very clear that he would like to start trying now, though), but I'm also worried if we wait and it takes a long time, or never happens, I'll regret not cracking on. I am certain I want a second eventually. I'm also a bit worried because I went a bit mad and obsessive when trying to conceive DS, and although I tell myself I'd try not to get caught up in it so much the second time around I'm scared that I would and that it could impact on DS. Would really like some advice, preferably from people who have been in a similar situation!

Do you know if there was a reason, eg. Any issues affecting fertility for either of you that you could now mitigate or manage?

It took me and dh around 4 years to conceive dc1, it was really tough on us and I got pretty obsessive. I have pcos so I felt it was all my fault we couldn't conceive and finally tried metformin to aid fertility which worked pretty much straight away. When we decided to ttc #2 I was prepared for the same but it only took a few months. I had lost weight, improved my health/fitness and had been having regular cycles (they'd been sporadic before) which helped, but I also knew that metformin worked for me so I started that as soon as I could.
I was much more relaxed second time. DD had no idea anything was different until we told her after the dating scan, I think it helped I had her to distract me in a way so I couldn't obsess too much while TTC.

Sorry to hear about your loses I get what you mean about finding trying really tough.

I had one miscarriage - TTC for 7 months.

We then had unexplained infertility for two years and 3 months, got pregnant with DD whilst waiting for a laparoscopy for further investigation. (Pretty sure I didn't have endometriosis but was a hoop to jump through to get IVF).

So first baby took three and a half years from initially stopping contraception.

We then agreed to try when DD was aged 1 but with a toddler who didn't sleep well we were not trying as often as we would have before but I was tracking my period with an app and being aware of when I was probably ovulating. I then found out I was pregnant a month before her 2nd birthday so it took 11 months, given the time it took before that felt quite quick for me! Also incredibly relieved not to have had to suffer another miscarriage.

There is no perfect age gap, I am pleased with 2 years and 8 months for us, my eldest grew up a lot whilst I was pregnant and life got much easier (before DD2 came along).

Best of luck, I always tried to bear in mind that I had the baby I had always wanted and that a second would be a bonus (which she absolutely is). It's hard after loses putting yourself at risk of more.

Hi Lisa

I had a though time ttc my dc. I had 6 mc and 4 ivf cycles and it took us 4.5 years. All unexplained (maybe immune) from top experts.

I’m now trying for no 2-I’m not as obsessed at all. Last time I’m was consumed by it and it was the only thing i could think about I literally was a woman possessed!

However this time I don’t have as much time to obsses as have a toddler to look after, and I’m happy and a mother....so I just don’t feel as desperate. For me it’s a very different feeling trying to become a mother versus trying to complete my family (I know not everyone feels this, but this is just how I feel).

I’ve had one failed ivf cycle so far trying to have no 2 and trying one last time in January and then my Journey will end with a wonderful Family of 3 ( which I thought I would never have).

I think I entered trying for no 2, thinking it would be a wonderful. But trying for no 1 was sheer desperation and I only felt complete once he came along. So I just dont feel the same obsession and it’s not ruining my life this time around. Although I’m still being a little crazy(!)

Obviously you hear these stories of those who try no 2 and it happens st away - I know plenty of people in real life this happened. Fingers crossed your one of them!

Good luck . Slightly hungover so not sure if my Post make sense!
X

How old are you? My only concern with waiting a bit is that your fertility declines and your chance of miscarriage goes up with time, so given you definitely want another child, waiting longer may not help.

Anya Sizer/Cat Dean wrote a lovely book Fertile Thinking which I found really helpful for dealing with the emotional impact of infertility - worth a look.

It took us 18 months to have DC1. No miscarriages; just couldn't get pregnant. Started trying for DC2 when she was 6 mo expecting it to take ages; took 4 months.

Took 7 months for DD3, then an instant DC4 that we weren't ready for at all. To this day I don't know where he came from

Much much further down the line conceived 3 times (instantly) at the age of 42-3. (2 miscarriages then a DC5)

Thanks so much for the replies, and I'm sorry to those who have also had losses or gone through other tough times, many of them much tougher than mine.

It's nice to hear that some people found it emotionally less high-octane the second time round; that's how I currently feel (having one baby felt like a deep need, whereas a sibling feels like a nice bonus) but I am/was worried that that might all change if I start trying and it doesn't happen.

I'm 32. I had testing after the miscarriages which found no issues.

Lisa I felt same too - was worried I would but I haven’t felt like I did when trying for number one. But like I said my Mind set is very different.

I was 32 when I got preg with DC that worked - least u have time to wait if your not ready to start st away

X

Hi Lisa, we’ve chatted before- had a very similar time with baby 1. I felt exactly the same about not being ready for baby 2, but then conceived in august accidentally. The due date was on my son’s 2nd birthday and I actually felt sad that my son would have his babyhood cut short! But I had a(nother) mmc, most likely because I’m meant to be on steroids from ovulation which I obviously wasn’t as it was unplanned, and it made me terrified that I was going to go through the same nightmare all over again and desperate to be pregnant again. Period came back in October, but we decided to wait until this month to try. I’m sure I will be massively stressed over it but ultimately we want our son to have a sibling and I’m worried it will take a long time. I’m 33 next month.