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Not sure if I'm being unreasonable

9 replies

Janey85 · 19/12/2019 20:26

Hi been sat in tears here as I really don't know if I'm in the wrong here. Basically me and my ex don't talk as he's been pretty horrible and doesn't help my mental health. So contact between us regarding our daughter has been going through my mum. All has been fine but a few times I've felt like shes tried take over the situation by making arrangements without going through me first. Usually she would check with me if he's asked to have her. He doesn't have set days he has her because of his work pattern. I always say yes to the days he asks anyway. Well tonight my mum popped round here and we was talking about my ex picking my daughter up this Saturday (21st) confirming times etc. Then my mum announces even though he's meant to have her xmas eve SHE'S not letting him know. Yes I probably had a face on me after that but next thing before I'd muttered a word my mum told me not to start. I told her I never said a word and she said no but it's your face. So I said well maybe it would have been nice if I'd have been told about it. I was very calm when I spoke. So she started having a go at me saying fine I wont bother and getting quite irate with me. Then she said well you only agreed for him to have her till about 7 xmas eve. I said no I said I wanted my daughter back about 4 as I'd want to get her bathed and settled for the evening. My mum then claims we exchanged texts over this. I said no I said I wanted my daughter back about 4. My mum then proceeds to start looking through her messages to then claim she doesn't have the message. I told her if you've sent me a message I haven't got it and definitely didn't agree to my ex having our daughter till 7. My mum got quite angry with me because I had calmly told her I would have liked to have known about her decided the ex couldn't have our daughter xmas eve. My daughter was present and got upset (which I feel bad for) my mum started saying I was upsetting my daughter. Then my mum got upset and started talking over. I said I'm not shouting I'm just saying it would be nice not to be in the dark about things when it concerns MY child. She said I was the most selfish person she has ever met and how she bends over backwards and I'm ungrateful. I told her I wasn't arguing and just felt like I'd been kept in the dark about xmas eve. Well I have been through my messages and there is no message with me agreeing to the ex having our daughter till 7. I know I agreed to 4pm. So I really don't know where my mum got 7pm from and why she was so adamant we had text about it. Also my daughter said it was my mum that made her upset. My mum kept cutting me off everytime I tried to talk and accusing me off going on. I said I wasn't and she kept talking over me so I wasn't able to explain myself. she let me talk for about 2 seconds before interrupting me again. Sorry it's long but if I'm wrong here I would like to know

OP posts:
millian · 19/12/2019 22:39

I don't think either of you are wrong it was just miscommunication.
I would just let the 1 mistake go though, as it doesn't outweigh the many rights she's done for you and by being messenger for you both.
Ask her if she can ask him to bring her back to you for 4 instead if he says no it's just 1 day in the year let your baby spend that few extra hours with her dad you still get to see her most anyways and I'm sure you will have a wonderful full day on Christmas Day with her.

alexdgr8 · 19/12/2019 22:54

i can see your point, but your mother is doing you a great service overall by facilitating the communication with the child's father so that you do not have to.
let it go now and try to communicated more clearly and calmly in future.
also you plural should never argue in front of the child, it can be very upsetting. need to exercise some adult self=discipline, both you and m.

Janey85 · 19/12/2019 22:54

Thankyou for your reply. I would love my daughter to spend them few hours with her dad. The trouble is my mum gets angry with me if I dare to disagree with her on anything. Like this evening. Because I said it would have been nice to have known before she told my ex he can't have our daughter now . Her behaviour isn't a one of either. Any time I don't agree with something she gets angry with me and starts the name calling this time it was selfish and ungrateful but I've also been called f*k**g mental before. I am very calm when voicing my opinion but for whatever reason she doesn't like me to have my own opinion. Sorry I didn't explain this in my previous message

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alexdgr8 · 19/12/2019 23:17

can you read up on assertive communication to help you in this.
perhaps your m is too close to it all. is there anyone else who could carry out this role for you ?

Janey85 · 20/12/2019 07:49

My sister possibly. I have always been grateful for my mums help and thanked her on many occasions. The way she spoke to me and the things she called me hurt me.

OP posts:
Stann86 · 20/12/2019 08:44

You say the way your ex is doesn't help your mental health and it appears that your Mum is doing the same? Long term you will need to communicate with your ex for the sake of your daughter. Could an email address be set up for this under the clear understanding only to discuss her and the minute this doesn't happen it goes back through your mum? As you've not hindered contact I'm assuming hes doing an acceptable job as a Dad and your daughter should see both parents over the festive period

Janey85 · 20/12/2019 14:25

Hi yes I actually said perhaps after xmas I could try the arrangements going between me and him again as long as he was willing not to turn nasty. As a dad I can't fault him. He's just very bitter and angry towards me. He's welcome to see our daughter any time

OP posts:
Winterdaysarehere · 20/12/2019 14:27

Beware op. My dm caused no end of issues - ending up in court for arranging contact.
Ime bite the bullet and do the communicating yourself..

Raphael34 · 20/12/2019 14:35

You need to stop relying on your mum to act as a go between. Either communicate with your ex directly as and when needed, or go to mediation/a solicitor and get a contract drawn up with exact contact days including holidays so you don’t need to communicate at all

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