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Original poster

Dont want to upset mil

18 replies

Mummyzzz044 · 20/12/2019 18:07

Hi all,
We've got a little baby and been visiting OH parents at other houses which is fine.
My MIL house is what I can describe as an extreme hoarder. There are loads of cats at the property and it's not very clean at all. The smell of cats is over powering and o struggled to go there when I was pregnant. It's very unhygienic.
At some point the discussion is going to pop up about visiting there home or obviously when the baby is older they are going to want to babysit. Me and MIL dont have the best relationship. Never argued but just never clicked and not a lot in common.
How do I address this issue? I cant exactly say "when you babysit she is not to go to your house because its filthy". I dont want to upset her and I dont want an argument because I have a lot of respect as my OH family. But my baby is priority and I'm sure if I was living there with a young baby and people saw the conditions I would be reported. Help?

OP posts:
WeAreTheWeirdosMister · 20/12/2019 18:11

Don't have the conversation, just fob her off each time she offers babysitting at her house. Ask her to sit at yours for reasons such as 'baby' has playgroup first thing, etc

Original poster
Mummyzzz044 · 20/12/2019 18:21

If shes in her care for a couple of hours how can I trust she hasnt popped home? Because she wont know I have a problem. No one deserved to have the way they live judged and I've always tried not to. But it makes me cringe the thought of my baby going there
But I understand what you're saying. There is no good outcome of saying it. Trust me I've gone over this so many times in my head

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 21/12/2019 20:48

Oh crikey! I'd no way want my son in those sort of conditions! No way. I think you have to make a decision between: a) making excuses every single time she wants to babysit or visit her house, or b) telling the truth - that you don't want your baby in those conditions. Either option is probably going to cause tension... but that's not your fault. Your child really does have to come first. What does your OH think? Can you get him on-side?

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newbingepisodes · 21/12/2019 20:59

Does she have to drive from your house to hers? If so, you just take the car seat with you "by accident left in the car".

Original poster
Mummyzzz044 · 22/12/2019 17:04

It's in walking distance .. or let's say will be soon. My OH completely understand. My OH is so lovely and I know would back me decision as we have discussed it. But it's his family at the end of the day I dont want any tension. I always expect him to have respect for my family as I do for his. But we will see what happens. I'm just dreading it. Thanks anyway for the advice

OP posts:
Umberta · 22/12/2019 17:06

Have the conversation with her... you never know, it could be the trigger she needs to declutter and clean up a bit!

Original poster
Mummyzzz044 · 22/12/2019 17:10

She has said a few times she needs to get it sorted but never had. Even said when we were waiting for a property to be finished she would clean the house up for the baby to stay. So she knows. And I think that was my perfect opportunity to say something. But I was a baby about it!. Like I've said we've never argued but shes not keen with me so this would make our relationship even more awkward!

OP posts:
Lunafortheloveogod · 22/12/2019 17:13

Have the conversation and offer to help her the best you’s both can. Obviously if she’s willing it’s a lot easier but if she’s completely blind to the problem and won’t change Baby has a convenient cat allergy? Obviously that ideas fucked if you or a regular visiting house has cats. Also only works if DH would agree to it.

spurlingpipe · 22/12/2019 17:14

I'd let your dh deal with it.
He knows her better and is closer with her so is hopefully less likely do offend.

Is their any way he could spend a weekend helping her clear out?
I know it may be difficult to find the time with a new baby but if it's as bad as you describe it would be a very daunting task for anybody to get started on it alone.

ISmellBabies · 22/12/2019 17:16

You need to address it honestly, or at least get dh to. Fobbing her off will just make it frustrating and more awkward for everyone.

Winterdaysarehere · 22/12/2019 17:18

Keep the buggy in your car. Forget to leave it if she babysits.

HugoSpritz · 22/12/2019 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kitk · 22/12/2019 17:25

Your OH needs to set the ground rules with his mum and she needs to respect them and if she doesn't there needs to be a consequence. When DD was born we asked MIL (now my ex MIL thankfully) not to take DD to her house. It was a different reason to yours but maybe a little more serious? Anyway, she didn't respect it for many years and it has massively damaged her relationship with my ex (her son) and me. I don't trust her to look after DD anymore and although I know she loves her in her own misguided way and would never stop them spending time together, I am not happy for that to happen unsupervised anymore

MotherOfSoupDragons · 22/12/2019 17:27

What you said in your OP, that's exactly what you say to her. And say it yourself, don't leave it to your OH.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/12/2019 17:30

You need to act like an adult and be honest. Her home is unsafe, filthy, and is in no way an acceptable environmental for a baby or young child. I would not be constantly trying to avoid the subject. Just be honest because it's the truth, and one she needs to hear.

73Sunglasslover · 22/12/2019 17:33

Bite the bullet and be honest. You can offer to help her clean up perhaps and say you are happy for baby to be at her house after that work and before that she is always welcome at yours. This is not an unreasonable statement and hopefully she will see it that way. If not, that is not something you have to feel guilty about.

Singlenotsingle · 22/12/2019 17:33

Can't you get a specialist cleaning company in? I know it would seem tactless but maybe she's one of those hoarders and can't face doing it herself?

Original poster
Mummyzzz044 · 22/12/2019 18:48

Well she knows there is an issue to mention cleaning it before. It also took a long time after me and OH first met to be introduced to MIL. Apparently because she was embarrassed of the house. So I never made a comment to my OH. only when i was pregnant I told him how I felt and he agreed. It got to the point I had to stop going because the cat mess was in places I used and it's not safe for pregnant women. She never cared enough to move it. I wish I could help clean it. But I'm not going to BS I cant physically do it. It makes me bad. It needs a specialist cleaner without a doubt. And start over. I will be honest when the time comes. I might be lucky and she never mentions going to her house? Lol hopeful. Thanks everyone

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